S2.E6. Stuck Between Fighting and Shutting Down? Start Here

You're having the same fight over and over. Or you've stopped fighting altogether and you just go along with it to keep the peace. Either way, there's something going on that I call negative intimacy. It's not just that there's no intimacy. It's a vortex with a downward pull, full of anger, resentment, frustration and disconnection, and it shows up most in relationships that have been around for a while.

In this episode I talk about the 2 ways negative intimacy shows up, the endless fighting and the disappearing act, and what it costs you personally: your confidence, and your trust in what you want and what you feel. I also talk about why the strategies you've tried haven't worked. It's not a strategy problem. When you're waiting for your partner to change, or looking for the right way to say something so they react the right way, you're outsourcing your emotional safety.

This concept came up while I was coaching a client on his marriage, and I see it in so many of the relationships I coach through. We start with you. You put in a floor: this is where I am. Then you learn to create emotional safety for yourself, so you can get clear on what you need and ask for it. Maybe the relationship can support that and maybe it can't, but this is where we begin.

Key Takeaways:

Negative intimacy isn't the absence of intimacy. It's a void that pulls the intimacy out of the relationship.

It shows up as the same fight on repeat, or as people-pleasing and going along with it to keep the peace.

Intimacy is being seen, known, needed, enjoyed, appreciated and celebrated.

When you feel emotionally unsafe, you look for control, and you can't control what your partner thinks, feels or does.

Your emotional needs are real needs: love, belonging, connection, autonomy, purpose, safety and security.

Your partner can't meet needs you haven't named. You have to be the one who says what they are.

If you want support with this, a discovery call is a great place to start. It's a private conversation, you and me, about what's going on for you and how I can help. I'm also starting to offer small workshops with a maximum of 6 people. The first one is for anyone who has been cheated on, whether it happened today, 10 years ago or 20 years ago.

Links referenced in this episode:

https://amandahess.ca/bookacall

https://amandahess.ca/room