Apologizing to Children with Jenn Glacel
Shownotes
My good friend Jenn Glacel is back on Complicated Kids, and this time we are talking about something adults are not always very comfortable doing with children:
Apologizing.
Jenn makes the case pretty simply. Humans get things wrong. We hurt people sometimes, intentionally or unintentionally. And if we want our kids to learn how to take responsibility and apologize when they make a mistake, they need to see us do it too.
Kids learn a lot more from what we model than from what we tell them.
Of course, this immediately brings us to the question some parents have about authority. If I apologize to my child, am I somehow weakening my position as the adult?
Jenn and I would argue the opposite.
Being the adult means having more responsibility in the relationship, not less. We have more life experience, more tools, and more capacity. Our kids have equal worth and agency, but they are still developing the skills they need to manage themselves and their relationships.
So what does an actual apology look like?
Jenn gives a wonderfully simple example from her own family. She had been overwhelmed, her child was overwhelmed, and she pushed in a way that made the situation worse.
Later, she came back and owned it.
She said she was sorry. She named what she had done. And then she stopped.
No long explanation.
No "but you were also..."
No expectation that her child reassure her that everything was fine.
That last part is important.
A clean apology keeps the responsibility with the person who caused the harm. If I say, "I'm such a terrible parent," and now my child has to tell me, "No, you're not," I have handed my emotional work right back to them.
Not their job.
We also talk about what happens before the apology.
Sometimes you are not ready to apologize yet.
Jenn talks about needing a couple of days to work through her own frustration before she could honestly say she was sorry. That matters because we are not talking about teaching kids to perform the words "I'm sorry" whether they mean them or not.
We are talking about being honest.
Sometimes the honest answer may be, "I know that did not go well, and I'm still figuring out what happened for me."
That is still relationship.
And then we get into repair.
Families are not healthy because nobody ever yells, gets dysregulated, loses patience, or causes hurt. Conflict is part of being in relationship with other humans.
What matters is what happens afterward.
Can we own our part?
Can we reconnect?
Can we learn something about what we need so we have a better chance of handling it differently next time?
Jenn makes an important point here: an apology means more when there is some effort toward change. That does not mean we promise never to make the same mistake again. It means we take responsibility for understanding what happened and think about the support we may need to respond differently.
And yes, adults have more responsibility here.
That may feel wildly unfair some days.
It is.
But as I say in the episode, if we want the power that comes with being the parent, we also get the responsibility that comes with it.
Sometimes that responsibility is saying, "That wasn't my finest moment. I'm sorry. I'd like to do it differently next time."
And then letting the apology stand on its own.
Key Takeaways- Children learn how to apologize by watching adults model what it looks like to acknowledge mistakes and take responsibility for harm.
- Apologizing to a child does not require giving up parental authority; being the adult means carrying more responsibility for how we show up in the relationship.
- A clean apology names what happened and owns the adult's behavior without blaming the child for causing the reaction.
- Parents do not need to give a long explanation after apologizing, especially when the explanation starts turning into justification for what happened.
- Children are not responsible for reassuring, comforting, or forgiving a parent after the parent apologizes.
- An honest apology may need to wait until the adult has had enough time to process their own feelings and genuinely take responsibility.
- Healthy family relationships do not require the absence of conflict; they require the ability to repair and reconnect after conflict happens.
- Repair teaches children that relationships can survive mistakes, disagreement, dysregulation, and moments when people do not treat each other the way they intended.
- Adults have greater responsibility for regulation because children are still developing those skills and rely on adults for co-regulation and support.
- An apology becomes more meaningful when it includes reflection on what happened and an effort to understand what might help us respond differently next time.
Jenn Glacel is an autistic licensed clinical social worker and registered play therapist supervisor whose private practice, Seven Corners Psychotherapy, is based in Falls Church, Virginia. She works with children, adults, parents, and families through a radically neurodiversity-affirming lens.
Jenn's work includes child-centered play therapy, family support, and education for parents and practitioners about neurodiversity-affirming care. Her approach focuses on helping people better understand and trust themselves while building relationships rooted in mutual trust, respect, and acceptance.
About Your Host, Gabriele NicoletI'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.
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