How can I be more assertive? Dial Emma: What am I Missing?

Have you ever said yes to something you really didn’t want to do and then spent the next three days feeling annoyed about it?

Perhaps you agreed to another project when you were already overwhelmed, or told your partner “yeah, fine” and then felt furious that they believed you. This week on Dial Emma, I’m talking about assertiveness: how to speak up when something bothers you, how to say no without composing an apology for the rest of the day, and a practical exercise called the assertiveness ladder.

Today’s dilemma comes from a 44-year-old listener, who has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for just over a year after going through a divorce with her ex-husband. She finds it almost impossible to speak up when something bothers her. When he cancels plans, she says it's fine and then spends the evening hurt and resentful. She grew up with an intimidating father and a mother who kept the peace, a pattern that has followed her through her marriage and into work and co-parenting. The people around her think she’s confident and sociable, but as soon as something feels personal, she loses her voice.

She asks: how do I learn to stand up for myself when I’ve spent most of my life learning not to?

Dial Emma is hosted by Emma Reed Turrell, produced by Lauren Brook.

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