When Masking Becomes a Relationship Strategy with Dr. Sharon Saline

If you've ever spent an entire day performing a version of yourself that felt nothing like the real you — holding it together at work, seeming calm when you're not, passing as organized — you already know something about masking. But knowing it and understanding it are two different things. Dr. Sharon Saline returns to help Pete and Nikki unpack what masking actually is: hiding traits, suppressing impulses, and overcompensating to appear more polished than you feel. It's a coping mechanism that can be useful, but for adults with ADHD, chronic masking carries real costs — increased anxiety, emotional exhaustion, a growing disconnect between who you show the world and who you actually are.

One of the most important distinctions in this conversation is the difference between masking and presentation. We all show up differently in different contexts — there's a version of you at work, with close friends, with your partner. That's not masking; that's healthy. Masking is specifically about hiding, about a core sense of deficiency that says if people see the real me, they'll reject me. Sharon traces this directly to the social anxiety spectrum — and to the RSD, perfectionism, and imposter syndrome that so many with ADHD know intimately.

So what does it look like in practice? Saying yes when you mean no. Staying quiet when you have something to say. Overpreparing to look like you know everything so no one discovers you feel like you know nothing. And at work, pretending you have it all under control when you're drowning — rather than simply asking for what you need. Sharon draws a crucial line between protective masking (I will never feel safe here) and productive masking (I don't feel comfortable yet) — and that distinction is where the path forward starts to open up.

Lowering the mask isn't about tearing it off all at once. It's about identifying the patterns — the people and places where you've felt safe before — and using those as your guide. It's about noticing the physical sensation of safety when it shows up, and recognizing that you deserve spaces in your life where you don't have to perform in order to belong. Sharon also reminds us that for AuDHD people especially, masking has often been an essential survival tool, and that owning your challenges with honesty — and even humor — is ultimately far less exhausting than the alternative.

Links & Notes

• Dr. Sharon Saline — drsharonsaline.com
• Support the Show on Patreon
• Dig into the podcast Shownotes Database

• (00:00) - Welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast
• (01:58) - When Masking is a Strategy
• (03:18) - What is Masking?

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