Your Libido Didn’t Disappear, It's The Mental Load

Why do women in long-term relationships often lose their 'spark' while men seem to have an on-off switch? Is your hair dryer actually causing your colour to fade? And, can you get a medical 'crystal ball' to tell you exactly how many eggs you have left?

In this episode, Dr Mariam and Claire speak to Dr Eva Jackson, a Sexual Health Physician, to unpack the complex world of female desire. They discuss the difference between 'spontaneous' and 'reactive' arousal, why the word 'libido' might be outdated, and the medical reasons - from antidepressants to hormonal shifts - that might be stalling your sex life.

Plus, in Med School, Claire and Dr Mariam look at the science of hair health. We reveal the research-backed way to dry your hair to prevent cuticle damage (hint: it involves a ruler and a blast of cold air) and why leaving your hair to air-dry might actually be doing more harm than good.

And, in the Quick Consult, Dr Mariam answers Catherine’s question about 'ticking clock' anxiety. We break down what tests like AMH levels can actually tell you about your fertility at 27, why your partner’s health is just as important in the equation, and why a preconception screen is the best first step for peace of mind.

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CREDITS

Hosts: Claire Murphy and Dr Mariam

Guest: Doctor Eva Jackson

Senior Producers: Claire Murphy and Sally Best

Executive Producer: Grace Rouvray

Group Executive Producer: Ilaria Brophy

Audio Producer: Scott Stronach

Video Producer: Julian Rosario

Social Producer: Elly Moore

Mamamia acknowledges the Traditional Owners of the Land we have recorded this podcast on, the Gadigal people of the Eora Nation. We pay our respects to their Elders past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures.

Information discussed in Well. is for education purposes only and is not intended to provide professional medical advice. Listeners should seek their own medical advice, specific to their circumstances, from their treating doctor or health care professional.

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TRANSCRIPT 

You're listening to a Mamamia podcast. 

Mariam, what gets you going sexually? 

00:10Speaker 2

It is when my husband shows up, just appears. When he does, like, things without me asking, right, So, my goodness, Like he's packed the kids their lunches, he's taken a bit of my mental load. He's done a bit of cleaning. Men do not understand.

00:31Speaker 1

Okay, men do not understand me. Take a little bit of mental load, it is so hot

00:38Speaker 2

So hot,

00:46Speaker 1

Hi there, welcome to Well your Full Body Health Check. I'm Claire Murphy.

00:50Speaker 2

And I'm doctor Mariam.

00:51Speaker 1

And today we're talking about Libido  time to get spicy. There is always a lot of comparisons  about how women's health issues have been overlooked while men get pills for a rectile dysfunction, But there are actually pills for women's desire too, which we will discuss. But we'll also touch on what it is about us that so many of us do seem to lose spark over time. We'll also have a quick consult for Catherine today. She's got a ticking clock issue and she wants to know how to maybe quieten it down just a little bit. But next mariam are you a blow dry girl, after you wash your hair or do you let it just do its thing and air dry.

01:33Speaker 2

I'm gonna be honest. I actually wash my hair every seven to ten days. I know, I know, you know why. I have so much hair, So I have to blow dry my hair after I've had to wash. But I do it in segments because there's so much and it takes so long.

01:50Speaker 1

Oh, this is me crying you tears of sadness for your I have so much glorious flowing hair that it takes me hours to dry, so much work.

02:00Speaker 2

I actually get like I sweat, it's like almost need to shower again. So I'll do like a light blow dry to start with, and then I'll do like a quarter and proper and then I'll just take a couple of hours off and then revisit.

02:13Speaker 1

Over two days, just take breaks between.

02:16Speaker 2

It hurts my arms so painful.

02:19Speaker 1

Rip your hairdresser. Okay, Well, next in med school, I'm gonna reveal which one to blow dry or not to blow dry is actually better for your hair. 

Welcome to med school. 

Is it better for your hair to leave it to dry naturally or use a blow dry? I unlike you with your glorious tresses have very fine hair, not a lot of it, so I almost have to race from the shower to the hair dry before it starts drying by itself.

02:47Speaker 2

What happens if it dries.

02:48Speaker 1

If it dries naturally by itself, it ends up in weird shapes. Okay, so it's naturally straight, so I don't straighten it. But if I don't blow dried, it's almost stuck to my scalp and it's very flat, so it needs some kind of air in there for vol But if you've ever visited a hairdresser, they will have different opinions, which is funny because they'll tell you you need to put stuff on your hair to protect it from any heat, and we use a lot of heat with curlers or straighteners or hair dryers whilst they simultaneously fry your hair as they blow right from the roots right. But here's the thing. Your hair can absorb about thirty percent of its weight when it's wet, so it soaks up the water and swells from the inside. So what that means is it's stretching your hair's outer layer or cuticle, and that puts pressure on the cell membrane complex. That's the glue that holds all those cuticles together and forms the length of your hair. So if you leave it wet, it stays in that vulnerable swollen state for longer, and then cracks can form due to that swelling. That is what then causes damage to the cuticle itself, and sometimes it can also cause your colour to fade because the color is absorbed in them. And then if you leave it wet and out to dry naturally, can crack that and make the colour stuff to go right, So, what is the best option for hair health? According to research. Yes, research has been done on this. Blow drying on medium heat from fifteen centimeters away fifteen fifteen Oh jeez, I know.

04:17Speaker 2

It's it's fair ways away from your head. That's more arm work.

04:21Speaker 1

It is more arm work. You can get bigger by steps, keep the dryer moving so it doesn't heat up one area for too long, and then drying it till it's just about eighty percent and then leaving the rest to dry naturally. Okay, that apparently causes less damage than just doing nothing. So little bit of heat not too much. So apparently then too, you should finish off with a bit of a cool blast of air because it helps seal the cuticle part of it and also stops the residual heat.

04:50Speaker 2

And it holds its shape longer.

04:52Speaker 1

Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, So just measure fifteen to get a ruler. Jeez, measure fifteen centimeters away from you head.

05:00Speaker 2

Yeah, it's going to be a little bit hard work. Sorry about that.

05:04Speaker 1

On the way, today's check up, where we are off in search of all of our lost libidos, 

or never found? Where did they go?

05:15Speaker 3

It's time for the checkup?

05:18Speaker 1

Mariam? What gets you going sexually?

05:20Speaker 2

Well, okay, if you ask me, ten years ago been very different, right, what is it today?

today? It is when my husband shows up, just appears, when he does like things without me asking, right, So, my goodness, Like he's packed the kids their lunches, he's taken a bit of my mental load, he's done a bit of cleaning.

05:44Speaker 1

Men do not understand. Okay, men do not understand me take a little bit of mental load. Is so hot?

05:54Speaker 2

It is so hot, so hot.

05:56Speaker 1

Yeah. But Mariam, do many women speak to you about not being motivated to have sex anymore?

06:01Speaker 4

Okay?

06:02Speaker 2

So women will often say I just don't feel like having sex anymore, and it's kind of like, oh, this is the status quo. I've accepted it, and it's not something they generally come to me with, so.

06:15Speaker 1

That's always they've already accepted this.

06:16Speaker 2

Yeah, that's where they're at, and it's like the norm and it's acceptable, and sometimes they don't offer that information. I as a GP like to cover a lot of sexual health in my consultations, and a lot of the time that I will get, is something wrong with me? And I want to say, nothing is wrong with you. You're not broken, and you're definitely not the only one feeling this way. Three of us in the room have put our hands up. In fact, Australian research shows that one in three women will experience low sexual desire at some point in their life, so that's a third of us. So if you're nodding along right now, you're in good company. And what's interesting, it's rarely about not wanting sex. Sometimes it's medical, sometimes emotion. On a lot of the time it's both. So let's start with the medical side of things. So a lot of the time there's a hormonal issue at play. You may have just had a baby, you might be going through perimenopause or menopause, and we know a lot of medications to side effect can be loss of libido. Then there's low iron, thyroid issues, chronic pain, endometriosis. They all can play a role as well, So before you start blaming yourself or your relationship, it's worth getting a checkup. Then there's the emotional and relationship side. So when you're juggling work, especially as a female, you've got your family, You've got the mental and emotional load, and that invisible to do list that just never ends. Your brain's just in this survival mode, and a brain that's trying to get through the day isn't exactly thinking, yes, let's get it on tonight, I really want some penis.

07:51Speaker 1

And there's something about like, you know, you might even be in a great frame of mind and thinking, yeah, I am feeling turned on right now, and then your partner will be like, where's my shoes and you're like, oh yeah, oh now, I'm just dealing with another child, and it's like that switches off immediately, right, So it doesn't take much to turn off. And we're not always visual creatures either. Women. We are very much in our heads and we like to be turned on in different ways, not just like and I know I've had conversations with my friends and one of my friends said, have any of your husbands just like pulled it out and said, hey, let's go, And we've all kind of gone yeah, and they're like, did that work for any of you? And one of our friends has got like quite a high libido and she's like, Yep, I'm ready to go anytime of the day or night, and that works for her. But for the rest of us, we were like, no, it does not work for me. But when I asked, have any of you talked to your husbands about that? And they're like, yeah, we tried to say something like that doesn't work, but none of us said what would work? Yeah, so the communication wasn't great with that either.

08:58Speaker 2

I always tell my husband's sex starts before the bedroom, and I know it's hard with kids, liked you kind of have to book in that intimacy.

09:05Speaker 1

Yep, and then there's always that paranoid that they're gonna wake up and walk in or whatever

09:09Speaker 2

But it's just like when it becomes schedule, it's just loses it. It just loses it. But yeah, for me, definitely sex starts before the bedroom. I'm not someone who's just going to be aroused because you've flopped out your penis. That doesn't talk for me, buddy, Yes.

09:24Speaker 1

It doesn't work. I mean for some it does like it just doesn't.

09:27Speaker 2

It's just doing that. It's just like this thing that's just like flopping there. It's just doesn't do it.

09:33Speaker 1

My friend said to me, your husband came up and said, hey, baby, have you seen this lately? And she said, yeah, I see it all the time. What? Come on, you can do better than that.

09:43Speaker 2

Pack it away, buddy,.

09:45Speaker 1

Put a little bit more effort in. But if someone is struggling to have this discussion with a medical professional, like if they feel like they've done what they can on their own and they want a bit of extra help, what do you suggest they do to get the ball rolling.

09:58Speaker 2

I would suggest if you want to speak to your GP about it, finding maybe like a woman's health GP to start with. A lot of unfortunately, gps aren't really comfortable with having this conversation. I've seen a lot of patients say, tried to bring this up in the past and I didn't really get much answers or help, and that kind of shut them down or made them feel embarrassed. So I think having that conversation with someone who has experience in the area is going to make you feel a lot more comfortable and you're going to get the results that you want. So I would start by finding a GP with experience and then just letting them know I'm not feeling myself, I'm not feeling connected, I don't feel like having sex anymore. Is there something medically happening, and then the doctor will just take it from there. They'll ask you all the questions and they will guide the consultation based on what they think is appropriate. A good GP will make you feel comfortable, ask the right questions, and give you the support that you need.

10:58Speaker 1

Yeah. WhenI started researching libido. I actually realized that I don't know what it is. We talk about it like it's a physical thing in our bodies. Yeah that you can like point to, yeah, point of like that's where my libido lives. But yeah, so really I don't know what it is other than it's the urge to have sex. But it is a lot more than that. We are pretty complicated beings us, ladies, and can I also say too that, like, if you don't want to have sex anymore and you're very comfortable with that like, 

Thats fine! 

There is no one telling you that you have to have sex to be you know, I don't know, af functioning human, Like, you can live without it if that's your choice, and you're very happy.

11:32Speaker 2

With that too, And a lot of people are and choose to them.

11:36Speaker 1

Yeah, exactly, like and that's totally fine. But like, can I say for my LGBTQI mates, And this is not saying that they are all like this, because we're all different, but they seem to be a lot better at engaging in sex but also just talking about it with each other, like grown ass humans who have once and needs and they're happy to like discuss that and put it out there.

11:58Speaker 2

I don't know whether that's it is a thing I don't definitely see. Like I find with a lot of my heterosexual female friends that sex often feels transactional. It's like, oh, it's just another to do this job to do it's like a job something get over with, all right done? You know, Yeah, that's amazing, jeez, Claire your winning. What we actually crave is that engagement, that emotional foreplay, that communication and touch that isn't really goal driven or like a tick off the list. And you're right, because a lot of the lgbtqi I folk. They seem to have more open conversations about sex, not because they're magically better at it, they probably are.

12:41Speaker 3

But.

12:43Speaker 2

Because their relationships often require more conscious communication from the start, and they've had to define what intimacy means to them rather than just following a script. And that's something I guess everyone can learn from, like having those open, honest conversations saying this is what it looks like for me.

13:02Speaker 1

I guess too when we're talking about libido in women. When we talk about men, for example, and we know that there are, you know, medical interventions for them, like rectile dysfunction pills, but there's this idea that if a man loses his ability to get or maintain an erection, that there is a problem, that there is a medical issue, and so him not being able to get an erection is an issue. But for women, we don't have that equivalent. So, like, I wonder, what are the medical benefits for us to have our libidos fully functioning? Like I know that there was some research recently that suggested that masturbation was good for you when you're in menopause, that it had benefits, But I'm not sure if we have an equivalent of a erectile dysfunction relating to a man being physically healthy as opposed to us not having a libido and not being physically healthy.

13:53Speaker 2

We have that hyperactive sexual desire disorder. So there is a term HSDD, and there is treatment for that for females who have low libido if they meet the criteria. But I don't know whether or not as females there is that added benefit medically from orgasms. I'm sure in the moment there is maybe mental health. Maybe mental health. Yeah, we'll have to look into that. It's interesting, definitely worth a chat.

14:21Speaker 1

Yeah. Next, doctor Eva Jackson's going to tell us more about where a libido actually lives, how to wake it up if it's been snooz’in a while, and what things we know about both medical and non medical approaches to help.

 Okay, today's expert is doctor Eva Jackson. She is a sexual health physician, and we started our chat by asking her what even is a libido?

Now, Eva, I think we want to start off by at first kind of establishing what a libido even is, because, like, if there's something going on with our bodies, often we can point to the spot and go right, that is where the problem is. But when we talk about issues with our libido, we might think it might be in our vagina, but a lot of it's in our head. And so I wanted to just get a definition from you before we go any further. What is our libido? Does it exist as a physical structure, like what is it?

15:19Speaker 3

I guess in medicine,