The Gay Relationship Podcast
- Episodes
- 50
- Released
- weekly
- Latest episode
- Nov 12, 2026
About the podcast
Hosted by gay sex and relationship therapist and published author Tom Bruett, this show dives deep into what it really means to be in relationship with yourself and others as a gay, queer, or trans person today. Each episode features candid conversations with leading experts in psychology, sex therapy, wellness, culture, and LGBTQIA2S+ lived experience. Together, we explore the complexities of queer love, intimacy, identity, and connection - without shame, without scripts, and without pretending we have it all figured out. If you’re craving smarter, braver, more honest conversations about what it means to build and sustain authentic queer relationships, you’re in the right place.
License: 2025 Tom Bruett
Episodes 50
How ADHD Shapes Queer Love, Sex & Intimacy | Interview with Dhiren Doshi-Smith
In this episode, Tom sits down with counsellor, speaker, and ADHD advocate Dhiren Doshi-Smith to explore how ADHD intersects with queer identity, relationships, and sexuality.They discuss late-in-life ADHD …
Show notes
In this episode, Tom sits down with counsellor, speaker, and ADHD advocate Dhiren Doshi-Smith to explore how ADHD intersects with queer identity, relationships, and sexuality.
They discuss late-in-life ADHD diagnoses, masking, rejection sensitivity, and how navigating multiple intersecting identities can shape our experiences of shame, self-acceptance, and connection.
The conversation also explores how ADHD can impact romantic relationships, intimacy, and sexual behaviours, including the search for external validation, communication between neurodivergent and neurotypical partners, and finding ways to navigate different needs.
Finally, Dhiren shares the importance of self-compassion, psychoeducation, and embracing our differences, reminding listeners that they are enough just as they are.
About Dhiren:
Dhiren Doshi‑Smith (he/they) is a queer, neurodivergent British‑Indian therapeutic counsellor, speaker and writer whose work centres on mental health, identity and lived experience. He is a BACP‑registered, person‑centred counsellor with training through CACPB, drawing on his own journey through anxiety, depression and late‑diagnosed neurodiversity to offer warm, grounded support.
Connect with Dhiren:
Website: https://www.oakpath.co.uk/
Instagram: @dhiren.doshismith
YouTube Channel: @OakpathTherapy
TikTok: @dhiren.doshismith
Connect with Tom:
Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
The Art of Erotic Intimacy: Exploring What Your Body Really Wants | Interview with Court Vox
In this episode, Tom sits down with Court Vox, a somatic sex and intimacy coach, surrogate partner, and founder of BodyVox, to explore the relationship between sexuality, embodiment, and intimacy. Court shares …
Show notes
In this episode, Tom sits down with Court Vox, a somatic sex and intimacy coach, surrogate partner, and founder of BodyVox, to explore the relationship between sexuality, embodiment, and intimacy. Court shares how their work helps people reconnect with their bodies, explore pleasure, and develop a deeper understanding of what intimacy can look and feel like.
They discuss surrogate partner therapy and how experiential learning, touch, and relational connection can complement traditional talk therapy. They also explore how trauma can shape our experiences of touch, why learning to recognize our body's responses matters, and how we can build the foundations for safer, more fulfilling intimacy.
The conversation also explores the difference between simply having sex and experiencing eroticism, and why pleasure can be about so much more than getting off. Tom and Court unpack loneliness in the queer community, the search for meaningful connection, and how retreats and shared experiences can create opportunities for vulnerability, healing, and belonging.
Finally, Court talks about mindful erotic practice, experimenting with pleasure, and learning to listen to what your body actually wants. They leave listeners with a powerful reminder: intimacy begins with choice, and there's so much more available to us in our erotic bodies than we might realize.
About Court:
Court Vox is a Somatic Sex & Intimacy Coach, Surrogate Partner, and the Founder of The BodyVox. Through his courses, workshops, retreats, and private immersions, he helps clients overcome limitations and shame, fostering deeper intimacy and connection with their whole selves. At The BodyVox, Court Vox offers 1:1 sessions, workshops, and retreats worldwide, including specialized programs for GBTQ men. His online course and community, Invitations to Intimacy, provides a framework for erotic embodiment alongside a supportive network of like-minded individuals. He is also part of the celebrated program for women, Back to the Body, where he collaborates with an elite team of sex educators to guide transformative experiences for women.
Certified through governing organizations such as the Somatic Sex Education Association (SSEA), the Association of Sexological Bodyworkers (ACSB), the International Professional Surrogate Association (IPSA), and Urban Tantra, he combines his certifications with ongoing studies in rope bondage, modern hypnotherapy, breathwork, and movement practices.
Connect with Court:
Website: https://thebodyvox.com/
Instagram: @courtvox @thebodyvox
DomCraft Virtual Course: https://domcraft-thebodyvox.netlify.app/#investment
Joshua Tree Retreat: https://thebodyvox-connect-joshuatree.netlify.app/
Connect with Tom:
Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
Why LGBTQ+ Solidarity Matters More Than Ever
In this solo episode, Tom explores the fear and political uncertainty facing the LGBTQ+ community, particularly gay men, amid growing attacks on transgender people and gender-affirming healthcare. Drawing on …
Show notes
In this solo episode, Tom explores the fear and political uncertainty facing the LGBTQ+ community, particularly gay men, amid growing attacks on transgender people and gender-affirming healthcare. Drawing on his experiences growing up gay and his work as a therapist and sex therapist, he examines how fear can fuel division within a community that has historically fought for liberation together.
He discusses the history of LGBTQ+ activism and how rhetoric once used against gay men, including accusations of grooming and threats to children, is now being directed at transgender people. Tom also explores gender identity, gender expression, and sexual orientation, alongside the realities of gender-affirming healthcare for youth, the role of family and therapeutic support, and the need for better research and informed healthcare decisions.
Finally, Tom challenges listeners to hold space for questions about transgender healthcare without abandoning or attacking transgender people. He reflects on the importance of solidarity, compassion, and allyship, encouraging gay men to question fearmongering, challenge transphobic rhetoric, and stand alongside their transgender siblings.
Connect with Tom:
Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
What Polyamory Can Teach Us About Love | Interview with Ruffus, The PolyKink Therapist
In this episode, Tom sits down with Ruffus, The PolyKink Therapist, to explore what it means to build ethical relationships, whether monogamous, non-monogamous, or somewhere in between. Ruffus shares how his …
Show notes
In this episode, Tom sits down with Ruffus, The PolyKink Therapist, to explore what it means to build ethical relationships, whether monogamous, non-monogamous, or somewhere in between. Ruffus shares how his personal experiences with polyamory, kink, and psychotherapy shaped his approach to relationships and why understanding your own values and desires is essential to finding connection.
They discuss the four pillars of ethical relationships: freedom, authenticity, commitment, and love, and how these values translate into agency, honesty, consent, and compassion. They also challenge common assumptions about monogamy, polyamory, and sex, exploring why no single relationship model works for everyone and why it's important to define what intimacy and commitment mean to you.
The conversation also explores jealousy as an opportunity for connection rather than something to suppress, the importance of communicating needs instead of relying on unspoken expectations, and how relationship hierarchies can affect people's sense of security and agency. Tom and Ruffus also discuss kink, power dynamics, consent, and the difference between belonging with someone and belonging to someone.
Finally, Ruffus talks about his PAWS method (Pause, Adjust, Wait, or Stop), a practical approach to de-escalating conflict and creating space for more thoughtful conversations. He shares why healthy relationships aren't about finding a perfect partner who magically meets your needs, but about learning to communicate, respect boundaries, and build relationships that align with everyone's values.
About Ruffus:
I’m a psychologist with a Master’s degree in Gestalt Psychotherapy and the author of “Si te duele, ahí no es” (Penguin Random House). I specialize in ethical relationships (monogamous and non-monogamous) helping people build connections rooted in agency, consent, honesty, and emotional responsibility.
Through both academic research and lived experience, I’ve learned that there isn’t one “right” way to love... but there are healthier and more ethical ways to relate.
Connect with Ruffus:
Website: tpktherapist.podia.com
Instagram: http://instagram.com/thepolykink.therapist
YouTube Channel: https://youtube.com/@thepolykinktherapist
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@thepolykink.therapist
Resources: https://tpktherapist.podia.com/tools
Connect with Tom:
Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
Why Sexual Pleasure Is a Radical Act of Resistance | Interview with Alex Garner
In this episode, Tom sits down with Alex Garner, Interim Executive Director of MPact, to talk about queer sexuality, HIV, sexual pleasure, and the fight for LGBTQ+ rights. Alex shares his experience living with …
Show notes
In this episode, Tom sits down with Alex Garner, Interim Executive Director of MPact, to talk about queer sexuality, HIV, sexual pleasure, and the fight for LGBTQ+ rights. Alex shares his experience living with HIV for over 30 years and his work advocating for queer health and human rights around the world.
They discuss how HIV stigma, homophobia, and shame continue to shape the way gay men experience sex, even with advances in treatment and prevention like U=U and PrEP. Alex also reflects on how his own HIV diagnosis changed his relationship with sex and allowed him to explore his sexuality with less fear, challenging the idea that sex should be defined by risk rather than pleasure and connection.
The conversation also explores why sex is political, how governments use fear and family values to justify restrictions on queer people, and why bodily autonomy is fundamental to LGBTQ+ liberation. Alex discusses sex work, adult content creation, and the importance of ensuring that sex workers have access to healthcare, fair working conditions, and the same rights and protections as everyone else.
Finally, Alex talks about the importance of community, solidarity, and creating space for queer people to experience pleasure without shame. At the heart of his work is a simple idea: sexual pleasure is not something to be ashamed of, but something worth celebrating, protecting, and embracing as part of our health, relationships, and freedom.
About Alex:
For the past 5 years at Mpact, Alex Garner has crafted strategies, managed global programs, and led communications. Prior to MPact he was the Senior Health Innovation Strategist at Hornet, the gay social networking app. He crafted all sexual health messaging, developed social marketing campaigns, created digital content for a global audience, and led Hornet’s research efforts. Alex has over 25 years of experience working as a community organizer. He has been a freelance writer for over two decades, capturing the experiences and perspectives of the queer community. As a writer and an artist, he has utilized the cultural arts to advance the narratives of LGBTQ communities.
Connect with Alex:
Website: www.mpactglobal.org
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mpact.global
YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@themsmgf
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@mpactglobal
Connect with Tom:
Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
The Hidden Ways We Escape Stress, Shame & Anxiety | Interview with David Olem
What if the way you cope with stress could change how you experience your life—even when you can’t change the situation itself? In this episode, psychotherapist and coach David Olem joins Tom to explore stress …
Show notes
What if the way you cope with stress could change how you experience your life—even when you can’t change the situation itself? In this episode, psychotherapist and coach David Olem joins Tom to explore stress, coping, self-compassion, and the small practices that can help us find more joy and resilience in difficult times.
David draws on more than 26 years of clinical and research experience, including his work at UCSF’s Center for AIDS Prevention Studies, to explain the different ways we cope with stress. He distinguishes between problem-focused coping, distraction, and more present-focused forms of emotional coping, emphasizing that no coping strategy is inherently “good” or “bad.” The key is developing flexibility and noticing when a strategy that once helped us starts creating new problems.
For queer people, these patterns can be especially complicated. David explores how shame, bullying, family rejection, and other negative messages can shape the ways we seek comfort, escape, belonging, and relief. He shares a powerful story about quitting smoking and learning to see setbacks as wins, offering a compassionate alternative to the self-judgment that can keep us stuck.
David also introduces practical tools from his book, Seeing the Whole of the Moon: A Guide to Finding Your Joy Even in Stressful Times, including RAIN meditation and the “positive moment” exercise. By noticing small moments of joy, feeling them in the body, and asking what we can do to create more of them, we can gradually build new patterns of resilience—one small shift at a time.
About David:
David Olem is a psychotherapist, coach and researcher dedicated to helping people build resilience and reduce stress. For 26 years at UCSF, he developed and delivered brief therapies that improved emotional and physical health in underserved communities with a particular focus on the LGBTQ communities. He now maintains a therapy and coaching practice in San Francisco, specializing in anxiety and stress management. David's work blends deep clinical experience with a commitment to practical, accessible tools that support everyday wellbeing.
Connect with David:
Website: davidolem.com
Book: https://thewholemoon.com/
Instagram: whole_ofthemoon
Connect with Tom:
Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
Addiction, Trauma & the Path to Recovery in the Queer Community | Interview with Araya Baker
What happens when substance use becomes a way of coping with trauma, loneliness, and the stress of being queer in a world that can still be deeply rejecting? Tom welcomes therapist, columnist, and social policy …
Show notes
What happens when substance use becomes a way of coping with trauma, loneliness, and the stress of being queer in a world that can still be deeply rejecting? Tom welcomes therapist, columnist, and social policy researcher Araya Baker back to the podcast for a conversation about addiction, recovery, and substance use in queer communities.
Araya discusses the connections between family rejection, discrimination, trauma, and addiction, and why substance use can sometimes become a way to numb experiences that feel impossible to escape. They explore the importance of community and storytelling in recovery, the challenges of asking for help when you've learned to be self-sufficient, and why recovery doesn't always happen in a straight line.
The conversation also looks at addiction within relationships, including codependency, blurred boundaries, rescuing, and the ways partners can unintentionally delay change. Araya discusses resources including AA, Al-Anon, harm reduction, and SMART Recovery, while emphasizing that not everyone is ready (or medically able) to stop using substances abruptly.
Tom and Araya also explore the impact of growing up in households affected by addiction, loneliness among queer people, and the intersection of substance use and sex, including chemsex. Throughout the conversation, they return to the importance of reducing shame, increasing access to support, understanding the roots of addiction, and creating more honest, informed conversations about recovery in queer communities.
About Araya:
Araya Baker, M.Phil.Ed., Ed.M. is a therapist, columnist, and social policy researcher.
As a therapist, Araya supports individuals and couples navigating concerns around addiction, aging, cancer, disability, family estrangement, grief and trauma, life purpose and self-actualization, neurodivergence, prejudice and racism, relationships, reproductive health and family-building, and sexual health and HIV.
For over a decade, Araya has leveraged writing to promote lifelong learning and democratize access to applied critical theory/social philosophy beyond academia. Their social commentary and public scholarship have been featured in The Washington Post, HuffPost, Psychology Today, Teen Vogue, EdPost, Vice, Buzzfeed, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, and myriad indie/regional outlets.
Araya earned an Ed.M. in Human Development from Harvard as an Equity Fellow, an M.Phil.Ed. in Counseling from the University of Pennsylvania, where they received the Award for Excellence in Promoting Diversity & Inclusion, and a B.A. in English from Tufts, where they were a Tisch Scholar and engaged African & Caribbean literature, Black Arts Movement poetry, queer Black feminism, gospel music, Southern studies, and Swahili.
Connect with Araya:
Website: arayabaker.com
Instagram: @arayabaker
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@araya_baker
Connect with Tom:
Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
Are You Your Own Worst Critic? Self-Love for Gay Men | Interview with James Guay, LMFT
What does it actually take to move from self-hatred toward self-love? In this episode, Tom talks with James Guay, LMFT, about the lifelong process of building a healthier relationship with ourselves as gay …
Show notes
What does it actually take to move from self-hatred toward self-love? In this episode, Tom talks with James Guay, LMFT, about the lifelong process of building a healthier relationship with ourselves as gay men.
James explores how internalized homophobia, family and societal expectations, perfectionism, body image, workaholism, people-pleasing, and self-betrayal can all become ways of rejecting ourselves, even when we don't consciously think of ourselves as self-critical. Rather than treating self-love as a destination, he describes a gradual movement toward tolerance, neutrality, acceptance, and eventually greater care and friendship with ourselves.
The conversation also looks at James's own journey, including the role of therapy, relationships, gymnastics, hiking, and reconnecting with his inner child. Nature has become a particularly meaningful space for him to practice mindfulness, listen to his body, let go of expectations, and reconnect with a sense of spirituality after difficult religious experiences.
Tom and James also discuss masculinity, aging, social media, community healing, and the pressure gay men can feel to look, live, and succeed a certain way. Ultimately, James offers a hopeful message: self-worth isn't something we have to earn, and learning to know ourselves, honor our needs, set boundaries, and live more authentically is a lifelong process.
About James:
James Guay, LMFT, is a psychotherapist with three decades of experience helping people develop greater self-compassion, authenticity, and more fulfilling relationships. As a gay man and survivor of conversion therapy, James brings both personal and professional perspectives to his work around LGBTQ+ identity, shame, relationships, and self-acceptance. A former competitive gymnast and NCAA All-American, James has also explored his own evolving relationship with achievement, identity, and self-worth. These days, he's an avid hiker and backpacker who finds in nature a powerful way to reconnect with himself and what matters most.
Connect with James:
Website: https://www.livingmorefully.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jamesguaylmft/
YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@LivingMoreFully
Connect with Tom:
Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
Gay Men, Tantra & the Power of Touch | Interview with DaddyGuru
In this episode, Tom sits down with DaddyGuru, to explore tantra, spirituality, erotic maturity, and healing for gay men. Drawing from his book, You Are the Love of Your Life, Daddy Guru shares how his own …
Show notes
In this episode, Tom sits down with DaddyGuru, to explore tantra, spirituality, erotic maturity, and healing for gay men. Drawing from his book, You Are the Love of Your Life, Daddy Guru shares how his own journey led him to tantric yoga and to creating retreats focused on self-awareness, connection, and healing.
They discuss kundalini energy, the inner child, and the importance of reconnecting with the parts of ourselves that may have been shaped by trauma, shame, or societal expectations. Daddy Guru explains why intimacy begins with ourselves and how understanding our own energy, boundaries, and vulnerability can change the way we connect with others.
The conversation also explores the role of touch in healing. Daddy Guru describes his retreats, which combine breathwork, meditation, sensuality, and structured touch exercises to help participants become more present in their bodies and experience connection without pressure to perform.
Throughout the episode, Tom and Daddy Guru consider how spirituality and psychology can work together in healing. His central message is that we are already whole—and that by embracing both our light and our shadow, reconnecting with our inner child, and learning to love ourselves, we can create more nourishing relationships with others.
About DaddyGuru:
John Kristopher Thomsen — known to his students and clients as DaddyGuru — is a Canadian Tantric teacher, intimacy healer, and spiritual guide based at Casa Kāma, his spiritual finca and healing sanctuary in western Costa Rica. In 1984, at the age of 20, he came out of the closet at the height of the AIDS epidemic and has spent the last 42 years navigating the full terrain of gay male life — including surviving both physical and sexual abuse, a 28-year marriage that ultimately came apart under the weight of unrealistic erotic expectations within gay culture, and an awakening at a Tantra retreat in Spain that changed the direction of his life forever. Today he works with gay men navigating the gap between erotic freedom and real intimacy, drawing on Tantra, somatic awareness, and inner child work. He's the author of the new book You Are the Love of Your Life, which serves as the foundation of his healing practice and what he teaches.
Connect with DaddyGuru:
Website: theDaddyGuru.com
Book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0H6HJ9LSM
Instagram: theDaddyGuru
YouTube Channel: theDaddyGuru
TikTok: theDaddyGuru
Connect with Tom:
Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
Why We NEED Better Gay Sex Education | Interview with Aidan Wharton
In this episode, Tom sits down with writer and sex educator Aidan Wharton, creator of Gay Buffet, to talk about gay sex education, relationships, sexual pleasure, and queer joy. Aidan shares how his …
Show notes
In this episode, Tom sits down with writer and sex educator Aidan Wharton, creator of Gay Buffet, to talk about gay sex education, relationships, sexual pleasure, and queer joy. Aidan shares how his community-driven work grew from a newsletter into a platform exploring the questions gay men actually want answered.
They discuss open relationships, monogamy, boundaries, sexual communication, and why different relationship structures can work for different people. Aidan also shares what he has learned from his community about topics including poppers, gooning, threesomes, and sexual curiosity, all while trying to make conversations about sex more accessible and less shame-based.
The conversation also explores how gay men often learn about sex through community rather than traditional sex education, and how dating apps and digital communication are changing the way people experience intimacy, consent, and desire.
Finally, Aidan talks about queer joy and why celebrating pleasure, connection, and the experience of being gay matters. At the heart of his work is a simple idea: despite our differences, most of us are looking for love, connection, safety, and belonging.
About Aidan:
Aidan Wharton is a writer originally from Hawaii, but now based in New York. He’s the creator of Gay Buffet, a Substack bestseller focusing on gay sex, open relationships, and self-improvement. He is also the host of Getting Close (on summer hiatus), a podcast dedicated to reviving connection in our increasingly isolating digital world. His work centers queer joy, nuance, and empathy as he tries to make his corner of the world a better place one connection at a time.
Connect with Aidan:
Substack: gaybuffet.substack.com
Instagram: @aidanwharton
YouTube Channel: @gettingclosepod
TikTok: @aidanwharton
Connect with Tom:
Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
Chronic Pain and LGBTQ+ Health: What We Need to Know | Interview with Ian A. Lane, PhD, RN
What happens when chronic pain intersects with queer identity, minority stress, and isolation?In this episode, Tom speaks with Ian A. Lane, PhD, RN, pain management specialist, nurse consultant, and author of …
Show notes
What happens when chronic pain intersects with queer identity, minority stress, and isolation?
In this episode, Tom speaks with Ian A. Lane, PhD, RN, pain management specialist, nurse consultant, and author of Pain, Power, and Pride. Ian explains why emotional regulation is an essential part of pain management and why telling someone that their pain is “all in their head” can be especially harmful for LGBTQ+ patients who already face dismissal and discrimination in healthcare.
The conversation explores the powerful role relationships and peer support can play in living with chronic pain. Tom and Ian discuss how partners, chosen family, friendships, and groups of people with shared experiences can provide forms of connection that individual healthcare providers often cannot.
Ian also offers practical guidance for queer people living with chronic pain, emphasizing the importance of not isolating yourself and leaning on your support network. He explains how minority stress and social isolation can affect pain across the life course, and why seeking support is not a burden.
This episode offers an affirming, evidence-informed perspective on chronic pain, healthcare, relationships, and the importance of being seen and supported as a whole person.
About Ian:
Dr. Lane is an independent nurse consultant and pain management specialist, interested in pain and palliative care needs in LGBT individuals. He is especially interested in the intersection between emotional and physical pain, and the social and contextual factors that influence our pain.
Connect with Ian:
Website: https://about.me/ianlane/
Book: https://a.co/d/0fF1Mf66
Instagram: @TheGayPainGuy
YouTube Channel: https://youtube.com/@thegaypainguy?si=i58qDseek4tYS4xt
Connect with Tom:
Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
Gay Shame, Loneliness & Finding Real Community | Interview with Brian Spitulnik
Why are so many gay men still struggling with loneliness, shame, and disconnection in 2026? In this conversation, Tom talks with therapist Brian Spitulnik about the lasting impact of growing up gay in a …
Show notes
Why are so many gay men still struggling with loneliness, shame, and disconnection in 2026? In this conversation, Tom talks with therapist Brian Spitulnik about the lasting impact of growing up gay in a heterosexist world and why those experiences can continue shaping us long after we come out.
Brian explores how gay men can build fortresses around shame, disconnect from their bodies and desires, and mistake self-protection for simply “who they are.” He also discusses the importance of real-life community in an era dominated by social media, dating apps, and constant digital connection, sharing how online groups can sometimes become a bridge to deeper in-person relationships.
The conversation moves into sexuality, embodiment, and the difference between authentic preference and patterns shaped by trauma or shame. Brian also opens up about leaving a 15-year Broadway career to become a therapist, the grief that came with losing an old identity, and why cultivating self-worth outside of work and achievement is especially important for gay men.
Finally, Tom and Brian consider what thriving actually means, and why a healthy queer life may require more community, more connection, and more willingness to explore the parts of ourselves we've learned to hide.
About Brian:
Brian Spitulnik, LMSW, is a psychotherapist in private practice, and committed to working with his clients to come fully into relationship with their environment and themselves while providing practical tools for behavioral change and emotional growth. Brian has earned degrees from The University of Michigan, Columbia University, and The Silberman School of Social Work at Hunter College. Before becoming a mental health practitioner, Brian performed on Broadway for over 15 years, and has written for Global Citizen, The Daily Beast, McSweeney’s, and Dance Magazine, Brian is the founder of GAYFULLY, the only mental-health app for gay men.
Connect with Brian:
Website: gayfullyapp.com
Instagram: @spitulnik
YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@BrianSpitulnikLMSW
Connect with Tom:
Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
Sexual Bypassing: Are Your Labels Keeping You Stuck? | Interview with Dr Chris Donaghue
What happens when the identities and labels that once helped us understand ourselves begin to limit us? In this episode of the Queer Relationship Institute podcast, Tom welcomes psychotherapist, lecturer …
Show notes
What happens when the identities and labels that once helped us understand ourselves begin to limit us? In this episode of the Queer Relationship Institute podcast, Tom welcomes psychotherapist, lecturer, author, and educator Dr Chris Donaghue for a provocative conversation about sexuality, identity, relationships, and authenticity.
Chris introduces the concept of sexual bypassing – using sexual labels, identities, or communities as a way of avoiding deeper exploration of who we are and what we actually want. While sexual identity can provide essential belonging, validation, and community (especially for marginalized people) Chris argues that no single label can capture the complexity of a whole person.
The conversation explores why queer people may become overly attached to sexual roles, how labels can create unnecessary limitations in dating and relationships, and why partners shouldn't be ruled out simply because they identify as a “top” or “bottom.” Chris also challenges conventional ideas about sexual dysfunction, erectile “disappointment,” body image, masculinity, and the pressure to conform to unrealistic sexual and physical standards.
They also discuss porn, ethical consumption, the manosphere, differentiation, and what it means to build a life rooted in authenticity rather than normativity.
Ultimately, Chris invites us to hold our identities more lightly - not because they don't matter, but because there is always more to us than the categories we use to describe ourselves.
About Dr Chris:
Dr Chris Donaghue is a psychotherapist specializing in couples and sex therapy, with a private practice in addition to his work as an author, lecturer, and educator. He serves as the Director of Clinical Education for The Sexual Health Alliance and chairs the organization’s Annual Sexological Conference.
Dr Donaghue is the author of Rebel Love and Sex Outside the Lines: Authentic Sexuality in a Sexually Dysfunctional Culture, and has contributed chapters to several books, including The Sex Issue by the editors of Goop.
Connect with Dr Chris:
Website: www.drchrisdonaghue.com
Instagram: @drdonaghue
Connect with Tom:
Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
Why Great Therapy Includes Conversations About Sex | Interview with Martha Kauppi
What happens when therapists avoid talking about sex? According to Martha Kauppi (she/they), it often leaves clients feeling invisible, misunderstood, and carrying even more shame than when they arrived.In this …
Show notes
What happens when therapists avoid talking about sex? According to Martha Kauppi (she/they), it often leaves clients feeling invisible, misunderstood, and carrying even more shame than when they arrived.
In this conversation, Tom sits down with Martha to explore why sexuality is an essential part of the human experience, and why every therapist should feel equipped to discuss it. Drawing on decades of clinical work and training thousands of therapists, Martha explains how cultural myths about sex, relationships, and desire quietly shape therapy, often reinforcing shame instead of helping people heal.
Together, they also unpack some of the biggest misconceptions about consensual non-monogamy. Martha shares insights from her book on polyamorous and open relationships, explaining why relationship success depends far more on communication, consent, differentiation, repair, and trust than on relationship labels. They also discuss why LGBTQ+ and non-monogamous clients often feel unseen in therapy, how therapists can create greater safety, and why meaningful conversations matter more than finding the "perfect" labels.
This episode offers practical wisdom, compassionate guidance, and an affirming reminder that there is no single "right" way to love - only the work of creating relationships that genuinely fit the people in them.
About Martha:
Martha Kauppi is a marriage and family therapist, educator, author, speaker, and AASECT-certified sex therapist and supervisor. She has a lifelong career in health and sexuality, and is a senior trainer of the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy. Martha trains therapists all over the world to work more effectively with relational intimacy challenges and sex issues. She is the author of Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients).
Connect with Martha:
Website: https://www.instituteforrelationalintimacy.com
Instagram: @martha_kauppi
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@RelationalIntimacy
Books: https://www.instituteforrelationalintimacy.com/8-steps-to-opening-up-opt-in
https://www.instituteforrelationalintimacy.com/relationship-repair-CNM
https://www.instituteforrelationalintimacy.com/book
Courses: https://www.instituteforrelationalintimacy.com/CNM-Level-1
Podcast: https://www.instituteforrelationalintimacy.com/untangling-intimacy
Connect with Tom:
Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
Why So Many Gay Men Struggle with Intimacy, Shame & Spirituality | Interview with Darren Main
What if the biggest obstacle to love isn't finding the right partner -- but the story you've been told about yourself?In this conversation, Tom Bruett (he/him) sits down with Darren Main (he/him), to explore …
Show notes
What if the biggest obstacle to love isn't finding the right partner -- but the story you've been told about yourself?
In this conversation, Tom Bruett (he/him) sits down with Darren Main (he/him), to explore how queer men can heal shame, cultivate authentic relationships, and reconnect with purpose. Drawing from more than 35 years of working with LGBTQ+ communities, Darren shares how his experiences with addiction, recovery, spirituality, HIV, fatherhood, and self-acceptance shaped his approach to healing.
Together, they discuss why so many gay men struggle with intimacy long after coming out, how internalized shame influences relationships, and why healing involves more than changing our thoughts. Darren explains the role of embodiment through practices like yoga and meditation, reflects on lessons from the 12-Step tradition, and shares how mindfulness and community can help people reconnect with themselves. They also explore loneliness in queer communities, the importance of creating friendships outside of dating and hookup culture, and why spaces like the Gay Men's Sangha offer a powerful model for meaningful connection.
The conversation also touches on grief, queer spirituality, parenting, and the importance of becoming the elder you once needed. Whether you're navigating relationships, healing from shame, or searching for deeper community, this episode offers compassionate insights and a hopeful reminder that lasting connection begins with the relationship you have with yourself.
About Darren:
Darren Main is a yoga teacher, writer, and massage therapist who has spent more than three decades helping gay, bi, and queer men cultivate deeper wellness, stronger relationships, and a more embodied sense of self. Through his Q-MindBody podcast, he brings together mindfulness, somatic awareness, and queer spirituality in conversations that challenge old narratives and inspire real transformation. His work creates a grounded, affirming space for men seeking clarity, healing, and meaningful connection.
Connect with Darren:
Website:darrenmain.com
Instagram: @darrenjmain
Podcast: https://darrenmain.net/qmindbodypodcast
Book: https://amzn.to/4b607Uo
Connect with Tom:
Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
Non-Monogamy, Polyamory & Open Relationships Explained | Interview with Andrew Reidenbach
What does it actually take to build a healthy non-monogamous relationship? In this episode, Tom (he/him) welcomes Andrew Reidenbach (he/him), psychotherapist and Clinical Director of Midtown Mind Psychotherapy …
Show notes
What does it actually take to build a healthy non-monogamous relationship? In this episode, Tom (he/him) welcomes Andrew Reidenbach (he/him), psychotherapist and Clinical Director of Midtown Mind Psychotherapy, for an honest conversation about open relationships, polyamory, attachment, and the communication skills that help relationships thrive.
Andrew shares how he came to specialize in working with LGBTQ+ clients in non-monogamous relationships and explores why more people are questioning traditional relationship structures. Together, Tom and Andrew discuss the many forms of ethical non-monogamy, why communication and clear agreements are essential, how jealousy and attachment wounds show up, and why trust (not exclusivity) is often the foundation of successful relationships.
They also unpack common misconceptions about polyamory and open relationships, explore the role of shame and societal expectations, discuss navigating boundaries, sexual health, and time management, and offer guidance for couples who are considering opening their relationship for the first time.
Whether you're curious about ethical non-monogamy, exploring a new relationship structure, or simply interested in rethinking what healthy relationships can look like, this conversation offers a thoughtful, compassionate perspective on love, intimacy, and connection.
About Andrew:
Andrew Reidenbach is the founder of Midtown Mind Psychotherapy, a group practice based in New York City. His work focuses primarily on LGBTQ+ clients and trauma, integrating advanced relational psychodynamic training with attachment-focused EMDR. Andrew also brings clinical expertise in nonmonogamy, supporting individuals and couples in navigating complex relationship dynamics with depth and nuance.
Connect with Andrew:
Website: https://www.midtownmindpsychotherapy.com
Connect with Tom:
Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
Why You're Losing Erections (and how to FIX it) | Interview with Shay Doran
What happens when everything looks successful on the outside, but you're quietly struggling with performance anxiety, erection challenges, and shame?In this episode, Tom (he/him) sits down with coach Shay Doran …
Show notes
What happens when everything looks successful on the outside, but you're quietly struggling with performance anxiety, erection challenges, and shame?
In this episode, Tom (he/him) sits down with coach Shay Doran (he/him) to explore one of the most misunderstood and least talked-about issues affecting men's sexual wellbeing. Drawing from his own journey from years of silently battling porn use, anxiety, and relationship struggles to helping thousands of men overcome performance anxiety, Shay shares why these challenges are about so much more than erections.
Together, they unpack the powerful role of shame, masculinity, porn, and early life experiences in shaping our relationship with sex. They also explore how performance anxiety can show up differently for gay and straight men, why medications like Viagra aren't always the complete answer, and how the nervous system (not a lack of desire or masculinity) is often at the center of the problem.
This compassionate conversation offers hope for anyone who's ever wondered, "What's wrong with me?" and reminds us that healing begins when we stop treating sex like a performance and start understanding the deeper patterns underneath.
Whether you're experiencing performance anxiety yourself, supporting a partner, or you're a therapist working with men's sexual health, this episode offers practical insights and a fresh perspective on one of the most common but least discussed sexual concerns.
About Shay:
Shay Doran specializes in helping men fix sexual performance anxiety & erection problems. After experiencing these challenges himself, Shay has now helped men around the world to get erection problems fixed and feel normal again.
Connect with Shay:
Website: https://shay-doran.com/
Free Quiz: https://shay-doran.com/free-quiz/
YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@shay-doran
Connect with Tom:
Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
The Truth About Prostate Health, ED & Masculinity | Interview with Dr. Arthur Burnett
How do you protect your prostate, recognize the early signs of erectile dysfunction, and separate medical facts from internet myths?In this episode, Tom (he/him) sits down with Dr. Arthur Burnett (he/him) …
Show notes
How do you protect your prostate, recognize the early signs of erectile dysfunction, and separate medical facts from internet myths?
In this episode, Tom (he/him) sits down with Dr. Arthur Burnett (he/him), renowned Johns Hopkins urologist, researcher, and one of the pioneers behind the science that led to Viagra, to discuss what everyone with a prostate should know about sexual health and aging.
We explore common misconceptions about prostate health, whether frequent orgasms actually reduce prostate cancer risk, and why erectile dysfunction can sometimes be an early warning sign of heart disease. Dr. Burnett also explains why buying ED medications online without a medical evaluation can cause people to miss serious underlying health conditions.
The conversation also focuses on LGBTQ+ health, including prostate care for gay and bisexual men, trans women who still have a prostate, and why every patient deserves affirming, judgment-free medical care. We discuss harm reduction, the risks of mixing poppers with erectile medications, recovery after prostate cancer treatment, and the growing trend of penile enhancement procedures.
Finally, Dr. Burnett shares his concerns about modern masculinity, the pressures created by porn and social media, and why being a healthy man has far more to do with authenticity, relationships, and overall wellbeing than penis size or outdated stereotypes.
Whether you're trying to stay healthy, improve your sexual functioning, or simply understand your body better, this conversation offers practical, evidence-based guidance grounded in decades of clinical experience.
About Arthur:
Arthur L. “Bud” Burnett II, MD, MBA, FACS, is a globally recognized Johns Hopkins urologist, researcher, and lead investigator in the scientific development of Viagra, whose pioneering work in men’s health and erectile function has transformed care worldwide.
Connect with Arthur:
Website: https://drarthurburnett.com/
Instagram: @dr.arthurburnett
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DrArthurBurnett
Connect with Tom:
Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
When Sex Feels Out of Control, What’s Really Happening? | Interview with Michael A. Vigorito
What happens when we stop viewing sexuality through a lens of shame and start approaching it with curiosity, compassion, and context? In this episode, Tom Bruett (he/him) welcomes Michael A. Vigorito (he/him) …
Show notes
What happens when we stop viewing sexuality through a lens of shame and start approaching it with curiosity, compassion, and context? In this episode, Tom Bruett (he/him) welcomes Michael A. Vigorito (he/him), LMFT, CGP, CST-S, sex therapist, author, supervisor, and co-author of Treating Out-of-Control Sexual Behavior, for a conversation about sexuality, shame, and sexual health.
Michael shares his work challenging the traditional “sex addiction” framework and explores why sexual behaviors can become complicated, how shame and stigma shape our relationship with desire, and why understanding the context behind our choices matters more than labeling them.
Together, Tom and Michael discuss sexual health, pleasure and safety, queer experiences with sexuality and stigma, how secrecy and shame can impact intimacy, and what it looks like to build a healthier relationship with sex and yourself.
Whether you’ve struggled with feeling “too much,” questioned your relationship with sex, or simply want a more compassionate understanding of sexuality, this conversation offers a different way to think about desire, connection, and healing.
About Michael:
Michael Vigorito is a certified sex therapist, author, trainer, and clinical supervisor specializing in sexual and behavioral health. He co-developed a sexual health assessment and treatment protocol published in Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior - Rethinking Sex Addiction (SSTAR 2018 Health Professional Book Award). He has led multiple SAMHSA- and CDC-funded training initiatives integrating sexual health and LGBTQ+ affirming care into behavioral health systems, including the Sexual and Gender Diversity Learning Community at the University of Maryland Prevention Research Center. Mr. Vigorito is a Certified Group Psychotherapist (AGPA), a Certified Sex Therapist and Supervisor (AASECT), and currently serves as President of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research (SSTAR).
Connect with Michael:
Website: www.MichaelVigorito.com
Book: Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior: Rethinking Sex Addiction https://a.co/d/0frXNESf
Connect with Tom:
Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
Anxious Attachment: Why We Chase Love That Hurts & How to Heal | Interview with Chris Rackliffe
In this episode, Tom (he/him) welcomes Chris Rackliffe (he/him), anxious attachment style coach, author, and host of Needy No More podcast, for a deep conversation about attachment, relationships, and …
Show notes
In this episode, Tom (he/him) welcomes Chris Rackliffe (he/him), anxious attachment style coach, author, and host of Needy No More podcast, for a deep conversation about attachment, relationships, and healing.
Chris shares his own experience with anxious attachment and explores why so many people develop a fear of abandonment, become hypervigilant in relationships, or find themselves chasing connection while losing connection with themselves.
Together, Tom and Chris discuss anxious and avoidant attachment dynamics, why queer people may carry unique experiences of rejection and invalidation, how self-abandonment can impact relationships, and what it actually takes to build more secure ways of connecting.
Whether you identify as anxiously attached, avoidant, or simply someone who wants healthier relationships, this conversation offers insight, compassion, and practical tools for understanding yourself and your patterns.
About Chris:
Chris Rackliffe, or @crackliffe as he is fondly known, is an anxious attachment style coach, host of the Needy No More podcast, and author of two self-help books: It’s Good to See Me Again: How to Find Your Way When You Feel Lost and Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment.
Chris has worked with thousands of clients across six continents to help them heal their anxious attachment style and grow more secure, sharing everything he’s learned on his own healing journey—from how to integrate trauma and regulate the nervous system, to how to effectively communicate and set boundaries. You can find him on TikTok and Instagram @crackliffe.
Connect with Chris:
Instagram: @crackliffe
TikTok: @crackliffe
Website: https://www.crackliffe.com/ Coaching program: https://www.crackliffe.com/coaching
Book: https://amzn.to/49Q4mEg
Connect with Tom:
Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
LGBTQ+ Aging, Sex & Desire: What Nobody Talks About | Interview with Joseph Winn
In this interview, Tom (he/him) interviews Joe Winn (he/him) LICSW, CST-S, about one of the most overlooked topics in LGBTQ+ mental health: aging, sexuality, and intimacy.Together, they explore how the HIV/AIDS …
Show notes
In this interview, Tom (he/him) interviews Joe Winn (he/him) LICSW, CST-S, about one of the most overlooked topics in LGBTQ+ mental health: aging, sexuality, and intimacy.
Together, they explore how the HIV/AIDS crisis continues to shape the lives of older queer adults, the grief and resilience carried by LGBTQ+ elders, and the ways ageism affects desire, relationships, and self-worth. Joseph challenges conventional ideas about sex, arguing that pleasure is much bigger than performance, penetration, or youth.
Throughout the conversation, Tom and Joseph discuss the lasting impact of the AIDS epidemic, the loss of LGBTQ+ elders and intergenerational connection, aging and body image, changing sexual experiences, internalized shame, religious trauma, loneliness, community, and the importance of pleasure and intimacy at every stage of life. They also examine the limitations of traditional sex education and therapy training, and why expanding our understanding of sexuality can help people build richer, more connected lives.
If you've ever wondered how desire evolves across the lifespan, or how to create a more expansive and fulfilling understanding of intimacy, this conversation is for you.
About Joe:
Joe is a clinical social worker, AASECT certified sex therapist and AASECT certified supervisor of sex therapy. He received his MSW from Boston University in 1995 and has maintained a supervisory, consultation and private practice since 2006. Joe’s post graduate trainings have focused on structural, strategic, Bowenian, and various constructivist and social justice, models of individual and relational therapy. Joe has trained in EFT, Gottman Method, and The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy.
He was a member of the training faculty at The South Shore Sexual Health Center from 2014-2025, where he taught AASECT sex therapy candidates how to assess, formulate, and intervene with relational and sexual difficulties. Joe has lectured nationally and internationally on such topics as working with differentiation in sex and couples therapy, working effectively with erotic transference and countertransference, applying BDSM/kink consent and pleasure negotiation models to improving differentiation in sexual functioning and problematic sexual behavior.
Connect with Joe:
Website: josephwinnlicsw.net
Connect with Tom:
website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
What Queer People NEED to Know About HIV Today | Interview with Araya Baker
In this interview, Tom (he/him) interviews Araya (they/them), therapist, columnist, and social policy researcher about serodiscordant (mixed-status) relationships, HIV stigma, disclosure, intimacy, and the …
Show notes
In this interview, Tom (he/him) interviews Araya (they/them), therapist, columnist, and social policy researcher about serodiscordant (mixed-status) relationships, HIV stigma, disclosure, intimacy, and the realities of living with HIV in 2026.
Together they explore how HIV criminalization laws, discrimination, misinformation, and systemic barriers continue to impact queer relationships despite major medical advances such as U=U (Undetectable = Untransmittable). Araya shares insights from their work with clients navigating mixed-status partnerships, discussing disclosure decisions, sexual anxiety, relationship conflict, family planning, financial stress, and the emotional impact of stigma.
They also examine the lasting legacy of the AIDS epidemic, the parallels between HIV and COVID-related trauma, and why therapists need better training around sexuality, HIV, and queer mental health.
Whether you're a mental health professional, LGBTQ+ community member, or anyone interested in relationship dynamics, this conversation offers a compassionate and evidence-informed look at one of the most misunderstood topics in sexual health.
About Araya:
Araya Baker, M.Phil.Ed., Ed.M. is a therapist, columnist, and social policy researcher.
As a therapist, Araya supports individuals and couples navigating concerns around addiction, aging, cancer, disability, family estrangement, grief and trauma, life purpose and self-actualization, neurodivergence, prejudice and racism, relationships, reproductive health and family-building, and sexual health and HIV.
For over a decade, Araya has leveraged writing to promote lifelong learning and democratize access to applied critical theory/social philosophy beyond academia. Their social commentary and public scholarship have been featured in The Washington Post, HuffPost, Psychology Today, Teen Vogue, EdPost, Vice, Buzzfeed, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, and myriad indie/regional outlets.
Araya earned an Ed.M. in Human Development from Harvard as an Equity Fellow, an M.Phil.Ed. in Counseling from the University of Pennsylvania, where they received the Award for Excellence in Promoting Diversity & Inclusion, and a B.A. in English from Tufts, where they were a Tisch Scholar and engaged African & Caribbean literature, Black Arts Movement poetry, queer Black feminism, gospel music, Southern studies, and Swahili.
Connect with Araya:
Website: arayabaker.com Instagram: @arayabaker
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@araya_baker
Connect with Tom:
website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
Why So Many Bi Men Stay Closeted | Interview with Robert Cohen
In this episode, Tom (he/him) interviews writer, comedian, coach, and Two Bi Guys host Robert Brooks Cohen (he/him) about bisexuality, late-life coming out, bi erasure, monogamy, shame, fluidity, and the hidden …
Show notes
In this episode, Tom (he/him) interviews writer, comedian, coach, and Two Bi Guys host Robert Brooks Cohen (he/him) about bisexuality, late-life coming out, bi erasure, monogamy, shame, fluidity, and the hidden realities many bi men face.
They discuss why only 15% of bi men are out, why bisexuality can feel threatening to rigid social norms, and how younger generations are redefining sexuality and gender. Robert also shares insights from coaching married bi men, navigating open relationships, supporting a partner through gender transition, and the idea of “queer second adolescence” later in life.
The conversation also explores bisexual mental health, invisibility within LGBTQ+ spaces, queer hookup culture, Sniffies, and why it’s never too late to come out and live authentically.
Whether you’re bi, questioning, queer, partnered, closeted, or simply curious about sexuality and identity, this episode offers an honest, funny, and deeply validating conversation about fluidity, authenticity, and connection.
About Robert:
Robert Cohen (he/him) is a life coach, content creator, podcast host -- "Two Bi Guys (By One Bi Guy)" -- author ("Bisexual Married Men: Stories of Relationships, Acceptance and Authenticity"), former TV writer, and stand-up comedian living in Los Angeles.
Connect with Robert:
Website: www.TwoBiGuys.com
Life Coaching: www.robertbrookscohen.com Instagram: @robertbrookscohen
TikTok: @robertbrookscohen
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@twobiguys
Connect with Tom:
website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
Kink, Shame & The Truth About “Sides” | Interview with Dr. Joe Kort
In this episode, psychotherapist and sexologist Dr. Joe Kort (he/him) joins Tom Bruett (he/him) for a candid conversation about queer sexuality, kink, shame, relationships, and identity. Dr. Joe Kort shares how …
Show notes
In this episode, psychotherapist and sexologist Dr. Joe Kort (he/him) joins Tom Bruett (he/him) for a candid conversation about queer sexuality, kink, shame, relationships, and identity. Dr. Joe Kort shares how his own experiences shaped his groundbreaking work with gay men, kinky clients, and sexually fluid people — including why he walked away from the “sex addiction” model and became one of the field’s most provocative voices.
They explore the meaning behind the term “side,” the growing conversation around outercourse, how kink develops, why queer communities can sometimes police each other’s identities, and what therapists often get wrong about sexuality. Dr. Kort also opens up about his 33-year relationship, navigating neurodiversity in partnership, surviving the AIDS crisis, and the importance of creating more expansive definitions of sex, intimacy, and desire.
This episode is an honest, funny, and deeply insightful conversation about authenticity, erotic identity, queer relationships, and breaking free from sexual shame.
About Joe:
Psychotherapist Joe Kort (he/him), PhD, LMSW, is the clinical director and founder of The Center for Relationship and Sexual Health in Royal Oak, Michigan. He is a board-certified clinical sexologist, author of four books, lecturer and facilitator of therapeutic workshops. Throughout his 40 years of private practice, he successfully has utilized varying therapy modalities to help hundreds of individuals and couples improve their lives and strengthen their relationships.
Dr. Kort specializes in marital problems and conflicts; mixed orientation marriages; male sexuality and sexual health concerns; “sex addiction,” out-of-control sexual behaviors; sexual identity issues; childhood sexual abuse; LGBTQIA Affirmative Therapy; and Imago Relationship Therapy.
He is trained in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing), a safe and effective treatment that can help patients who have suffered for years from anxiety, distressing memories, nightmares, insomnia, abuse or other traumatic events.
Dr. Kort obtained his undergraduate degree from Michigan State University in East Lansing, Michigan, with a dual major in psychology and social work. He earned master’s degrees in social work and psychology from Wayne State University in Detroit, Michigan, and a doctorate (PhD) in Clinical Sexology from the American Academy of Clinical Sexologists.
Connect with Joe:
Website: https://joekort.com/
Group Practice: https://crsh.com/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/joekort
Podcast: Smart Sex, Smart Love with Dr Joe Kort
Instagram: @drjoekort
TikTok: @drjoekort
Connect with Tom:
website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
Why Intimacy Can Feel Impossible for Queer Men | Interview with Andrew Katsinas
In this episode, Tom Bruett (he/him) interviews Andrew Katsinas (he/him), a queer sex and trauma therapist, for a wide-ranging conversation about queer male sexuality, emotional intimacy, shame, spirituality …
Show notes
In this episode, Tom Bruett (he/him) interviews Andrew Katsinas (he/him), a queer sex and trauma therapist, for a wide-ranging conversation about queer male sexuality, emotional intimacy, shame, spirituality, and the hidden ways many LGBTQ+ people learn to disconnect from themselves during sex and relationships. Together, they explore topics like religious messaging, bisexual erasure, hookup culture, performance anxiety, consent, and the “second adolescence” many queer people experience after coming out.
The conversation also examines why so many people feel pressure to perform during sex, how sexual scripts shape queer relationships, and the difference between spirituality and organized religion. Through an honest and nuanced discussion, Tom and Andrew unpack what authentic connection, pleasure, and self-understanding can look like for queer people navigating dating, identity, intimacy, and healing.
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
About Andrew:
Andrew Katsinas (he/him) LMFT, CST, is a queer sex and trauma therapist in West Los Angeles passionate about reclaiming pleasure, healing trauma, and expanding sex education. He is also a massive cinephile, globe trotter, and most importantly, a daddy to his corgi/babygirl Riley.
Connect with Andrew:
Website: www.andrewkatsinas.com
Instagram: @akatsinasmft
Connect with Tom:
website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
How Religious Trauma Shapes Queer Dating & Mental Health | Interview with Kit Morgan
In this episode, Tom Bruett (he/him) interviews Kit Morgan (he/they), a queer and trans religious trauma-informed educator, licensed clinical social worker, and therapist. Together, they explore how religious …
Show notes
In this episode, Tom Bruett (he/him) interviews Kit Morgan (he/they), a queer and trans religious trauma-informed educator, licensed clinical social worker, and therapist. Together, they explore how religious trauma continues to shape queer and trans lives long after leaving faith communities. From purity culture and internalized shame to the ways stigma around mental health keeps people stuck, Kit unpacks how belief systems can quietly influence identity, relationships, and self-worth in ways many people don’t even realize.
They dive into the difference between conflict and abuse in religious families, how “Midwest nice” can mask deeper harm, and why so many people struggle to name their experiences as trauma. The conversation also examines how these early messages show up in dating, attraction, and desire, along with what therapists and allies often get wrong when supporting queer and trans clients. If you’ve ever felt like you left religion but it didn’t fully leave you, this episode offers language, insight, and a path toward understanding what’s still lingering beneath the surface.
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
About Kit:
Kit Morgan is a queer and trans religious trauma informed educator, licensed clinical social worker, and therapist, working with clients in New York, Virginia, and Indiana. Kit’s work began with advocacy and research for people at high risk of incarceration. From Kit’s background of growing up in the Independent Fundamentalist Baptist and Southern Baptist denominations during his girlhood years, Kit noticed how institutionalization, including the institution of religion, impacts the way people relate to their gender and sexuality. This inspired Kit to study Christian Counseling, the science of psychology, and social work in their time at university. Kit focuses their work on liberation from shame induced by institutionalization impacting people’s relationship to their queerness.
Connect with Kit:
Website: www.theliberatedporch.com
TikTok: @theliberatedporch
Instagram: @theliberatedporch
Connect with Tom:
website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
What Nobody Tells You About Gay Dating with a Disability | Interview with Andrew Gurza
In this episode, Tom Bruett (he/him) interviews Andrew Gurza (they/he), an award-winning disability awareness consultant, author, and podcast host of Disability After Dark. What happens when desire, disability …
Show notes
In this episode, Tom Bruett (he/him) interviews Andrew Gurza (they/he), an award-winning disability awareness consultant, author, and podcast host of Disability After Dark. What happens when desire, disability, and queer identity intersect? In this conversation, Andrew shares an unfiltered look at dating, intimacy, and ableism in the gay community. Together, they explore why so many queer men struggle with connection, how bias shapes attraction, and what it really takes to build intimacy beyond surface-level desire. This episode is an invitation to examine our assumptions, expand our understanding of sexuality, and rethink what it means to feel wanted, seen, and connected.
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards About Andrew: Andrew Gurza is an award winning Disability Awareness Consultant and author of the book, Notes From a Queer Cripple: How to Cultivate Queer Disabled Joy (and be hot while doing it!) Andrew uses they/he pronouns and identifies proudly as severely disabled. He was the subject of an award winning National Film Board of Canada Documentary “Picture This”. Andrew has guested on a number of podcasts including Dan Savage’s Savage Love. They have spoken all over the world on sex, disability and what it means to be a Queer Cripple. They were also a Production Consultant and Actor on the Queer As Folk reboot in 2022. He is also the host of Disability After Dark: The Podcast Shining a Bright Light on Disability Stories which won a Canadian Podcast Award in 2021, was a Queerty Award nominee, and was chosen as an Honoree at the 2020 Webby Awards. The show is available on all platforms. Andrew is also the creator of the viral hashtag #DisabledPeopleAreHot. You can find out more about Andrew and hire them by going to andrewgurza.ca Connect with Andrew: Website: www.andrewgurza.ca Book: Notes From A Queer Cripple: How to Cultivate Queer Disabled Joy (and Be Hot While Doing It!)Podcast: Disability After DarkInstagram: @andrewgurzaConnect with Tom: website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Why the Mother-Son Relationship is Different for Gay Men | Interview with Rick Miller
In this episode, Tom Bruett (he/him) interviews Rick Miller (he/him), a pioneering psychotherapist, author and film maker with over 40 years of experience working with gay men and couples. They explore why the …
Show notes
In this episode, Tom Bruett (he/him) interviews Rick Miller (he/him), a pioneering psychotherapist, author and film maker with over 40 years of experience working with gay men and couples. They explore why the relationship between gay sons and their mothers is often uniquely close, the historical harm caused by blaming mothers for their sons’ sexuality, and what Rick’s research and documentary Mom, I Have Something to Tell You reveal about love, protection, and resilience. The conversation expands into modern gay relationships - why communication around sex, money, and intimacy is so difficult, how shame still shapes gay men’s inner worlds, and what it actually takes to build trust and connection. Rick also shares how his work with hypnosis and mindfulness helps clients reconnect to their strengths, and why therapists need to lead with presence and belief in their clients rather than focusing only on pathology.
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
About Rick:
Rick is a clinical social worker in private practice in Boston and on Cape Cod, Massachusetts. He has served nationally and internationally on faculties at a number of universities and conferences, including the faculty at Harvard Medical School, Department of Psychiatry, Yale Hospital and Health Systems Keynote Speaker for Diversity and Inclusion, Simmons University School of Social Work and faculty member for Esther Perel’s Sessions programs.
He was awarded the 2018 National Association of Social Workers’ Greatest Contribution to Social Work Practice award in recognition of his unique contribution to the body of knowledge that has never previously been studied or published in professional literature.
Most recently, Rick was a speaker at TEDx Provincetown: Hyperlocal, sharing his experiences with Gay Sons and Mothers through his talk, The Mother Factor: Acceptance Works Both Ways. He has established trainings for MH professionals that facilitate knowledgeable interventions which allow LGBTQ+ populations to feel understood and affirmed, and developed mindfulness techniques specific to gay men which has never been done by anybody else.
Connect with Rick:
Websites: gaysonsandmothers.org and rickmiller.biz
Book: https://a.co/d/01UvVtXs
Podcast: Modern Couples: What Your Therapist Never Told You
Instagram: @gaysonsandmothers, @rickmillerlicsw
TikTok: @Gaysonsandmothers
Connect with Tom:
website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5What If Nobody Is Actually Straight? (A Therapist Explains) | interview with Paula D. Atkinson
In this interview, Tom Bruett(he/him) interviews Paula D. Atkinson (she/her), a queer, liberation-focused psychotherapist based in Palm Springs. They discuss Paula's journey to claiming her queer identity later …
Show notes
In this interview, Tom Bruett(he/him) interviews Paula D. Atkinson (she/her), a queer, liberation-focused psychotherapist based in Palm Springs. They discuss Paula's journey to claiming her queer identity later in life, the gatekeeping she encountered along the way, and why she believes binaries in sexuality, in relationships, and in therapy itself are a lie. Paula shares her philosophy of "infinite permission," her 20-year unconventional partnership, and why connecting to what you actually want is the foundation of everything, including good couples therapy. They also explore body liberation, the Artist's Way, and Paula's podcast, What If Nothing's Wrong With You.
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
About Paula:
Paula D. Atkinson is a queer, woo-woo desert witch and a liberation-focused psychotherapist. She has been working for over 15 years with those who suffer from disordered eating, food obsession, exercise addiction, and body hatred. For many years she taught courses on the history of fat phobia and our culture's thin worship as a professor of Weight & Society at George Washington University. She trains professionals, clinics, and organizations in doing less harm in a thin-obsessed world. She has been interviewed for various articles, podcasts and broadcasts, including on NPR, and co-hosts a podcast that explores how psychotherapy conspires with the many systems that cause mental suffering. She is a second-generation yoga teacher, a psychic witch, an artist, and an aspiring DJ! Paula grew up in the Bay Area, lived in DC and NYC for over 20 years, and recently relocated to Palm Springs CA where she is grateful every day for the dry heat, big sky and the desert vibrations.
Connect with Paula:
Website: https://www.pauladatkinson.com/
Instagram: @pauladatkinson
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@WINWWY/featured
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@pauladatkinson5
Connect with Tom:
website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5Bisexuality, Masculinity and Thriving as a Queer Middle Eastern Man - interview David F Khalili
In this conversation, Tom Bruett interviews David F Khalili (he/him), a queer licensed marriage and family therapist and board certified sexologist based in San Francisco and founder of Rouse Relational …
Show notes
In this conversation, Tom Bruett interviews David F Khalili (he/him), a queer licensed marriage and family therapist and board certified sexologist based in San Francisco and founder of Rouse Relational Wellness. They discuss David's mission of "Shame Less, Love More," his journey into sex therapy, and the unique challenges faced by queer Middle Eastern men navigating identity, family, and belonging. David shares his perspective on bi erasure, the cost of masculinity for men across the gender and sexuality spectrum, and why helping clients simply feel comfortable talking about sex is often the most powerful first step. They also explore therapist burnout, the importance of community for isolated private practice clinicians, and David's growing Rouse Academy training program for therapists.
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
About David:
David F Khalili is a queer licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified sexologist, and founder of Rouse Relational Wellness, a boutique couples and sex therapy center in San Francisco focused on helping queer, kinky, and poly folks have their best relationships. Offering trainings and gatherings at Rouse Academy, David brings together couples and sex therapists seeking community and continuing education. He also authored the recently published Mental Health Workbook for Men to enhance their relationships with others.
Connect with David:
Professional Websites: rousetherapy.com, davidfkhalili.com
Training for Therapists: rouseacademy.com
Instagram: @rousetherapy
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@rousetherapy
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@rousetherapy
Connect with Tom:
website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
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