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How To Deal
PodcastGesundheit und FitnessKindererziehungEnglisch

How To Deal

von Attachment Nerd

Neu#45 How to Deal with Adoption and Identity | With Sofia Kent06.11.2026 · 37 Min.
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49
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6. Nov. 2026
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Über den Podcast

How To Deal is the podcast for parents who want to raise emotionally healthy kids in a world full of messy moments. Therapist and bestselling author Eli Harwood (aka The Attachment Nerd) brings you real stories, expert advice, and practical tools to build stronger relationships with your children—and yourself. Attachmentnerd.com

Folgen 49

  1. #45 How to Deal with Adoption and Identity | With Sofia Kent

    37 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 45

    Content note: This conversation discusses adoption, separation from birth family, racism and grief.What do adopted kids need from the people who love them?Eli Harwood talks with therapist Sofia Kent, who was …

    Shownotes

    Content note: This conversation discusses adoption, separation from birth family, racism and grief.

    What do adopted kids need from the people who love them?

    Eli Harwood talks with therapist Sofia Kent, who was adopted from China as a baby and now works with adoptees and their families. Sofia shares what it was like to grow up in a family where her story was visible to everyone, and why adoptees so often feel pressure to prove they deserve to be here.

    Together, they explore the “lucky” narrative that can leave little room for grief, what it means to straddle cultures and racial identities, and why validation matters more than reassurance when a child says they feel different. Sofia also tells the story of searching for her birth family as a middle schooler, what that search uncovered, and how to live with the pieces that may never be found.

    In this conversation
    • “Compulsory gratitude” and the pressure many adoptees carry to be thankful and easy to love.
    • Why “everyone feels that way” can miss what a transracially adopted child is going through.
    • Educating yourself so your child doesn’t have to be the expert on adoption or race.
    • Helping kids choose how to answer “Where are you really from?”
    • People-pleasing, belonging and putting other people’s comfort first.
    • Searching for birth family, partial answers and the grief that stays.
    • Following your child’s lead when they want more connection to their origins and when they don’t.

    Sofia’s search is documented in Sofia’s Journey, a film by Changfu Chang. Watch the Sofia’s Journey documentary trailer.

    Find Sofia
    Connect with Eli

    Music by Gold Child.

  2. #44 How to Deal with Trauma When Healing Hurts | With Kobe Campbell

    29 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 44

    Why can healing make the past hurt more?Eli Harwood sits down with therapist and author Kobe Campbell to explore how past wounds can shape our identity, relationships, and expectations of the future. Kobe …

    Shownotes
    Why can healing make the past hurt more?

    Eli Harwood sits down with therapist and author Kobe Campbell to explore how past wounds can shape our identity, relationships, and expectations of the future. Kobe describes the “paradox of healing”: as we experience more safety and connection, we may recognize pain we once had to minimize to survive.

    Together, they talk about making meaning without needing an answer to why something happened, finding agency when healthy choices still come with loss, and caring for ourselves when harm is ongoing. They also explore the difference it makes to have people who understand the context of our experiences—and how community can help us feel less alone.

    In this conversation
    • How trauma can affect the way we see ourselves and the world.
    • Why a history of safety and a history of early trauma can bring different challenges to healing.
    • Making room for grief without treating pain as proof that healing is failing.
    • Shifting from “Why did this happen?” toward “What happened, and what now?”
    • Finding relationships where our experiences are understood and our identities are celebrated.
    • The role of witnesses, groups, and connection in the healing process.

    Kobe also shares her book, Why Am I Like This?, her OASIS retreats, and resources through The Healing Circle Therapy & Wellness Center. Their discussion of growth after trauma does not suggest that trauma is necessary or that suffering makes someone better.

    Find Kobe and the resources mentioned

    This conversation was recorded in July 2026. Visit Kobe’s sites for current retreat and group information; dates and availability mentioned in the interview may have changed.

    Connect with Eli

    Music by Gold Child.

  3. #43 Navigating Pregnancy and Infant Loss | With Heather & Cody Baker

    42 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 43

    Heather and Cody Baker join Eli Harwood to talk about pregnancy and infant loss, grieving differently as partners, and parenting through grief. Drawing on their experience of losing their daughter Blakely, they …

    Shownotes

    Heather and Cody Baker join Eli Harwood to talk about pregnancy and infant loss, grieving differently as partners, and parenting through grief. Drawing on their experience of losing their daughter Blakely, they share how they learned to be with each other in their pain, make room for grief and joy, and carry their daughter’s memory forward. They also discuss practical ways friends and family can help, from caring for surviving children to remembering important dates and repairing hurtful moments.

    In this conversation
    • The Bakers’ experience of infertility, miscarriage, and stillbirth, and the early days of grief.
    • How their different ways of coping affected their relationship, and what helped them reconnect.
    • Making room for shared sorrow, laughter, intimacy, and ordinary family life.
    • Moving forward with their daughter’s memory as part of their family story.
    • Supporting surviving children while parents are grieving.
    • Offering presence, remembrance, practical help, and repair as a friend or family member.

    These are the speakers’ experiences and reflections, rather than a fixed sequence everyone follows through grief.

    Mentioned resources
    Connect with the guests

    Learn more about secure parenting:

    Secure Parenting Program

    Connect with Eli:


    Music by Gold Child:

    goldchildmusic.com

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  4. #42 How to Deal with Food, Bodies and Connection | With Kathryn Garland & Vanessa Scaringi

    32 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 42

    Food can bring up a lot of worry for parents. How do we stay curious about what a child is experiencing when our first instinct is to fix what they are eating?Eli talks with Kathryn Garland and Vanessa …

    Shownotes

    Food can bring up a lot of worry for parents. How do we stay curious about what a child is experiencing when our first instinct is to fix what they are eating?

    Eli talks with Kathryn Garland and Vanessa Scaringi, co-authors of Hungry for Connection, about the relationships around food, body image and eating disorders. They discuss slowing down during difficult food conversations, making room for repair, and helping children navigate diet culture and online messages.

    The conversation makes an important distinction: an eating disorder is not proof of insecure attachment or a parent's failure. The guests discuss multiple contributing factors, including neurodivergence and the wider environment, and acknowledge the role of behavioral and medical care alongside relational support.

    In this conversation
    • Understanding the feelings and needs that can sit beneath eating behaviors.
    • Pausing to notice the worry we bring to a food conversation.
    • Making space for repair when a moment does not go as we hoped.
    • The guests’ idea of “messy eating,” with flexibility for real family circumstances.
    • Bringing knowledge and body signals together, and asking questions about wellness claims.
    • Discussing social media with children while keeping connection and boundaries in view.

    Mentioned resources
    Connect with the guests

    Learn more about secure parenting:

    https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

    Connect with Eli:


    Music by Gold Child:

    https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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  5. #41 How to Deal with Childhood Wounds | With Galit Atlas

    33 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 41

    ]Why can it feel easier to understand everyone else than to let yourself be known?Eli Harwood joins psychoanalyst Dr. Galit Atlas to explore how childhood experiences can shape the ways we seek closeness …

    Shownotes

    ]Why can it feel easier to understand everyone else than to let yourself be known?

    Eli Harwood joins psychoanalyst Dr. Galit Atlas to explore how childhood experiences can shape the ways we seek closeness, protect ourselves, and care for other people.

    Drawing on Galit's book Come Closer, they focus on three of its six childhood patterns: the invisible child, the chosen child, and the ashamed child. Eli reflects on her own experiences as they discuss emotional caretaking, the pressure to keep a parent happy, and the pain of a parent who did not show up.

    The conversation closes with a compassionate invitation: listen to the child you were without dismissing their experience, and seek support as you practice new ways of connecting.

    In this conversation
    • Galit describes how becoming hard to see can protect a child while making vulnerability difficult later.
    • The chosen child learns to prioritize a parent's emotional needs; that responsibility can continue into adult relationships.
    • Eli and Galit explore the difference between sharing your story with your child and asking your child to soothe you.
    • They emphasize noticing your impact and making repairs when a conversation becomes too much.
    • Shame can grow from many experiences, including rejection and neglect; it does not point to one specific childhood event.
    • Galit invites listeners to approach their younger selves with curiosity, compassion, and support.

    Guest and resources

    Dr. Galit Atlas is a psychoanalyst and author. Learn more at her official website.


    Galit also discusses D. W. Winnicott's observation about hiding and being found. The interview does not establish the original publication source.

    Connect

    Learn more about the Secure Parenting Program.


    Music by Gold Child.

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  6. #40 When a Partner Isn’t on Board with Connection Focused Parenting | With Kyle & Sara Wester

    38 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 40

    What do you do when you want to parent through connection and your partner keeps reaching for control? Eli talks with Kyle and Sara Wester about the years when they were on different pages, the moment Kyle …

    Shownotes

    What do you do when you want to parent through connection and your partner keeps reaching for control? Eli talks with Kyle and Sara Wester about the years when they were on different pages, the moment Kyle began to rethink discipline, and the daily conversations that helped them build a shared approach.

    They explore the fear underneath controlling parenting, how to support a partner without taking over, and what mutual respect looks like with teenagers. Their stories make room for imperfect moments, honest reflection, and coming back to repair.

    Key Takeaways
    • Keep modeling the connection you want to build, even when your partner is not yet ready to hear a different perspective.
    • Kyle shares how learning about fear and the brain helped him reconsider discipline and the parenting patterns he inherited.
    • Notice when you are asking your children to soothe your stress, and make room to regulate yourself before responding.
    • Brief, regular conversations can help partners understand the beliefs and expectations underneath their parenting choices.
    • Supporting your partner can mean asking whether they want help and trusting them to handle a hard moment.
    • Mutual respect grows through modeling, taking responsibility, and repairing when you get it wrong.

    About the Guests

    Kyle and Sara Wester are the hosts of The Art of Raising Humans. In this conversation, they share their experience as parents and counselors, including how they moved from conflicting approaches toward a shared vision for their family.

    Visit Art of Raising Humans

    Resources Mentioned

    Learn more about secure parenting:

    https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

    Connect with Eli:


    Music by Gold Child:

    https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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  7. #39 Nerd Notes | Victim Mentality vs. Real Harm

    14 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 39

    In this solo episode, Eli dives into one of the most nuanced — and most needed — conversations in the world of relational health: the difference between genuinely being victimized and holding a victim …

    Shownotes

    In this solo episode, Eli dives into one of the most nuanced — and most needed — conversations in the world of relational health: the difference between genuinely being victimized and holding a victim mentality. With warmth and clarity, Eli walks you through the key markers of each, why abusive people often claim victim status, and why asking this question of yourself is actually a sign of health, not weakness.

    Key Takeaways
    • Being victimized and having a victim mentality are not the same thing — and confusing the two can keep you stuck in harmful dynamics.
    • Claiming harm is not the same as being a victim — recognizing you've been hurt is an act of courage and wisdom.
    • A victim mentality uses perceived harm to justify harming others — whereas genuine victimization leads you toward healing, safety, and self-protection.
    • Abusive people commonly hold victim mentality — they often believe they are entitled to control and will frame any loss of control as being victimized.
    • There is a critical difference between hurt and harm, discomfort and trauma — learning to distinguish them is one of the most important relational skills you can develop.
    • If you're asking this question, you're probably not the problem — the very fact that you pause to reflect is a strong signal that you've experienced real harm, not that you're the one causing it.
    • Victim mentality is rooted in developmental trauma — it gets passed down through families and is a signal that healing and support are needed, not shame.

    Resources Mentioned

    Learn more about secure parenting:

    https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

    Connect with Eli:


    Music by Gold Child:

    https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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  8. #38 How to Deal with Raising Conscious Sons and Daughters in an Anxious and Chaotic World | With Dr. Shefali Tsabary

    33 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 38

    Dr. Shefali Tsabary, Columbia-trained clinical psychologist and multiple NYT bestselling author, joins Eli to discuss her groundbreaking new companion books: Raising Conscious Sons and Raising Conscious …

    Shownotes

    Dr. Shefali Tsabary, Columbia-trained clinical psychologist and multiple NYT bestselling author, joins Eli to discuss her groundbreaking new companion books: Raising Conscious Sons and Raising Conscious Daughters.

    Together they unpack the unique, gender-specific wounds our children carry — and what conscious parents can do to protect and restore their children's authentic selves.

    Key Takeaways
    • Boys can only become empathic and vulnerable when they are first allowed to accept their own imperfections — teaching "limitlessness" is actually a disservice.
    • The father wound is often invisible: a father can be physically present but emotionally sealed off, and boys feel that absence in their bodies.
    • Mothers who over-function out of anxiety unintentionally send their sons the message that they are not trusted or capable — step back and allow wide spaces for exploration.
    • The 7 Pillars for Conscious Sons: Regulation, Competence, Vulnerability, Sovereignty, Sexuality and Power, Belonging, and Conscious Masculinity.
    • The 7 Pillars for Conscious Daughters: Voice, Embodiment, Enoughness, Anti-Fragility, Boundaries, Self-Authorship, and Sisterhood.
    • Appropriate developmental exposure is itself a form of protection — gradually increasing challenges builds resilience.
    • Toxic femininity — self-abandonment, poor boundaries, passivity — is just as real as toxic masculinity, and daughters need to be taught the difference between authentic femininity and its distorted form.
    • Parentified daughters — praised for being "mature" — are actually losing their sense of self long before their nervous systems are ready.
    • Connection is the most powerful form of protection we can give our children (Eli Harwood).

    About the Guest

    Dr. Shefali Tsabary is a Columbia-trained clinical psychologist, founder of the Conscious Parenting movement, and multiple New York Times bestselling author whose work has been called "revolutionary" by Oprah Winfrey. Her new companion books, Raising Conscious Sons and Raising Conscious Daughters, release September 15, 2026.


    Resources MentionedDr. Shefali's New Books
    Eli's Book
    Research & Studies Referenced
    Organizations Mentioned

    Learn more about secure parenting:

    https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

    Connect with Eli:


    Music by Gold Child:

    https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

  9. #37 How to Feel Worthy | With Dr. Marisa G. Franco

    30 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 37

    What if feeling unworthy isn't a flaw — it's a memory? In this deeply moving episode, Eli sits down with NYT bestselling psychologist Dr. Marisa G. Franco to unpack the science of self-worth: where it comes …

    Shownotes

    What if feeling unworthy isn't a flaw — it's a memory? In this deeply moving episode, Eli sits down with NYT bestselling psychologist Dr. Marisa G. Franco to unpack the science of self-worth: where it comes from, why it gets stuck, and how you can actually change it. From memory reconsolidation and inner child healing to attunement, identity, and the power of community, this conversation is a must-listen for anyone breaking generational cycles.

    Key Takeaways

    • Worthiness = treating your internal world as if it matters. It's not about feeling superior — it's about validating your feelings and using them as information.

    • There are two types of high self-esteem. One comes at others' expense (grandiosity). The other — "Type C" — is compassionate, connected, and the kind worth building.

    • Memories are the database of self-esteem. They don't just record the past — they predict the future. That's why compliments feel threatening and success feels suspicious when we feel unworthy.

    • You can change the past — at the neural level. Memory reconsolidation research shows that revisiting painful memories and picturing a different outcome literally changes how those memories live in your brain, including in the hippocampus.

    • Stigma shows up as self-surveillance. People from marginalized groups often begin to see themselves through the negative lens of others — and the antidote is curating community and media that reflect more positive, affirming identities.

    • Attunement is the master skill. Listening deeply to yourself, your children, and your relationships — and allowing multiple realities to coexist — is the foundation of both worthiness and connection.

    • You don't have to feel worthy to be worthy. Worth is inherent. Self-worth is the felt sense of it — and that can be developed, no matter where you're starting from.

    About the Guest

    Dr. Marisa G. Franco is a psychologist, professor at the University of Maryland, TED speaker, and NYT bestselling author. Her new book Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment explores the cutting-edge science of memory, stigma, and identity to help readers build lasting self-worth from the inside out. She is also the author of the instant NYT bestseller Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends.

    • 🌐 Website: drmarisagfranco.com: https://drmarisagfranco.com

    • 📸 Instagram: @drmarisagfranco: https://www.instagram.com/drmarisagfranco/

    • 📬 Substack: Attached by Dr. Marisa G. Franco: https://drmarisagfranco.substack.com/

    Resources Mentioned

    • 📘 Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment by Dr. Marisa G. Franco

    ◦ Publisher (Penguin Random House): https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/784327/worth-by-marisa-g-franco-phd/

    ◦ Amazon (Audiobook): https://www.amazon.com/Worth-Science-Self-Esteem-Secure-Attachment/dp/B0GGNPKM6S

    • 📘 Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends by Dr. Marisa G. Franco

    ◦ Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Platonic-Science-Attachment-Make-Keep-Friends/dp/0593331893

    • 📘 Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison (referenced in discussion of stigma and self-perception)

    ◦ Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Invisible-Man-Novel-Ralph-Ellison/dp/0375507914

    • 📘 Entangled Life: How Fungi Make Our Worlds, Change Our Minds & Shape Our Futures by Merlin Sheldrake (referenced in discussion of humans as ecologies, not individuals)

    ◦ Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Entangled-Life-Fungi-Worlds-Futures/dp/0525510311

    • 🔬 Memory Reconsolidation Research (the neuroscience of updating emotional memories)

    ◦ Springer: How Memory Reconsolidation Advances Psychotherapy: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10615-020-00754-z

    ◦ NIH: Reconsolidation Therapies for PTSD (Systematic Review): https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8417130/

    Connect

    Learn more about secure parenting:

    https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

    Connect with Eli:

    • Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/

    • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/

    • TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd

    Music by Gold Child:

    https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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  10. #36 How to Deal with The Mental Load | With Eve Rodsky

    39 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 36

    Eli sits down with Eve Rodsky — Harvard-trained lawyer, NYT bestselling author, and founder of the Fair Play movement — to dig into the invisible crisis hiding in most partnerships: the unequal mental load.From …

    Shownotes

    Eli sits down with Eve Rodsky — Harvard-trained lawyer, NYT bestselling author, and founder of the Fair Play movement — to dig into the invisible crisis hiding in most partnerships: the unequal mental load.

    From the blueberries text that changed everything to a card system now translated into 27 languages, Eve shares why fairness in the home isn't just a relationship issue — it's a systemic one.

    This is a must-listen for anyone who has ever thought, "Why am I the only one who notices what needs to be done?"

    Key Takeaways
    • The mental load gap is not personal — it's structural. Women shoulder two-thirds or more of unpaid domestic labor, and even the best-intentioned partners do 5–15 hours less per week once kids arrive.
    • Over-functioning is a symptom of broken accountability and trust, not a personality flaw.
    • The CPE model (Conception → Planning → Execution) explains why "going to the store" is only one-third of the work — and why standards aren't "too high" when you own the full task.
    • Toxic time messages ("I should just do it myself," "I don't have bandwidth to teach him") keep women stuck in the cycle.
    • The Fair Play system works for neurodivergent families too — because it's a system, not a reliance on internal motivation.
    • The magic of parenting lives in the mundane moments. Sharing the load invites your partner into those moments — it's a gift, not a punishment.
    • Fairness requires fighting — against cultural norms, school systems, extended family patterns, and the pay gap. Becoming a "cultural warrior" together is the goal.

    About the Guest

    Eve Rodsky is a Harvard-trained lawyer, organizational management expert, and NYT bestselling author of Fair Play. After sobbing on the side of the road over a text from her husband about blueberries, she spent 15 years researching the gendered division of labor across 27+ countries. Her work has evolved into a full movement, a nonprofit policy institute, and a card deck used by couples worldwide.


    Resources Mentioned

    Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

    Connect with Eli:


    Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

  11. #35 How to Deal with Rejection Sensitivity | With Dr. Sasha Hamdin

    28 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 35

    Eli sits down with board-certified psychiatrist and ADHD specialist Dr. Sasha Hamdani to unpack one of the most misunderstood emotional experiences: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). Together they explore …

    Shownotes

    Eli sits down with board-certified psychiatrist and ADHD specialist Dr. Sasha Hamdani to unpack one of the most misunderstood emotional experiences: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). Together they explore the neuroscience behind why some of us feel rejection so intensely — and why that sensitivity might actually be a gift. Dr. Hamdani also shares personal stories and practical tools from her upcoming book, Too Sensitive: Rejection, Resilience, and the Science of Feeling Deeply.

    Key Takeaways
    • RSD is not a personality flaw — it's a neurological response rooted in how your brain is wired, involving amygdala hyperactivity, dopamine dysregulation, and weaker prefrontal override.
    • Sensitivity has roots in multiple places: genetics, attachment history, identity-based rejection (racism, homophobia, misogyny), and hormonal fluctuations all play a role.
    • Emotional sensitivity ≠ weakness. When paired with the right tools, it becomes emotional intelligence — a true superpower in relationships and caregiving.
    • Your body tells you what you're feeling before your brain catches up. Learning where RSD lands in your body (chest, stomach, head) is the critical first step.
    • Movement is a powerful acute tool for interrupting RSD spirals — it pushes oxygenated glucose to the frontal lobe to help override the emotional response.
    • Attachment styles shape how we cope with RSD: some people cling, some flee — both are adaptations, not character defects.
    • Making more noise about RSD matters — it's not yet a formal DSM diagnosis, but clinical advocates like Dr. Hamdani are working to change that.

    About the Guest

    Dr. Sasha Hamdani, MD is a board-certified psychiatrist and ADHD clinical expert specializing in RSD and emotional regulation. She reaches over 2 million followers across social media with evidence-backed mental health content, and has been recognized by Harvard as a public health leader. She is the creator of the FocusGenie ADHD management app and the author of Self-Care for People with ADHD (2023). Her groundbreaking new book, Too Sensitive: Rejection, Resilience, and the Science of Feeling Deeply, publishes August 25, 2026.


    Resources Mentioned
    Connect

    Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

    Connect with Eli:


    Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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  12. #34 Teaching Kids Self-Trust in a Manipulative World | With Dr Naaila Chagani

    26 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 34

    In this episode, Eli sits down with Dr. Naaila Chagani (Hudani), a child development specialist with a PhD from Tufts University, to explore the concept of "heart safety" — teaching children that their inner …

    Shownotes

    In this episode, Eli sits down with Dr. Naaila Chagani (Hudani), a child development specialist with a PhD from Tufts University, to explore the concept of "heart safety" — teaching children that their inner emotional world belongs to them and cannot be rearranged by someone else.

    Drawing from both personal lived experience as a bonus mom and rigorous research, Dr. Naaila shares a compassionate, nuanced framework for helping kids recognize emotionally manipulative behaviors, trust their own instincts, and stay safe — without having to sever love from protection.

    Key Takeaways
    • Heart safety is as important as body safety. Just as we teach kids "your body belongs to you," we need to teach them their inner world — feelings, perceptions, sense of self — belongs to them too.
    • Manipulation exists on a spectrum. From a tired parent saying "you're fine" to genuinely harmful conditional love — many behaviors, unintentionally or not, ask a child to ignore what they feel.
    • Fear and discernment are opposites. A frightened child freezes or fawns. A discerning child notices something feels off and trusts that noticing. That trust is the goal.
    • Children turn confusion inward as self-blame. When something feels off but no one names it, kids often conclude they did something wrong — a wound that follows them into adulthood.
    • The DARVO pattern (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender) is used by highly manipulative people, and it's important for kids to know they may not always be safe to speak up directly.
    • Don't label the other parent — name the behavior's impact. Help children notice what doesn't feel good without putting the burden of intent analysis on them.
    • The loyalty bind is real. Children in high-conflict co-parenting situations often gravitate toward the more manipulative parent to stay safe — making unconditional love from the safe parent even more essential.
    • Start young. You can begin conversations about emotions, what feels good and what doesn't, as early as 18 months to 2 years old.
    • Kids are allowed to say whatever keeps them safe in the moment. They can debrief and process with a safe adult after.

    About the Guest

    Dr. Naaila Chagani (Hudani) is an applied developmental scientist with a Ph.D. in Child Study and Human Development from Tufts University. She specializes in the role adults play in positive youth development and helps parents navigate high-conflict and toxic co-parenting situations. She is also a bonus mom, and her personal experience navigating a manipulative co-parenting dynamic is the foundation of her work.


    Resources Mentioned
    • 📗 Seeds of Self-Trust by Dr. Naaila Chagani (Hudani) — seedsofselftrust.com — 25 read-aloud stories for children ages 4–8 on recognizing emotionally manipulative dynamics
    • 🏫 Making Caring Common — Dr. Rick Weissbourd's project at the Harvard Graduate School of Education on raising empathetic, ethical children — mcc.gse.harvard.edu
    • 👤 Dr. Richard Weissbourd — Senior Lecturer & Faculty Director, Making Caring Common, Harvard GSE — Faculty Profile
    • 📕 Street Smarts: Trust Your Instincts, Outsmart Danger, and Stay Safe in a World That Isn't by Dannah Eve — includes the "Lie to Survive" framework — Amazon
    • 🔐 Secure Parenting Program by Eli — attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program
    • 📖 The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz — Referenced in conversation ("Don't take it personally") — Amazon

    Connect with Eli

    Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

    Connect with Eli:


    Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

  13. #33 Nerd Notes | Co-Regulating with Our Neurodivergent Children

    22 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 33

    In this solo episode, Eli Harwood (the Attachment Nerd) unpacks one of the most misunderstood intersections in modern parenting: raising a neurodivergent child while trying to break generational cycles. With …

    Shownotes

    In this solo episode, Eli Harwood (the Attachment Nerd) unpacks one of the most misunderstood intersections in modern parenting: raising a neurodivergent child while trying to break generational cycles. With personal stories from parenting her own AuDHD daughter, Eli walks through the full sensory landscape — including the three "hidden" senses — and explains how to adapt secure attachment practices to meet your neurodiverse child where they actually are.

    Key Takeaways
    • Neurodivergent kids experience the world through a different sensory prism — not just the classic 5 senses, but also neuroception, interoception, and proprioception. Understanding which senses your child is over- or under-sensitive to changes everything about how you approach their meltdowns.
    • Empathy that works for neurotypical kids can amplify distress in neurodivergent kids. When a neurodivergent child is already flooded across multiple sensory systems, offering big gooey empathy can escalate — not soothe — their dysregulation.
    • Accommodation is not permissive parenting. Adjusting your child's environment to match their nervous system's needs is scaffolding, not weakness. The goal is gradual growth at the stage they can handle it.
    • Believe them. If your child says the lights are too bright, the smell is too strong, or the touch is too much — believe them. Their nervous system is telling the truth, even if it doesn't match your experience.
    • Community is a survival tool. Parenting a neurodivergent child requires more regulation, more support, and more stamina than neurotypical parenting — and you cannot generate that alone.
    • Secure attachment with a neurodivergent child looks different. A child running to their cozy corner instead of into your arms is not rejecting you — it's their nervous system seeking the regulation it needs. Your job is to follow slowly and ask what they need.

    Resources Mentioned

    Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

    Connect with Eli:


    Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

  14. #32 How to Deal with a Spicy One | With Mary Van Geffen

    41 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 32

    Episode SummaryEli sits down with international parenting coach and author Mary Van Geffen to talk about raising "spicy ones" — those intense, strong-willed, wonderfully complex children who need more than most …

    Shownotes
    Episode Summary

    Eli sits down with international parenting coach and author Mary Van Geffen to talk about raising "spicy ones" — those intense, strong-willed, wonderfully complex children who need more than most parenting books can offer. Together they unpack what it means to be the parent of a spicy child, how our own childhood wounds get triggered by these kids, and what it actually looks like in the messy, real moments to stay regulated and connected.

    Key Takeaways
    • A "spicy one" is a child who is more loyal to their own soul than to your adult agenda — and that's actually a gift, not a defect.
    • Our spicy, strong-willed children are heat-seeking hovercrafts for whatever is unhealed inside of us.
    • You cannot regulate a threat — if your nervous system reads your child as danger, you must build your own capacity first.
    • During a violent meltdown: be the calmest person in the room, use your body not your words, and create a physically safe environment.
    • Playfulness — not threats, not logic — is often the fastest route back from the edge of dysregulation.
    • Your child's emotional intensity is not premeditated aggression; it is an "emotional seizure" they are also helpless to.
    • Stop making your spicy child "digestible" to others. Your job is to make them feel unconditionally and wholly loved.
    • Accepting how your child connects (not how you wish they would) is one of the most loving things you can do.
    • We need to live in hope, not fear, with our spicy ones — the script we write for them shapes their future.
    • The qualities we find hardest to manage in our children are often the very things we were shamed for in ourselves.

    About the Guest

    Mary Van Geffen is an international parenting coach for Moms of Spicy Ones® and a Spicy One herself. She is a certified Simplicity Parenting Counselor® and Professional Co-Active Coach® who has transformed the lives of over 8,000 families through her group coaching and on-demand digital courses. Her new book, Parenting a Spicy One, is a compassionate guide for raising deep-feeling, wonderfully strong-willed kids.


    Resources MentionedBooks
    • 📗 Parenting a Spicy One by Mary Van Geffen — Amazon | Author's Site
    • 📘 Parenting by Connection (booklet series) by Patty Wipfler / Hand in Hand Parenting — Amazon
    • 📙 Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges by Patty Wipfler — Amazon
    • 📕 Yesteryear by Caro Claire Burke (mentioned in passing) — Amazon
    • 📗 Vera Wong's Unsolicited Advice for Murderers by Jesse Q. Sutanto (mentioned in passing) — Amazon

    Research

    Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

    Connect with Eli:


    Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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  15. #31 How To Use Play To Set Limits and Boundaries | With Dr. Kim Van Dusen

    25 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 31

    How to Deal with Parenting Through Play | Dr. Kim Van DusenEpisode SummaryWhat if the secret to fewer tantrums, less mealtime drama, and a deeper connection with your kids wasn't stricter rules — but more play? …

    Shownotes
    How to Deal with Parenting Through Play | Dr. Kim Van DusenEpisode Summary

    What if the secret to fewer tantrums, less mealtime drama, and a deeper connection with your kids wasn't stricter rules — but more play? In this episode, Eli sits down with Dr. Kim Van Dusen, PsyD, licensed marriage and family therapist and registered play therapist known as The Parentologist, to talk about how to weave playfulness into the everyday moments of parenting — even if you don't think you have a playful bone in your body. From gamifying chores to helping traumatized children feel safe, Dr. Kim shows us that play is the universal language of childhood, and learning to speak it changes everything.

    Key Takeaways
    • You don't have to sit on the floor for 30 minutes to be a playful parent. Dr. Kim calls them "playful pockets of time" — small, creative moments woven throughout the day (swapping a fork for tongs, cutting a sandwich into a fun shape) that shift the entire energy of parenting.
    • Gamifying works. From racing to make the bed to "freeze clean" during chores, turning tasks into games eliminates power struggles and gets the job done — without the drama.
    • Play is the language of children, especially those who have experienced trauma. When kids can't (or won't) speak about their pain, drawing, playing, and creating tells the story instead — and your job is to listen to the play.
    • Safety and trust come before play with kids from hard places. If a child doesn't feel safe, they won't connect — and connection must come before cooperation.
    • Picky eating is a sensory experience. Research shows it can take up to 8–24 exposures before a child accepts a new food. Changing the texture, presentation, or even the serving vessel (hello, dump truck plate!) is exposure therapy in disguise.
    • Outcomes vs. Consequences: Dr. Kim prefers the word "outcomes" because it removes the punitive connotation. Natural outcomes, do-overs, and choice-giving are more effective — and less stressful — than punishment.
    • Structure is nurture's best friend. Playfulness and limits work together. Kids need both deep connection AND predictable boundaries to feel truly secure.

    About the Guest

    Dr. Kim Van Dusen, PsyD, LMFT, RPT — known as The Parentologist — is a licensed marriage and family therapist, registered play therapist, university professor, and mom of two based in Southern California. With nearly 25 years of experience, she helps parents transform their relationships with their children by learning to speak the universal language of play. She is the author of Parenting Through Play and hosts The Parentologist Podcast.


    Resources Mentioned

    Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

    Connect with Eli:


    Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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  16. #30 How to Deal with Feeling | With Dr. Marc Brackett

    32 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 30

    Episode SummaryEli Harwood sits down with Dr. Marc Brackett — founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and bestselling author — to tackle one of modern parenting's biggest challenges: how …

    Shownotes
    Episode Summary

    Eli Harwood sits down with Dr. Marc Brackett — founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and bestselling author — to tackle one of modern parenting's biggest challenges: how do we raise emotionally intelligent kids when most of us never received an emotion education ourselves? Marc shares the science behind his RULER framework, why "there is no such thing as a bad emotion," and the practical strategies every parent needs to start using today.

    Key Takeaways
    • Accumulate emotion knowledge first. None of us got an "emotion education" growing up — reading research-backed books and resources is step one.
    • There is no such thing as a bad emotion. Giving your child permission to feel — including anxiety, anger, and sadness — is a radical and necessary first step.
    • Your go-to regulation strategies may not work for your child. Think of your role as setting a buffet of options, not telling your child what to eat.
    • Emotional granularity matters. The difference between "frustrated" and "disappointed" isn't semantic — naming the exact emotion helps regulate it.
    • 90% of negative self-talk was caught from other people. Gaslighting from caregivers in childhood becomes our inner critic as adults.
    • Your emotion regulation budget includes sleep, nutrition, and movement. Nine times out of ten, when a parent can't meet their own goals, poor sleep is the barrier.
    • Co-regulation requires non-judgment. What our kids are begging for, above all else, is a parent who won't judge them in the middle of big feelings.
    • Emotional intelligence is a lifelong practice — not something you master. Every day is a new opportunity.

    About the Guest

    Dr. Marc Brackett is the founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and a professor in the Child Study Center at Yale University. He is the author of the USA Today bestselling book Dealing with Feeling and the internationally bestselling Permission to Feel (translated into 27 languages). Marc is the lead developer of RULER, an evidence-based social-emotional learning framework adopted by over 5,000 schools worldwide. He also co-created the free How We Feel app with Pinterest co-founder Ben Silbermann.


    Resources MentionedBooks
    Tools & Apps
    • 📱 How We Feel App — Marc's free, science-based emotion-tracking and regulation app (iOS & Android)
    • 🎴 The Point of Connection Game — Marc's conversation card deck for building emotional connection with family and friends

    Frameworks & Research
    Connect with Marc Brackett
    Learn more about secure parenting:

    https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

    Connect with Eli:

    Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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  17. #29 How to Deal When Your Kids Are at Odds with Each Other | With Dr. Laura Markham

    32 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 29

    Episode SummaryIn this deeply personal and research-backed conversation, host Eli Harwood sits down with Dr. Laura Markham — clinical psychologist, bestselling author, and founder of PeacefulParentHappyKids.com …

    Shownotes
    Episode Summary

    In this deeply personal and research-backed conversation, host Eli Harwood sits down with Dr. Laura Markham — clinical psychologist, bestselling author, and founder of PeacefulParentHappyKids.com — to tackle one of the most exhausting realities of family life: sibling conflict. Together they explore what the research actually says about why siblings fight, what parents can do about it (and what they shouldn't), and how to raise kids who will genuinely like each other as adults. Eli even shares a real, unfiltered story from her own family — complete with onesies, a parking lot scene, and a sticker — and asks Dr. Laura to coach her through it live.

    Key Takeaways
    • The #1 predictor of sibling kindness is your relationship with each child. Research consistently shows the closer you are to each child individually, the less they fight with each other.
    • Discipline style shapes sibling behavior. When parents use power and force to solve problems, kids mirror that with each other. When parents model calm problem-solving, kids learn to do the same.
    • Inviolate one-on-one time matters more than grand gestures. A predictable, protected window of time with each child — even 20 minutes — gives kids the security to handle their siblings with more grace.
    • Pushing and shoving under age 6 is developmentally normal — it doesn't mean your parenting is failing. The prefrontal cortex won't be fully developed until the mid-20s, and meaningful impulse control takes years to build.
    • Positive interactions are the long game. Research shows that what adults remember about their sibling relationships is not the conflict — it's the fun they had together. Protect and prioritize play.
    • Kids need scripts, not just correction. When you give children the actual words to say ("I was still using that — can I have it back?"), they learn to use them, often faster than you'd expect.
    • Parent leadership reduces sibling rivalry. When parents step in to create systems and structures (like a calendar for mom nights), kids don't have to fight for position.
    • Talking about neurodivergence with siblings requires validation, not minimizing. Acknowledge what's hard for each child without making either child responsible for managing the other's feelings.

    About the Guest

    Dr. Laura Markham is a clinical psychologist trained at Columbia University, bestselling author, and one of the most trusted voices in parenting today. She is the founder of PeacefulParentHappyKids.com — a free resource with over 1,000 pages of parenting guidance — and the author of three books translated into more than 27 languages.


    Resources Mentioned
    • 📗 Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings by Dr. Laura Markham Amazon | Publisher Page
    • 📘 Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham Amazon | Publisher Page
    • 📙 Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish Amazon
    • 🏫 Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development at TCU (Trust-Based Relational Intervention / TBRI) child.tcu.edu Dr. Karen Purvis coined the phrase "Families that play together, stay together" and developed TBRI, a research-based model for supporting children impacted by trauma.

    Connect

    Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

    Connect with Eli:


    Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

  18. #28 How to Be Honest about Motherhood | With Libby Ward

    23 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 28

    Episode SummaryEli sits down with Libby Ward — writer, speaker, and author of Honest Motherhood: On Losing My Mind and Finding Myself — for a deeply honest conversation about what it costs mothers when they …

    Shownotes
    Episode Summary

    Eli sits down with Libby Ward — writer, speaker, and author of Honest Motherhood: On Losing My Mind and Finding Myself — for a deeply honest conversation about what it costs mothers when they sacrifice themselves completely. Together they explore the myth of selfless motherhood, the reality of generational trauma, and why radical honesty — with yourself first — is where real change begins.

    Key Takeaways
    • You were never meant to do this alone. Human beings evolved in community, not nuclear family isolation. The loneliness of modern motherhood isn't a personal failing — it's a structural problem.
    • Selflessness isn't the antidote to a selfish upbringing. Martyrdom doesn't protect your kids — it burdens them. Your children don't need a shell of you; they need you.
    • Shame keeps us stuck. When we don't hear other mothers' real experiences, we assume we're the only ones struggling — and that shame makes it impossible to look honestly at what's actually happening.
    • Generational trauma gets passed down until someone is ready to feel it. That someone might be you — and that is a gift, not a curse.
    • Radical honesty starts with yourself, not the internet. Getting honest about your actual life — your nervous system, your capacity, your support system — is what gives you the freedom to make choices that actually fit your reality.
    • Going no contact isn't the only option, and it isn't permanent. Separation can be a necessary step to find yourself before you can figure out what a relationship actually looks like.
    • People-pleasing is an addiction. And like any addiction, recovery starts with honesty and the belief that you are worthy of reciprocal relationships.
    • Your kids need you to be a whole person, not a perfect one. Modeling what it looks like to prioritize yourself teaches your children how they deserve to be treated in their own relationships.

    About the Guest

    Libby Ward is a writer, speaker, and advocate redefining the motherhood narrative. Known for her honesty, humor, and relatable voice, Libby reaches millions of women each week through her social media platforms. She has been featured on the BBC, Good Morning America, and is a member of Reese Witherspoon's inaugural Hello Sunshine Collective. Her debut memoir, Honest Motherhood: On Losing My Mind and Finding Myself, is out now.


    Resources Mentioned
    Ready to Go Deeper?

    If this conversation resonated with you and you're ready to break your own cycles and show up more securely for your kids, check out Eli's Secure Parenting Program — a therapist-led, pay-what-you-can program grounded in 70+ years of attachment research.

    👉 Join the Secure Parenting Program

    Connect with Eli:


    Music by Gold Child: goldchildmusic.com

  19. #27 Navigating Marriage in the Parenting Years | With Eli Weinstein

    25 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 27

    Episode SummaryTherapist, author, and host of The Dude Therapist podcast Eli Weinstein, LCSW joins the show to talk about one of the hardest (and least talked about) relationship challenges: staying connected …

    Shownotes
    Episode Summary

    Therapist, author, and host of The Dude Therapist podcast Eli Weinstein, LCSW joins the show to talk about one of the hardest (and least talked about) relationship challenges: staying connected to your partner while you're deep in the trenches of parenthood. Eli brings his signature no-BS warmth and humor to share real, actionable tools — including the "First On Scene" rule, the Huddle tactic, and how to tackle the invisible mental load — all drawn from his new book From I Do to We Do.

    Key Takeaways
    • Take a pause before you take it out on your partner. When you're dysregulated in a parenting moment, step away for 2–5 minutes before engaging. Your kids will still be screaming — but your brain will be in a better place.
    • The "First On Scene" rule. Whoever arrives first to handle a situation becomes the lead. Their way goes — as long as it's not dangerous. This eliminates power struggles and toe-stepping between partners.
    • Make the mental load visible. Write down everything on your mental plate, sit with your partner, and ask (not demand): "Is there anything on this list you can take?" Let go enough to actually hand it over.
    • Anticipation is the secret sauce. The partner NOT holding the mental load should proactively look ahead and ask, "What can I take off your plate this week?" — before being asked.
    • Microdose your relationship with sweetness. Small daily rituals — a special phrase at bedtime, a little physical affection, a note — are the glue that holds couples together during chaos.
    • It's us vs. the chaos, not us vs. each other. Use Eli's "Huddle" technique: check in on each other's energy, divide the game plan, and face the problem as a united front — not as opponents.
    • Play to your strengths. Divide household labor based on what actually works for each person's brain, preferences, and neuroses — not rigid gender roles.

    About the Guest

    Eli Weinstein, LCSW is a licensed clinical therapist, international speaker, and host of The Dude Therapist podcast. His debut book, From I Do to We Do: Navigating Marriage in the Parenting Years (Wiley/Jossey-Bass, 2026), is the guide he wishes he had when he became a dad — covering everything from the mental load to conflict resolution to keeping intimacy alive. He's appeared on The Kelly Clarkson Show and been featured in Psychology Today and across 300+ podcasts.


    Resources Mentioned

    Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

    Connect with Eli:


    Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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  20. #26 How to Deal with Sex Talks | With Kimberly Wolf

    33 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 26

    Episode SummaryIn this episode, Eli sits down with sex educator and Harvard-trained expert Kimberly Wolf to tackle one of the most anxiety-producing topics in parenting: talking to your kids about sex, bodies …

    Shownotes
    Episode Summary

    In this episode, Eli sits down with sex educator and Harvard-trained expert Kimberly Wolf to tackle one of the most anxiety-producing topics in parenting: talking to your kids about sex, bodies, and healthy relationships. Kimberly brings a practical, shame-free, and deeply reassuring framework for parents at every stage — from toddlers to teens — with one clear message: you don't have to have all the answers. You just have to show up.

    Key Takeaways
    • Start with safety and practicality. Framing sex education around safety takes the emotional charge out of it — for parents and kids. Even a 4-year-old can understand, "Nobody touches your body without permission."
    • These are ongoing conversations, not one big talk. Replace the idea of "the talk" with a lifelong, open dialogue. Small moments build the foundation for big ones.
    • You don't need all the answers. Saying "That's a great question — let me find out" signals to your child that you can handle this topic, and that they can come to you.
    • Parents are more influential than the media — but only if they show up. Research consistently shows parents outrank peers and media in influencing teen decisions about sex, but only when they actively engage.
    • Pornography is shaping kids' understanding of intimacy. It normalizes harmful power dynamics and reaches kids through mainstream media, not just explicit sites. Media literacy is a must.
    • Teach what love feels like. Help kids build an internal compass for healthy relationships — safety, respect, and being heard — so they can recognize when something feels off.
    • Time-binding awkward conversations is a pro communication tool. Saying "I need one minute — bear with me" is a real-world skill your child will use in their own relationships someday.
    • If you feel like a loser with your teenager, you're probably winning. They hear you, even when they don't show it.

    About the Guest

    Kimberly Wolf, M.Ed. is a leading sex educator, speaker, curricular consultant, and parenting strategist. She holds an undergraduate degree in gender studies from Brown University and a master's in human development and psychology from the Harvard Graduate School of Education. She teaches in schools across the country, offers online courses for parents, and provides private coaching. She is also the author of Talk with Her: A Dad's Essential Guide to Raising Healthy, Confident, and Capable Daughters.

    🎟️ Listener Discount: Use code SECURE at checkout on Kimberly's website for a discount on her courses.


    Resources Mentioned
    Connect with Eli & the Show

    Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

    Connect with Eli:


    Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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  21. #25 How to Deal with Feeling Disconnected from Your Sweetheart | With Morgan Burch

    38 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 25

    Episode SummaryRelationship coach Morgan Burch joins Eli to unpack one of the most common — and most painful — dynamics in modern partnerships: the moment you need your partner most is exactly when neither of …

    Shownotes
    Episode Summary

    Relationship coach Morgan Burch joins Eli to unpack one of the most common — and most painful — dynamics in modern partnerships: the moment you need your partner most is exactly when neither of you has anything left to give. Together, they explore the "hero child" wound, why co-regulation matters more than date nights, and practical tools like the Mirror Game and the DIC Talk that can transform conflict into genuine connection.

    Key Takeaways
    • The Parenthood Paradox: Both partners have less to give at the exact moment they long for more from each other — recognizing this cycle is the first step to breaking it.
    • Microdosing Connection: You don't need a weekend away. Fifteen minutes on the couch with no phones can rebuild safety, trust, and closeness faster than any grand gesture.
    • Co-regulation requires self-regulation first: When you feel the urge to blame your partner, that's a signal you're overwhelmed — regulate yourself before attempting to reconnect.
    • The Hero Child wound: If you grew up parentified or as the "fixer," your nervous system learned that doing more = being loved. Unlearning that pattern is the key to real intimacy.
    • The Mirror Game: Reflective listening — hearing, naming, and validating your partner's feelings without fixing or advising — is one of the most healing things you can do in a relationship.
    • The DIC Talk (Dream, Invitation, Collaborate): Instead of issuing demands or keeping score, share a vulnerable dream, invite your partner in, and build a solution together.
    • Responsibility Dysmorphia: Taking on a distorted sense of responsibility is a childhood survival strategy — noticing it is the first step to releasing it.
    • Seeing yourself clearly = seeing unsafe relationships clearly: When you practice self-acceptance and self-care, the gap between how you treat yourself and how an unsafe partner treats you becomes impossible to ignore.

    About the Guest

    Morgan Burch is a relationship coach and creator of The SEEN Method® — a framework built on the belief that beneath every conflict lies one of four things: something someone was scared of, embarrassed about, expecting, or a need that went unmet. She helps couples and individuals stop coping and start connecting, and has reached millions through her viral content and private coaching practice.


    Resources Mentioned

    Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

    Connect with Eli:


    Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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  22. #24 How to Deal with Raising Secure Digital Citizens | With Jessical Joelle Alexander

    25 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 24

    Episode SummaryIn this episode, Eli sits down with Danish parenting expert and bestselling author Jessica Joelle Alexander to tackle one of the most pressing questions facing parents today: how do we raise kids …

    Shownotes
    Episode Summary

    In this episode, Eli sits down with Danish parenting expert and bestselling author Jessica Joelle Alexander to tackle one of the most pressing questions facing parents today: how do we raise kids who are safe, healthy, and confident in the digital world — without resorting to fear, shame, or oversimplification? Jessica shares the Danish philosophy behind her work, the story of how she created the Raising Digital Citizens conversation cards, and why connection — not restriction — is the real key to protecting our kids online.

    Key Takeaways
    • The digital world is a real world. Kids experience belonging, friendship, and identity online just as they do in person. Dismissing that reality puts distance between you and your child.
    • Giving a child a phone is like handing them car keys. Preparation, conversation, and a co-created agreement matter far more than the age at which you hand it over.
    • Denmark's education system tests for trivsel (well-being/happiness) — not just academics — because if kids don't feel well, they can't learn well. This philosophy extends to digital life.
    • The most dangerous place for a child online is to feel alone. When kids fear losing their phone or getting in trouble, they won't come to you. Building trust is the ultimate protection.
    • Reframing is everything. Instead of only focusing on the risks of technology, help your kids build a positive digital storyline — creative projects, businesses, fundraisers, and skills are all born online.
    • Fear-based parenting around screens creates the same risk as avoiding conversations about puberty or sex — it leaves kids under-equipped when they inevitably encounter hard situations.
    • Our language trickles down to our kids. When parents shame screen use, kids weaponize it against each other (e.g., calling peers "iPad kids"). We can model nuance and empathy instead.
    • In the age of AI, human skills matter more than ever — and the relationship between parent and child is the foundation of it all.

    About the Guest

    Jessica Joelle Alexander is a bestselling author, internationally recognized Danish parenting and education expert, cultural researcher, and co-founder of Raising Digital Citizens. Her book The Danish Way of Parenting has been published in over 35 countries and is one of the most widely sold parenting books in the world. She teaches at the University of Copenhagen and her work has been featured in The New York Times, BBC World News, TIME, The Wall Street Journal, and more.


    Resources Mentioned
    • 🃏 Raising Digital Citizens Conversation Cards — The toolkit Jessica created to help families have meaningful, age-appropriate conversations about digital life. Co-created with psychologists and rooted in Danish digital citizenship education. 👉 raisingdigitalcitizens.com
    • 📖 The Danish Way of Parenting by Jessica Joelle Alexander & Iben Dissing Sandahl — The global bestseller that unpacks the parenting philosophy behind why Denmark consistently ranks as one of the happiest countries on earth. 👉 Amazon | Penguin Random House
    • 📖 The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt — The #1 New York Times bestseller examining the collapse of youth mental health in the smartphone era, mentioned in the context of the current fear-based conversation around kids and tech. 👉 Amazon
    • 🏢 Common Sense Media — Nonprofit organization providing families and educators with trusted media ratings, digital citizenship curriculum, and research on kids and technology. Jessica attended a recent conference with them in Copenhagen. 👉 commonsensemedia.org
    • 🎮 Ash Brandon (Gamer Educator) — Mentioned as a nuanced voice on the skills and benefits kids develop through gaming.

    Connect with Eli & the Show

    Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

    Connect with Eli:


    Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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  23. #23 Wired for Connection — 50 Years of Attachment Research with Dr. Alan Sroufe

    45 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 23

    Episode SummaryIn this episode, host Eli Harwood sits down with Dr. L. Alan Sroufe — Professor Emeritus at the University of Minnesota and lead researcher of the landmark Minnesota Longitudinal Study of Risk …

    Shownotes
    Episode Summary

    In this episode, host Eli Harwood sits down with Dr. L. Alan Sroufe — Professor Emeritus at the University of Minnesota and lead researcher of the landmark Minnesota Longitudinal Study of Risk and Adaptation — to unpack over 50 years of groundbreaking research on how early relationships shape who we become. From the origins of secure attachment to the surprising durability of worldviews formed in childhood, this conversation is a masterclass in what actually matters in parenting — and what doesn't. Dr. Sroufe also shares details on his new book The Development and Organization of Meaning, co-authored with his wife, June Sroufe.

    Key Takeaways
    • Secure attachment means confidence, not closeness. Dr. Sroufe redefines secure attachment as a child's confident belief that their caregiver will be there — not how physically close they are kept.
    • The best predictor of empathy is having received empathic care. You can't tell your child to be empathic — you have to show them through your own responsiveness.
    • Early experience matters enormously — but it is not destiny. The Minnesota Study showed that both continuity and change are possible. Protective factors at any stage of life can shift the developmental trajectory.
    • Worldviews formed in infancy shape how children interpret ambiguous situations. Kids with secure histories tend to assume accidents were accidental and people are helpful; kids with insecure histories may assume hostility where none exists.
    • Peer relationships are critical labs for learning conflict resolution. Children learn things in peer relationships they simply cannot learn from parents — because peers are equals.
    • Resilience is a developmental achievement, not a trait. It is not something you're born with and it's not permanent — it is built through experience and relationships over time.
    • "Good enough" parenting is real and validated by data. The Minnesota Study was surprised by how many children from poverty were securely attached — even with only modestly sensitive parenting.
    • You don't need tricks. You need a mindset. Secure attachment is not a checklist of behaviors — it is a relational orientation of attunement and responsiveness.
    • Your child will teach you what they need. Pay attention to their cues — even a baby turning their head away is communicating something real.
    • All research is "me-search." Dr. Sroufe and Eli both reflect on how their own histories drew them to this work — and why that's a strength, not a weakness.

    About the Guest

    Dr. L. Alan Sroufe is Professor Emeritus of Child Psychology at the University of Minnesota Institute of Child Development and the lead researcher of the Minnesota Longitudinal Study of Risk and Adaptation — one of the most important and longest-running prospective studies of human development ever conducted, now spanning over 50 years. He is the author of A Compelling Idea and co-author (with his wife June Sroufe) of the new book The Development and Organization of Meaning: How Individual Worldviews Develop in Relationships.

    🔗 Connect with Dr. Sroufe on LinkedIn

    Resources MentionedBooks
    • 📖 The Development and Organization of Meaning: How Individual Worldviews Develop in Relationships — L. Alan Sroufe & June Sroufe Cambridge University Press | Amazon
    • 📖 A Compelling Idea: How We Become the Persons We Are — L. Alan Sroufe Amazon | Safer Society Press
    • 📖 How to Deal with Your Beep So Your Kids Don't Have To — Eli Harwood (coming soon — sign up at attachmentnerd.com for updates)

    Research & Organizations
    Connect with Eli

    Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

    Connect with Eli:


    Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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  24. #22 The Art and Science of Playful Parenting | With Mia Wisinski

    30 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 22

    Episode SummaryWhat if the secret to surviving modern parenting chaos was something you were already born knowing how to do — play? In this warm, funny, and genuinely useful conversation, Eli sits down with Mia …

    Shownotes
    Episode Summary

    What if the secret to surviving modern parenting chaos was something you were already born knowing how to do — play? In this warm, funny, and genuinely useful conversation, Eli sits down with Mia Wisinski, founder of Playful Heart Parenting, to explore how playfulness isn't just a "nice to have" — it's one of the most powerful tools we have for co-regulating our kids, building secure attachment, and staying sane ourselves. From silly power reversal games to what to do when you're about to lose it, Mia and Eli swap real-life strategies, honest confessions about their own "demand ruts," and a live round of the jingle game that you'll want to try at home tonight.

    Key Takeaways
    • Playfulness is innate — it just gets "weaned out" of us. Every parent has a playful side; life, culture, and stress just suppress it over time. The good news: it's still there, and your body will remember it when you re-enter playful contexts.
    • Power reversal is the magic key. Letting your kids have the power — pretending to be the confused parent, the butler, the butt-dragged-around-the-room adult — gives kids a sense of autonomy and defuses tension faster than demands ever will.
    • Play doesn't require a time block. The most effective playfulness is woven into ordinary moments: doing the voice of the laundry hamper, turning dish cleanup into a levitation trick, singing your way through a routine. You can be playful while doing what you're already doing.
    • When you're triggered, pause and self-assess first. Before trying to flip into play mode, check in with yourself — most of the time the edge you're feeling has nothing to do with your kids. A little self-compassion ("of course you feel this way") creates the space to pivot.
    • Singing activates the vagus nerve. When you sing instead of bark orders, you literally force a longer exhale and start to move yourself out of fight-or-flight — which makes play more accessible even on hard days.
    • Play can also be a recovery tool. After a hard season or a tough stretch, a silly improv game together is one of the most effective ways to come back to each other and remember what connection feels like.
    • Isolation makes playfulness harder. We were never meant to parent in isolation. If you're struggling to be playful, it might simply mean you need more community — friends, other parents, or even a social feed full of inspiration like Mia's.
    • Kids remember the little silly moments. The random everyday bits of playfulness — like a mom who sings every time she takes her pill — become core memories for children. You don't have to engineer magic moments; just stay present and silly in the small ones.

    About the Guest

    Mia Wisinski is the founder of Playful Heart Parenting, which she started in 2023 after realizing playfulness was the missing piece in her own parenting. A theater educator, performer, and songwriter, Mia helps families use playfulness as a powerful tool for parent-child regulation and secure attachment — making it easy, sustainable, and genuinely fun for tired parents.


    Resources Mentioned
    Learn more about secure parenting:

    https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

    Connect with Eli:

    Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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  25. #21 How to Deal with Trauma Triggers as a Parent | Nerd Notes with Eli

    20 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 21

    Episode SummaryIn this solo episode, Eli Harwood (The Attachment Nerd) takes a compassionate dive into trauma — what it actually is, how it gets lodged in our bodies, and most importantly, how we begin to move …

    Shownotes
    Episode Summary

    In this solo episode, Eli Harwood (The Attachment Nerd) takes a compassionate dive into trauma — what it actually is, how it gets lodged in our bodies, and most importantly, how we begin to move through it. Eli breaks down the difference between a true trauma trigger and a new event, shares a deeply personal parenting story about her own trauma response, and offers practical, accessible tools for healing — including the concept of "glimmers" and the power of body awareness.

    Key Takeaways
    • Trauma is personal. What feels traumatic to one person's nervous system may not to another's — and that's shaped by your wiring, lived history, and identity.
    • Eli's working definition of trauma: Any experience that creates a significant threat to your physical safety, your social belonging, or your sense of dignity and identity.
    • Trauma is more than the event. It's the event + your body's response + the narrative you build around both of those things.
    • Triggers vs. new events: A trigger is your nervous system misreading the present as the past. A new event is genuinely difficult — and you're allowed to recognize that difference.
    • Body memory is real. Your nervous system stores trauma as physical sensations — not just explicit memories — which is why healing requires body-based work, not just talking.
    • The "red berry" metaphor: Your brain tries to protect you by pattern-matching past threats — but it can misfire on your toddler's tantrum the same way it would on a real danger.
    • Healing practices matter. EMDR and Somatic Experiencing are two evidence-based modalities that work with the body to process trauma, not just the mind.
    • Glimmers are your anchor. The concept coined by Deb Dana — small, grounding moments of safety — can be intentionally cultivated to help rewire your nervous system toward regulation.
    • There is a safe grown-up in the room — and it's you. Looking at your hands, your age, your capabilities can help your body recognize you are no longer the child who was powerless.
    • Every day is a new day to rewrite your story and choose how you respond.

    About Eli Harwood

    Eli Harwood (aka The Attachment Nerd) is a licensed therapist with 19+ years of clinical experience, USA TODAY bestselling author, and founder of the Secure Parenting Program. She is on a mission to help make the world a better place, one attachment relationship at a time.


    Resources Mentioned📚 Books
    • Eli's New Book — How to Deal with Your ___ So Your Kids Don't Have To: View on Amazon
    • Eli Harwood — Raising Securely Attached Kids: View on Amazon
    • Eli Harwood — Securely Attached (workbook): View on Amazon
    • Deb Dana — The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy (where "glimmers" was coined): View on Amazon

    🧠 Therapy Modalities
    💡 Concepts
    Learn More About Secure Parenting

    https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

    Connect with Eli:


    Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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  26. #20 How to Deal with Sleep Stuff | With Rachael Shepard-Ohta from Hey, Sleepy Baby

    30 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 20

    Episode SummaryIn this episode, Eli Harwood sits down with Rachael Shepard-Ohta — founder of Hey, Sleepy Baby and host of the No One Told Us podcast — for an honest, research-grounded, and deeply human …

    Shownotes
    Episode Summary

    In this episode, Eli Harwood sits down with Rachael Shepard-Ohta — founder of Hey, Sleepy Baby and host of the No One Told Us podcast — for an honest, research-grounded, and deeply human conversation about infant and toddler sleep. Together, they dismantle the sleep training culture war, explore what science actually tells us about infant sleep variability, and offer practical, compassionate strategies for exhausted parents. No shame, no judgment — just real talk.

    Key Takeaways
    • Infant sleep is highly variable and non-linear. Research confirms that sleep does not simply get better week by week — it's a rollercoaster tied to rapid developmental milestones, and this is completely normal.
    • You are not doing it wrong. A regression or bad night is not a sign of parenting failure. It is often just a developmental phase to ride out.
    • The "sunset scaries" are real — and romanticizing your own nighttime routine (podcasts, face masks, fancy tea) can rewire your nervous system to look forward to the hard hours instead of dreading them.
    • Temperament and sensory needs shape sleep more than any particular method. Two kids in the same household, with the same parents and same routines, can be completely different sleepers.
    • Cross-cultural perspective matters. In Japan and other collectivist cultures, co-sleeping is the norm — and those children grow into highly independent individuals, suggesting that the Western rush toward forced infant independence may be backwards.
    • Dependence comes before independence. Kids need to feel they can count on you first — secure attachment and responsiveness are what grow authentic independence, not withholding comfort.
    • There is no one right method. Whether you choose to co-sleep, room-share, use routines, or try a gentler sleep approach — if it feels aligned with your values and your child's temperament, and it's safe, it's valid.
    • Attachment is about overall patterns, not individual hard nights. Two tough days during a sleep transition will not override a foundation of responsiveness and connection.

    About the Guest

    Rachael Shepard-Ohta is the founder of Hey, Sleepy Baby, a certified sleep consultant with a Master's in Education and certifications in infant-parent mental health. She is also the host of the No One Told Us and You're So Right podcasts, a San Francisco mom of three, and has a book coming out February 2027. Rachael helps families find responsive, attachment-based sleep solutions without guilt or forceful sleep training.


    Resources Mentioned
    • 🔬 Infant Sleep Variability Research — Longitudinal Study of Sleep Behavior in Normal Infants During the First Year of Life (Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine, 2014) — Research confirming that infant sleep duration shows high inter-individual variability and does not improve in a linear fashion.
    • 🧠 Infant & Toddler Sleep Research Narrative Review (2025) — ScienceDirect — Comprehensive overview of 25 years of infant sleep research, covering developmental shifts, parenting practices, and behavioral sleep interventions.
    • 🌍 Co-Sleeping in Context: Japan vs. U.S. Study — PubMed / Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine — Classic cross-cultural study showing that co-sleeping in Japan is not associated with increased sleep problems.
    • 🇯🇵 Co-Sleeping: Cultural Norms Around the World — Hey Sleepy Baby Blog — Rachael's own deep-dive into how cultures like Japan approach infant sleep very differently from the U.S.
    • 🌡️ Temperament + Sleep Workshop — Hey Sleepy Baby — Rachael's live workshop helping parents decode their child's temperament and sensory style to support better sleep.
    • 😴 Sensory Ideas for Better Sleep — Hey Sleepy Baby Blog — Free resource on how sensory needs and temperament affect sleep at every age.
    • 🎧 No One Told Us Podcast — Apple Podcasts | Spotify — Rachael's own podcast covering the raw, unfiltered truths of parenthood.
    • 📚 Hey Sleepy Baby Free Resources & Guides — heysleepybaby.com — Courses, workshops, 1-on-1 consults, and free blog content.

    Connect

    Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

    Connect with Eli:


    Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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  27. #19 How to Deal with Parental Stress (Scripts + Strategies) | Nerd Notes with Eli

    20 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 19

    Episode SummaryStress is universal — but how we respond to it isn't. In this solo episode, Eli Harwood (the Attachment Nerd) breaks down what stress actually is, why your personal history shapes your stress …

    Shownotes
    Episode Summary

    Stress is universal — but how we respond to it isn't. In this solo episode, Eli Harwood (the Attachment Nerd) breaks down what stress actually is, why your personal history shapes your stress response, and how to manage it in a way that protects both your well-being and your relationship with your kids. From completing the stress cycle to talking to your children about fight-or-flight in real time, this episode is a practical, compassionate guide to becoming a more regulated — and more connected — parent.

    Key Takeaways
    • Stress is both external and internal. The stressor is the event; the stress response is what happens in your body. You can influence both.
    • Your attachment history shapes your reactivity. How your caregivers handled stress became your internal blueprint — but it can be rewritten.
    • Pause, reflect, decide. Before reacting, notice the stressor, name your body's response, then consciously choose how you want to respond.
    • Completing the stress cycle matters. The stress energy in your body needs to move through — via movement, venting, crying, or physical expression — or it accumulates.
    • The "F-it Bucket" is a real strategy. Not every stressor deserves equal energy. Deliberately release the unnecessary ones.
    • Witnesses reduce stress. Having people who say "I see you, I get it" is neurologically powerful — community is medicine.
    • Talking to kids about stress teaches them to self-regulate. Simple scripts like "I'm having a stress response in my body" model emotional literacy your kids will internalize.
    • Some stress is productive. The goal isn't zero stress — it's the right amount that motivates action without causing paralysis or chronic agitation.

    Resources Mentioned
    About Eli Harwood

    Eli Harwood (MA, LPC) is a licensed therapist, USA Today bestselling author, and the creator of Attachment Nerd. With 19+ years of clinical experience, she translates peer-reviewed attachment research into practical, shame-free guidance for parents. She is the author of Raising Securely Attached Kids, Securely Attached, Uniquely Us, and How to Deal with Your __ So Your Kids Don't Have To.


    Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

    Connect with Eli:


    Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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  28. #18 Navigating the Complex Terrain of Foster Parenting | With Laura Foster Partner

    29 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 18

    Episode SummaryIn this episode, Eli sits down with Laura, the Foster Parent Partner — author, content creator, and foster care advocate with nearly 300K followers — to have an honest, compassionate conversation …

    Shownotes
    Episode Summary

    In this episode, Eli sits down with Laura, the Foster Parent Partner — author, content creator, and foster care advocate with nearly 300K followers — to have an honest, compassionate conversation about the realities of foster parenting. They explore what it truly means to show up for kids from hard places, how foster parents can survive a broken system, and why even one safe home can change the entire trajectory of a child's life.

    Key Takeaways
    • Foster parenting is a life-changing and profoundly disruptive experience — in the best and hardest ways. Honesty about this upfront protects both caregivers and children.
    • Foster parents serve as critical buffers between a child's traumatic past, an imperfect system, and a safer present — and that buffering matters enormously for long-term healing.
    • The small, consistent, everyday moments — rubbing a child's back, making their favorite dinner, laughing together — are not small at all. For kids from hard places, they are revolutionary.
    • Expanding your window of tolerance as a caregiver — not just changing the child's behavior — is the key skill in trauma-informed fostering.
    • Even if you foster a child for a short time, you may be "the one home" they remember as the safe place that helped them heal years later in therapy.
    • The ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) framework helps us understand risk factors, and foster parents are one of the most powerful protective factors a child can have.
    • Burnout is common and valid — give yourself grace, ask for help, and focus on what you can control each day.

    About the Guest

    Laura — The Foster Parent Partner is a content creator, therapeutic foster parent, and author who supports the foster parenting community with practical, trauma-informed guidance. She has built a community of nearly 300K followers across social platforms and channeled that expertise into her new book, First-Time Fostering: A Practical Guide for Supporting Kids in Foster Care.


    Resources Mentioned

    Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

    Connect with Eli:


    Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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  29. #17 How to Deal with Talking to Your Kids About Porn | Nerd Notes with Eli

    20 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 17

    How to Deal with Talking to Your Kids About PornographyEpisode SummaryAfter a disturbing news story surfaced exposing widespread abuse on a major pornography platform, Eli Harwood (the Attachment Nerd) is …

    Shownotes
    How to Deal with Talking to Your Kids About PornographyEpisode Summary

    After a disturbing news story surfaced exposing widespread abuse on a major pornography platform, Eli Harwood (the Attachment Nerd) is stepping up with a calm, practical guide for parents. In this solo episode, Eli walks you through exactly how to have an honest, age-appropriate, shame-free conversation with your kids about pornography — what it is, why it distorts reality, how addiction cycles form, and how to keep the dialogue open. Whether your child is in elementary school or high school, this episode gives you the scripts and the confidence to show up for one of the most important conversations of their childhood.

    Key Takeaways
    • Regulate before you educate — process your own feelings first so you can show up calm and clear for your child
    • Timing matters — choose a low-pressure moment (weekends, car rides) when your child has emotional bandwidth to absorb the conversation
    • Pornography is not reality — teach kids that the bodies, acts, and dynamics they see on screen are often inaccurate, demeaning, and not representative of healthy, mutual sexuality
    • Many people in pornographic videos are not there by choice — help kids understand they may inadvertently be consuming content involving trafficking or abuse, and that there's no reliable way to tell the difference
    • Arousal is automatic — and designed — explain to teens that the arousal they feel watching porn is engineered by the platform, not a moral failing, and walk them through the shame-arousal cycle that leads to addiction
    • Shame is the primary fuel for pornography use — an open, non-judgmental dialogue at home dramatically reduces the risk of a child developing a secretive, compulsive relationship with pornography
    • Screen limits reduce exposure risk — delaying smartphone access and building real-world social skills provides meaningful protection
    • You can course-correct — even if you've already given a young child a smartphone, it's never too late to change the rules with honesty and love

    About the Host

    Eli Harwood (she/her), MA, LPC, is a licensed therapist, USA TODAY bestselling author, and the creator of Attachment Nerd. With 19+ years of clinical experience, she translates decades of attachment science into warm, practical, shame-free parenting guidance. She is the author of Raising Securely Attached Kids and How to Deal with Your __ So Your Kids Don't Have To, and the creator of the Secure Parenting Program.


    Resources Mentioned
    • 📖 Raising Securely Attached Kids by Eli Harwood — Buy on Amazon | Publisher Page (includes a full chapter on navigating tricky topic conversations with kids)
    • 📖 How to Deal with Your __ So Your Kids Don't Have To by Eli Harwood — Buy on Amazon | Publisher Page (Eli's newest book — helps parents work through anxiety, shame, and emotional baggage so it doesn't pass down)
    • 📖 The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt — Buy on Amazon | Author Site (research on smartphones, social media, and the mental health crisis in young people)
    • 🎓 Secure Parenting Program by Attachment Nerd — Join Here (pay-what-you-can, lifetime access, community support)

    Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

    Connect with Eli:


    Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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  30. #16 How To Deal With the Adolescent Rollercoaster | With Dr. Cara Natterson and Vanessa Kroll Bennett

    38 Min.Staffel 2 · Folge 16

    How to Deal with Raising Tweens & Teens with Dr. Cara Natterson & Vanessa Kroll BennettEpisode SummaryIf you're a parent staring down the tunnel of adolescence and feeling the dread building — this episode is …

    Shownotes
    How to Deal with Raising Tweens & Teens with Dr. Cara Natterson & Vanessa Kroll BennettEpisode Summary

    If you're a parent staring down the tunnel of adolescence and feeling the dread building — this episode is your permission slip to exhale. Eli sits down with Dr. Cara Natterson and Vanessa Kroll Bennett of Less Awkward for a warm, wildly informative, and surprisingly funny conversation about what puberty actually is, why it's happening earlier than ever, and how to be the parent your tween or teen genuinely needs — even when they're slamming doors and rolling their eyes. Expect real science, real talk, and a boxing metaphor that will change how you show up for your kid.

    Key Takeaways
    • Adolescence is not something to survive — it's something to lean into. The mood swings, the push-back, the withdrawal: it's developmental, it's hormonal, and most importantly, it's not personal.
    • Puberty is starting 2–3 years earlier than it did a generation ago. Average onset is now ages 8–9 for girls and 9–10 for boys. The first sign? According to pediatric endocrinologist Louise Greenspan: a slamming door.
    • ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) and socioeconomic stress accelerate puberty through chronic cortisol release — not race. Kids of color are often entering puberty earlier, and this intersects with data showing that adults tend to age children of color as older than they are, creating an unfair double burden.
    • Sex hormones surge and drop every 6–12 hours — which is why your kid can seem perfectly reasonable at breakfast and completely dysregulated by dinner. It's not you, it's biology.
    • Your job is to be the corner person, not get in the ring. Like a boxing coach, your role is to offer a place to rest, encouragement, and steady presence — not to fight their battles or fight them.
    • Silence is not rejection. A teen who won't talk still wants you there. Try the car, the walk, the lights-out bedtime check-in — and if all else fails, just sit in silence. Stay.
    • When you mess up (and you will), own it and repair. Research shows kids gain respect for parents who apologize and take do-overs. It also models exactly what we want them to do with their mistakes.
    • Your attitude toward adolescence becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you dread it, they'll become dreadful. Studies show kids absorb the expectations adults project onto them.

    About the GuestsDr. Cara Natterson

    Dr. Cara Natterson is a pediatrician, speaker, educator, and one of the foremost voices on tween and teen health. She is the Founder and CEO of Less Awkward and the New York Times bestselling author of The Care and Keeping of You series with American Girl.


    Vanessa Kroll Bennett

    Vanessa Kroll Bennett is a USA Today bestselling author and co-host of the This Is So Awkward podcast. As President of Content at Less Awkward, she helps adults navigate the challenges of raising tweens and teens with joy and humor.


    Resources Mentioned
    Connect with Eli

    Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

    Connect with Eli:


    Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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