The Ice Coffee That Broke Me

I lost it the other day.

You know those weeks that you feel as if you can’t quite get ahead of life piling on top of you?? That’s been me for about a month now.

So, when I started to feel the signs of my body and mind collapsing - I literally ran away, which is a recurring theme in my life, to the mountains with my husband to decompress. It was amazing. Your quintessential New England foliage weekend. By Saturday afternoon I felt ~refreshed~.

Until… we got in a little bit of a spat on Saturday night. Nothing crazy, your usual “You’re not listening to me” or “I don’t like that tone” type of spat.

And as I was pouring my heart out, mid argument I had the thought - This is only happening because I’m exhausted.

Whoops. I essentially regressed to a toddler.

I’M JUST A GIRL.

My husband and I came to the understanding that we weren’t really getting anywhere to which my nervous system essentially went into shelter mode and I promptly passed out on the couch. Eventually I crawled my way to bed in a haze and woke up the next morning, looked at my husband with puppy dog eyes and asked if we could go for a walk before we spoke about anything.

After a little sunshine and coffee we conversed around how we could be there for each other in times of stress. How we can learn from each other, about how we need to be cared for and heard when we are having a bad day.

It was beautiful.

We were walking through the woods, saying we know we love each other but sometimes we get a little cranky and need to find a way to communicate that better.

Chef’s kiss, honestly.

And then, as it happens in relationships, all of that was tested not even 48 hours later.

The tiredness kept creeping in and in between running home from my full time and getting on a call with a client, I went to go make myself an iced coffee. All day long, all day long, I had been thinking about this iced coffee.

Daydreaming.

I was foaming at the mouth at the thought of a crisp maple syrup coffee dancing on my tastebuds on a fall afternoon.

I actually intentionally did NOT go get a coffee from my favorite coffee shop because I knew the one I was gonna make at home was going to be EVEN better.

I pour my milk and mix my maple syrup in (an elite combo, you’re welcome).

I go to get the ice and then it dawns on me - I didn’t actually SEE the ice coffee container in the door when I grabbed the milk.

My husband doesn’t like iced coffee.

He doesn’t drink iced coffee.

So when I get my pre-made iced coffee, I put it in the fridge and it is a known fact that it is mine.

So the SHOCK I felt when I found out he took the ENTIRE bottle of iced coffee with him to work that day.

Betrayal.

“Why did you take the whole bottle?!”

“I didn’t trust your moms.” (Sidenote; he works from my mom’s on Monday’s and she is an iced coffee addict who has at least four bottles in her fridge at all times. The same exact type of iced coffee I buy for myself.)

When I say my body was shook.

I was viscerally upset.

My vision was going blurry.

My hands were vibrating.

My breath was short.

I had five minutes before I got on a call with a client who pays me to help her regulate her nervous system and here I am losing it over an iced coffee.

Mid mental and physical collapse, I did all the cognitive rationale I could.

Tia, it’s JUST coffee.

Tia, he makes your coffee every morning, this isn’t a big deal.

Tia, you probably just need water.

Tia, he has already apologized.

None of that shit was working.

I know, I know. It’s fucking crazy because it was just an iced coffee??? Also, all these indicators probably meant I absolutely did not need more caffeine in my system. But… rationale doesn’t exactly matter when your nervous system is collapsing.

This is the classic example of where the problem shows up, isn’t always where the problem lies. My nervous system was shattered and I needed to pull myself together rather quickly.

So I sat down and I did a little visual eye reset with my feet firmly planted on the ground.

I did some 1 to 2 breathing because I had five minutes and that shit works.

And I was fine.

I ended up having a lovely call with my client, had some breakthroughs on her end, and I left smiling.

After I hung up with my client I immediately texted my husband “Sorry about losing it.”

“It’s okay baby, I’ll get you some more iced coffee later”

HES A GOOD MAN ALRIGHT.

The point isn’t the iced coffee or that my husband is a traitor who picks and chooses when iced coffee suits him.

Even though the iced coffee broke me, it did. It broke me a little, broke me more than I have been broken in a very long time. It got me thinking about how often I see this in the world right now… People allow their anxiety to impact their lives and the lives of those around them. Impact their work and then expecting others to cater to them in those moments.

When I was shaking in my boots, I wanted to tear my husband down and make him pay for taking my iced coffee.

I won’t lie - I sometimes look at my husband and ask “why aren’t you helping me?” to which I have done a lot of work around and have recognized that he can absolutely be a calming presence in my world, but the only person who can regulate me at this age is myself.

We gotta put our big girl pants on and figure out what’s wrong. And then take it a step further and we need to figure out what works for our systems when it comes to regulating.

I saw recently on threads (which I really try to stay off that because my God, is it toxic) a woman posted about how her employer was making her feel bad for not getting on a call at 9 a.m. because she has anxiety and she can’t start her day till 10.30 AM.

But then she was actively posting about going on morning walks, getting coffee, and interacting with humans on her socials before 10:30 AM.

So work interaction = no. Blame it on anxiety.

Fun interaction = yes. No anxiety there.

And here’s the thing.

I think if a job environment is so toxic, you should leave it. Point blank - you only got one life and we don’t need to be wasting it.

But there’s also... things that need to happen for a business to survive.

And as someone who owns a business and has hired contractors, I expect something from someone when I am paying them.

And if they come to me saying my anxiety can’t let me complete this task. I’m empathetic and am happy to talk about the situation at hand if they are willing to work through it - but also… I hired you for a reason and I need that reason to be fulfilled in a timely manner because I need to provide a service on the timeline I promised MY clients because they paid me.

I so wish it wasn’t true, but we all need money.

Bear with me - imagine I showed up to my client and said “Hi. I can’t actually help you today because my husband took my iced coffee and it sent my nervous system into an eruption because it was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me.”

She would be like … what the fuck??

Or if you had a water line break and your house was flooding and the town called you up and was like “I know this is kind of an issue, but I am just feeling a little stressed out today and I just cannot handle this at the moment so I’m gonna take a personal day and get back to you.”

I don’t think any of us would be as forgiving if our house was actively being destroyed.

Almost everyone I know agrees that mental health is important.

But now we expect everyone to change their life around our mental health to meet OUR needs. And that is like trying to appease everyone on a group vacation.

It isn’t realistic to structure environments around everyone’s needs, at all times.

I’ve said it a million times and I’m going to keep saying it. I coach people who want to understand themselves so deeply that they are capable of handling any life event that is thrown at them- even IF these events cause anxiety or stress.

I don’t coach people who make up excuses as to why they can’t do something.

I help you create capacity to make decisions and how to move forward, for when things get stressful, because it happens… constantly. I won’t allow your emotions to negatively d…

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