The Regulation Revolution

I lost it the other day.

You know those weeks that you feel as if you can’t quite get ahead of life piling on top of you?? That’s been me for about a month now.

So, when I started to feel the signs of my body and mind collapsing - I literally ran away, which is a recurring theme in my life, to the mountains with my husband to decompress. It was amazing. Your quintessential New England foliage weekend. By Saturday afternoon I felt ~refreshed~.

Until… we got in a little bit of a spat on Saturday night. Nothing crazy, your usual “You’re not listening to me” or “I don’t like that tone” type of spat.

And as I was pouring my heart out, mid argument I had the thought - This is only happening because I’m exhausted.

Whoops. I essentially regressed to a toddler.

I’M JUST A GIRL.

My husband and I came to the understanding that we weren’t really getting anywhere to which my nervous system essentially went into shelter mode and I promptly passed out on the couch. Eventually I crawled my way to bed in a haze and woke up the next morning, looked at my husband with puppy dog eyes and asked if we could go for a walk before we spoke about anything.

After a little sunshine and coffee we conversed around how we could be there for each other in times of stress. How we can learn from each other, about how we need to be cared for and heard when we are having a bad day.

It was beautiful.

We were walking through the woods, saying we know we love each other but sometimes we get a little cranky and need to find a way to communicate that better.

Chef’s kiss, honestly.

And then, as it happens in relationships, all of that was tested not even 48 hours later.

The tiredness kept creeping in and in between running home from my full time and getting on a call with a client, I went to go make myself an iced coffee. All day long, all day long, I had been thinking about this iced coffee.

Daydreaming.

I was foaming at the mouth at the thought of a crisp maple syrup coffee dancing on my tastebuds on a fall afternoon.

I actually intentionally did NOT go get a coffee from my favorite coffee shop because I knew the one I was gonna make at home was going to be EVEN better.

I pour my milk and mix my maple syrup in (an elite combo, you’re welcome).

I go to get the ice and then it dawns on me - I didn’t actually SEE the ice coffee container in the door when I grabbed the milk.

My husband doesn’t like iced coffee.

He doesn’t drink iced coffee.

So when I get my pre-made iced coffee, I put it in the fridge and it is a known fact that it is mine.

So the SHOCK I felt when I found out he took the ENTIRE bottle of iced coffee with him to work that day.

Betrayal.

“Why did you take the whole bottle?!”

“I didn’t trust your moms.” (Sidenote; he works from my mom’s on Monday’s and she is an iced coffee addict who has at least four bottles in her fridge at all times. The same exact type of iced coffee I buy for myself.)

When I say my body was shook.

I was viscerally upset.

My vision was going blurry.

My hands were vibrating.

My breath was short.

I had five minutes before I got on a call with a client who pays me to help her regulate her nervous system and here I am losing it over an iced coffee.

Mid mental and physical collapse, I did all the cognitive rationale I could.

Tia, it’s JUST coffee.

Tia, he makes your coffee every morning, this isn’t a big deal.

Tia, you probably just need water.

Tia, he has already apologized.

None of that shit was working.

I know, I know. It’s fucking crazy because it was just an iced coffee??? Also, all these indicators probably meant I absolutely did not need more caffeine in my system. But… rationale doesn’t exactly matter when your nervous system is collapsing.

This is the classic example of where the problem shows up, isn’t always where the problem lies. My nervous system was shattered and I needed to pull myself together rather quickly.

So I sat down and I did a little visual eye reset with my feet firmly planted on the ground.

I did some 1 to 2 breathing because I had five minutes and that shit works.

And I was fine.

I ended up having a lovely call with my client, had some breakthroughs on her end, and I left smiling.

After I hung up with my client I immediately texted my husband “Sorry about losing it.”

“It’s okay baby, I’ll get you some more iced coffee later”

HES A GOOD MAN ALRIGHT.

The point isn’t the iced coffee or that my husband is a traitor who picks and chooses when iced coffee suits him.

Even though the iced coffee broke me, it did. It broke me a little, broke me more than I have been broken in a very long time. It got me thinking about how often I see this in the world right now… People allow their anxiety to impact their lives and the lives of those around them. Impact their work and then expecting others to cater to them in those moments.

When I was shaking in my boots, I wanted to tear my husband down and make him pay for taking my iced coffee.

I won’t lie - I sometimes look at my husband and ask “why aren’t you helping me?” to which I have done a lot of work around and have recognized that he can absolutely be a calming presence in my world, but the only person who can regulate me at this age is myself.

We gotta put our big girl pants on and figure out what’s wrong. And then take it a step further and we need to figure out what works for our systems when it comes to regulating.

I saw recently on threads (which I really try to stay off that because my God, is it toxic) a woman posted about how her employer was making her feel bad for not getting on a call at 9 a.m. because she has anxiety and she can’t start her day till 10.30 AM.

But then she was actively posting about going on morning walks, getting coffee, and interacting with humans on her socials before 10:30 AM.

So work interaction = no. Blame it on anxiety.

Fun interaction = yes. No anxiety there.

And here’s the thing.

I think if a job environment is so toxic, you should leave it. Point blank - you only got one life and we don’t need to be wasting it.

But there’s also... things that need to happen for a business to survive.

And as someone who owns a business and has hired contractors, I expect something from someone when I am paying them.

And if they come to me saying my anxiety can’t let me complete this task. I’m empathetic and am happy to talk about the situation at hand if they are willing to work through it - but also… I hired you for a reason and I need that reason to be fulfilled in a timely manner because I need to provide a service on the timeline I promised MY clients because they paid me.

I so wish it wasn’t true, but we all need money.

Bear with me - imagine I showed up to my client and said “Hi. I can’t actually help you today because my husband took my iced coffee and it sent my nervous system into an eruption because it was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me.”

She would be like … what the fuck??

Or if you had a water line break and your house was flooding and the town called you up and was like “I know this is kind of an issue, but I am just feeling a little stressed out today and I just cannot handle this at the moment so I’m gonna take a personal day and get back to you.”

I don’t think any of us would be as forgiving if our house was actively being destroyed.

Almost everyone I know agrees that mental health is important.

But now we expect everyone to change their life around our mental health to meet OUR needs. And that is like trying to appease everyone on a group vacation.

It isn’t realistic to structure environments around everyone’s needs, at all times.

I’ve said it a million times and I’m going to keep saying it. I coach people who want to understand themselves so deeply that they are capable of handling any life event that is thrown at them- even IF these events cause anxiety or stress.

I don’t coach people who make up excuses as to why they can’t do something.

I help you create capacity to make decisions and how to move forward, for when things get stressful, because it happens… constantly. I won’t allow your emotions to negatively d…

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

When I try to conjure up a description of my family - positive attitude is not the first thing that comes to my mind. By no means are they doom and gloom, and oh boy has life thrown them some punches, but they have a tendency to focus on the “need to do” instead of the “want to do.”

But by god, they always do it with a can-do attitude because as my mom says “I’m not going down without a fight.”

Except… this week… I have noticed the world starting to bring them down a bit.

Not just my family though, this overall “I’m tired from the universe” has shown up in many other people within my life.

Which I GET.

It kind of feels like the universe is crumbling? That society as we know it is slightly collapsing? AI is gonna take over and the things we want to do for fun have eaten into our bare minimum of survival budget.

IF we look at it that way.

My personal belief is that the most radical thing we can do is find joy in each and every day.

I met my husband when I was 25 (an infant! Some might say) and after probably two months of dating I showed up to his house utterly depressed.

Someone I knew, who was a very sweet boy, lost his father unexpectedly, in front of him, and there was absolutely nothing he could have done to save him at that moment.

I had never met his father. And honestly I hadn’t spoken to this boy in years - but finding out about this shook me to my core.

As I crawled into bed with my now husband (then a boyfriend who I was “just having fun with”) he held me and said “Tia, you can’t carry everyone’s pain around. It’s just not possible or you aren’t gonna make it.”

I told him he was cold.

But he was right.

If you truly thought of every single thing going wrong in the world, you would be absolutely fucking miserable. And people love other people being miserable. There is a community of miserable humans wandering around, always wanting to bring you down. And if you don’t have your own community - it seems like a place where you can easily be welcomed with a complaint about your day, your partner, or your job.

I should know because I love drama. I always say, I am human - I do not claim to be perfect. BUT I’m actively rewiring my brain to catch those moments where I enjoy someone’s downfall because WHO is that helping exactly??

So the most radical thing you can do is choose to not be miserable.

And it is a choice, I’m sorry if that sits with you the wrong way.

I’m human. I see the state of the world. And I ain’t gonna lie - it makes me pretty damn sad sometimes - but the reality is, we live in it.

I’ll be damned if I let other people’s misery ruin this one precious life I have.

Okay okay, I’ll get off my soap box.

You’re like “Tia I would LOVE to not be miserable, but it just keeps catching me. How do we stay positive when the world is bringing us down??”

You look out into humanity.

SEEK it out.

Make a conscious effort to find ONE thing a day that gives you hope.

I started doing this last spring. I was driving to work as the sun was rising, so damn tired, thinking “I just can’t wait to be in Guatemala.”

Immediately I got irritated with myself. I was wishing time away (like three months of it) and putting all my hope into this one trip to make me happy.

GIRL get the fuck out. I didn’t want to be the basic b always talking about her vacation, so I then had the thought of “what if I approached my day as if I was on vacation?!”

You know when you are on vacation and you start taking pictures of things you would NEVER do on your normal Tuesday? Like were my eggs on avocado toast really that much better because I paid $20 dollars for them?

No. But I told myself they were in the moment, and the photo has a beautiful streak of light illuminating my sourdough toast and cappuccino. But guess what??? I believed that this was more important than my everyday breakfast because I was ~on vacation~.

So I made a promise to myself to start looking at each day with that same amount of enthusiasm as I do when I’m on vacation and guess what?? I started enjoying my life SO much more.

When I started seeking this, I saw things I would have missed when I sat in my misery:

* Yesterday I saw a guy shimmying outside his house to entertain someone inside. He had a whole dance party as he got out of his car.

* My heart lit up when I saw an old dog wagging its tail as it slowly climbed a hill. No leash needed anymore - he wasn’t going anywhere fast. You could tell by his waddles felt like freedom.

* Catching my husband’s smile when I ate the potatoes he messed up and thought they were donezo. That’s something that will stick with me.

Neville Goddard, a thinker we shall call him, who lectured across the world and wrote many books from 1938 all the way to 1972, once stated “Your feelings create the pattern from which your world is fashioned, and a change of feeling is a change of pattern.”

Someone asked me recently what is actually nervous system regulation? To me, nervous system regulation is the ability to build a capacity for an incredible life. (I stole this from my client and it will soon be my tagline. I will give her credit, don’t worry!!)

Life isn’t always going to be sunshine and rainbows, but if we looked at the building of this life as little steps. We break it into actionable items - one day you will look up and there will be a level of calm that didn’t exist before.

One where you can understand why your body is responding a certain way in reaction to a perceived threat - and then you choose to move forward anyway because you BELIEVE in the outcome more than the fear that is showing up.

Back to good old Neville - if we learn how to interrupt a miserable feeling within our body we can then practice sitting with that feeling, understanding where it is coming from, and then shifting out of the feeling.

The feelings we repeatedly practice can become the feelings our subconscious learns to recognize as familiar. And your nervous system NEEDS familiarity.

The feelings you practice become the feelings your body expects. If you spend every day rehearsing dread, dread starts to feel like home.

The good news is that your brain can practice the other direction too. A meta-analysis of 48 neuroimaging studies found that cognitive reappraisal, which means changing how you think about something to change its emotional impact, consistently engaged the brain’s cognitive control regions and shifted activity in the amygdala, your threat-detection center. (Buhle et al., Cerebral Cortex, 2014.) yale

What this means is shifting how you interpret a moment is simply a skill, and skills get stronger with practice.

What’s that saying - the first thing to being good at something is sucking at it?? Well sometimes we have to feel SO shit to want to change.

But I promise if you try to intentionally find ONE thing a day that doesn’t suck, you’re doing better than the past version of yourself and that’s pretty cool.

If you are having trouble getting out of the spiral - it’s something I think I’m pretty good at, and love helping other people find their way up and to the right - so book a gifted session with me. Let’s uplevel your life.

Lots of love,

Tia

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

Someone asked me recently if I believed in God, and I immediately thought of Dalton.

Dalton was my roommate my sophomore year of college.

And while I don’t particularly remember the details — because that’s what happens when you’re carrying trauma — or the exact order this all came about, I do know everything here is true and did, in fact, happen.

So: God vs. Dalton.

One night, sitting on the bathroom floor of my bedroom, I was wondering if it was even worth it to be alive, or what would be the least traumatic way for me to go for everyone involved.

See, I had messed up a few friendships by that point, thanks to one blindly drunken night and about three bad decisions I made after that.

Funny how it only takes one scared 18-year-old decision to change the entire trajectory of your life.

But anyway, I remember Dalton. And I remember the knock on my door, followed by “I made you a little cup of frosting.”

He knew how much I love frosting.

He could clearly tell I was having a bad day, though at the time, no one knew how bad it really was, how dysregulated I had become, or how close I was teetering to the edge of existence.

But that little cup of frosting and a glimmer of someone seeing me, got me off that floor and back into reality.

Then after Dalton, there was the bartender in Slovakia.

A man who was the sole worker of a bar with one booth and three stools. It existed in the middle of a town I had never heard of, but found myself in thanks to shifting train schedules and a rural stop that had apparently stopped existing.

Even though they’d sold me the ticket there the day before.

“What are you doing here?”

“It was an accident. I’ll take a beer. Is this town walking distance from here?”

“It’s at least an hour’s drive away.”

“Okay… I’ll just grab a taxi out front.”

“Don’t do that. I will call my friend.”

This man was either my savior, or the one who could have decided my untimely end.

By the fear I saw in his eyes when I said I would grab a taxi outside, I chose to believe he was the former rather than the latter. He left me with no other choice.

I’m still here, so I think you know the answer to that.

After the Slovakian bartender in the middle of nowhere, I think of the dad on the hike who helped me cross a particularly slippery, loose rock ledge just a few days later. He got his family across, then came back for me.

I was alone.

He spoke no English.

But he held my hand and made sure I was safe and on steady ground and then he waved goodbye to catch up to his wild toddlers running alongside his wife.

After mountain dad, I think of the women wearing pussy hats after a feminist rally who helped a post brunch with besties version of myself, navigate the NYC subway to find her friend she hadn’t seen since college.

My train got canceled again and I started to recognize a theme with trains.

After that, I think of the man with the pit bull that same night, who let me use his phone to call an Uber at an ungodly hour when mine had died and I was in unfamiliar territory. It would have been easy for him to walk past, or worse…

And after the man with the pit bull, I think of the hiker on Crib Goch in the middle of Wales in Snowden National park, who walked back onto the trail when he realized my friend and I hadn’t quite made it back before sunset. His wife had recently needed to be evacuated by helicopter from that same mountain, and he wanted to make sure we were okay.

He said he’d waited for an hour for us the parking lot.

We were fine - just deliriously tired, laughing at goats as we meandered our way back to our hostel across the road from the trailhead. Our legs couldn’t have moved any faster if we’d tried.

After the concerned hiker husband who didn’t want a repeat of his wife’s rescue, I think of the woman who came up to myself and the girl I was helping at a festival. I was coaching her how to relearn how to breathe when her excitement to fit in didn’t quite match her body’s physical capability that day - if you’re picking up what I’m putting down at a rave. It’s happened to the best of us.

The woman walked up, popped a lollipop in her mouth, handed her some water and looked me in the eyes saying “you’re doing great sweetie” as she danced away.

Her confident reassurance helped me help this girl come back to reality.

And after rave queen, I think of the hundreds of other times fate could have ended me, but didn’t because of the humans who surrounded me.

So no, I don’t have an answer on whether I believe in God or not.

But I do believe there were too many times the universe could have given up on me, and it didn’t.

The people in it showed up. In full force. With a hand out to help me through.

I’m not exactly sure who sent these people in, and I may never know why they did these things for me but I choose to believe in the people here, on this earth, every day.

I now make a conscious decision to choose to see the good, even when the world so badly wants to turn us against each other. Not certainty, but chosen faith in human connection and resilience.

So when asked if I believe in God, I don’t know - I haven’t really found that out yet… but I do believe in Dalton.

Lots of love,Tia

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

I had a whole other post written for this week and it’s getting pushed to next week, because I cannot stop thinking about “poop-gate.”

If you missed it: an elite Hyrox athlete named Joanna went viral because she shit herself mid-race… in an indoor arena… on shared equipment AND KEPT GOING. Finished the race. Won. Posted a photo of herself with an IV in her arm after saying a win is a win.

The thing is people would have understood the shitting herself part, but the continuing the race with other athletes on the same rower right after her with zero remorse in the post?

You now have a complete community (world?) outraged and I do understand that.

But underneath the internet outrage, there’s something I think is actually worth talking about: what happens to your brain when your body is under extreme stress, and why “rational thinking” is often the first thing to go offline.

What Is a Freeze Response?

A freeze response is what happens when your nervous system decides a threat is too big to fight or outrun, so it shuts things down instead, including the part of your brain responsible for weighing consequences.

Endurance athletes soiling themselves mid-race isn’t rare. Extreme physical stress redirects blood away from the digestive tract and can trigger sudden bowel urgency. Your body is too busy keeping you upright and moving to also run digestion. The New York Times even covered this exact question a few hours before I sat down to write this: why do athletes soil themselves so frequently? because this convo is THAT hot right now.

I don’t think Joanna is an outlier in endurance sports. I think she’s a case study around nervous system regulation and what made her continue the race.

I don’t think she should have been allowed to finish, for everyone else’s sake. In case my stance wasn’t clear - but here is my theory on why she did.

Under extreme physical stress, unless your body has specifically been trained to think clearly while under duress, like the way Navy SEALs train, or the way I coach police officers to think under stress, your brain doesn’t stay online. It shuts off the part that asks, is this affecting other people? and keeps only the part that says keep moving. It’s a survival mechanism.

Joanna has clearly trained her body to withstand enormous physical stress. What she probably hasn’t trained is the mental layer on top of it. This is the part that would’ve interrupted the “finish at all costs” loop with a different thought: this affects the people around me OR this moral performance will override my physical performance.

That thought never landed. Her nervous system was too dysregulated to let it in.

You’ve probably had a moment where you thought afterward, why did I even do that?

I know I have.

This is when your nervous system deploys a defense mechanism without rational thinking.

Joanna’s “win is a win” post about winnning hours later, with zero acknowledgment of what happened was her still existing in a freeze state.

Coming out of a freeze state takes time, and it takes being grounded enough in your body to actually process what just happened. If you’re still dysregulated, you’re still in a state of survival rather than a state of being. With cognitive, rational, thoughts.

Cognitive science backs this up in a general sense: under high stress, the brain’s threat-response circuitry can outpace the slower, deliberate reasoning circuitry, which is part of why cognitive reappraisal (consciously reframing a stressful situation) is such a well-studied regulation tool. It’s not that the thinking brain disappears, it doesn’t move as fast as the threat-response.

How to Apply This

You don’t need to be a Hyrox athlete for this to matter. Here’s how to actually build the kind of nervous system regulation that keeps your critical thinking online when your experience a high stress state:

* Notice your baseline stress load before you’re in a high-stakes moment. Most of the time dysregulation compounds, it doesn’t just show up out of nowhere.

* Practice pausing under smaller stress. The next time a hard conversation comes up, or a tight deadline, take a moment to pause and notice how you are reacting to the situation. This will start to train your brain body connection what staying online when things get harder looks like.

* Build a physical reset you trust. This could look like pulse jumps, emotional freedom tapping, body slapping or placing your back against a wall. If you don’t know what these are, or what your physical reset is - book a session with me and we can figure it out together!

* Debrief after dysregulated moments instead of judging them - ask what your body was protecting you from. Every reaction is a protective mechanism.

* Get support if this is a pattern, not just a one-off. A nervous system that stays offline under stress needs training.

Your body is a science experiment. You get to find out what actually helps yours stay regulated and it’s not even close to one size fits all.

If any of this hits close to home, if you’ve had your own “wait, why the HELL did I do that?” moment, that’s exactly the kind of thing I work through with clients 1:1. And if you just want to laugh about poop-gate, I’m here for that too.

Lots of love (and a healthy digestive system),

Tia

Thanks for reading The Regulation Revolution By Tia DeVincenzo! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

FAQ

Q: What is a freeze response in nervous system terms?A: It’s an involuntary shutdown response to overwhelming stress, where the brain deprioritizes rational decision-making in favor of survival.

Q: Why do athletes sometimes lose bowel control during extreme events?A: Intense physical stress redirects blood flow away from digestion, which can trigger sudden, uncontrollable urgency.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

I fucked up. Let me tell you about it.

I always say I’m really good with humans and quite terrible with technology, and it finally happened. I thought I’d set something up on my scheduling system to stop someone from booking over the weekend. I checked my schedule on Friday and saw no one had booked for Monday. Monday was a holiday, so I went about my way telling myself I would prioritize rest this weekend. I sat in the sun with my family and acted like there wasn’t a care in the world because, to my mind, there wasn’t.

Except one of the people I’ve been serving was sitting at his computer Monday afternoon, waiting for me to sign on to a meeting he had booked that Sunday evening.

When I woke up Tuesday morning, I checked my email at 5:30 in the morning because I was excited about what had come in over the weekend. Or maybe I was just anxious because I rested a little “too much” and was curious if I had missed anything. Look, I’m also learning to regulate my nervous system, so judge me all you want, but I’m still human. I love my work and it excites me, so when I saw an email that said “I waited for a bit, but I was tired and decided to start sign off” my heart literally sank into my chest, and I reached a depth of guilt that I have yet to experience in my busines. I have never missed a meeting.

Before I go on, I need to explain what exactly nervous system regulation is and why I care so deeply about it.

Nervous system regulation is the ability to notice when your body has gone into a stress response. That may look like a racing heart, shallow breath, or, in my case, a hot flush of shame at a very early hour. When we know how to regulate our system, we respond from a grounded place instead of reacting from an activated state. It’s not about not feeling the guilt or panic; it’s about not letting the panic dictate the response.

Here is what I actually wanted to do the second I saw his message come through: run, apologize immediately, and very dramatically, with a lot of exclamation points, explain why I wasn’t there with an aggressive amount of “sorry’s” and “my bad’s”.

Potentially a desperate “please forgive me.”

My nervous system was on alert, and I was carrying a tremendous amount of guilt for resting while the person I was supposed to be serving sat there waiting for me to show up for him.

A large part of my agreements with my clients is that we show up on time and respect each other’s time. So, for me to feel like I was wasting this person’s precious time was a very uncomfortable place to be.

This is exactly where most people, especially high achievers, especially people who take their work very personally and seriously, do the most damage. It’s not necessarily by making the mistake, but it is how they respond to having made it.

A reactive, guilt-soaked apology doesn’t exactly rebuild trust with your client or potential clients, or even the people working under you. It usually just moves anxiety from your body into theirs, leaving no one with a resolution, but just more stress compounded.

So here’s what I did, and here are the four steps that I went through mentally to make sure that I could potentially salvage this relationship.

Step number one — I paused before I reacted.

The email I wanted to send that morning, with a lot of alarms going off in my head, would have made anyone hesitant to work with me, and I’m not afraid to admit that. I would have looked reactive instead of calm, which is exactly what I don’t want to do because I am trying to help people regulate their nervous system and up-level their life. I saw very clearly that I was not in the right state of mind to write anything well, and therefore I chose not to write anything at all. For an extended period of time - a lot longer than felt comfortable to me.

Step number two — I acknowledged the feeling before I allowed action from it.

Specifically, when we are experiencing emotions, acknowledging them is the catalyst for when we shift from being reactive to being empowered in our response. I even called my husband two hours after the discovery of the email and said, “I still feel like shit.” My nervous system thought that this was the end of the world, and I had to remind myself that me missing a call isn’t actually the end of the world. My potential client was safe. There was NO emergency. But my guilt was the thing that was coming through. Due to my guilt and my worried mind of how this person may perceive me, that is where the end-of-the-world feeling was coming from.

Step number three — got over my own emotions around it.

No matter how shitty and guilty I felt, that was not the responsibility of the person whose meeting I missed to take on. It wasn’t his job to make me feel better about it, and if I had responded when I felt like the world was collapsing in on me, I would have made it his job to feel guilty about it. I had to get over my emotions around the whole scenario and realize that it actually wasn’t about me in any way.

Step number four — owned it with my client.

No reasoning or excuses as to why I missed, but simply own my mistake. After I had sat on it for a few hours, I simply messaged him and I said, “Look, you trusted me with your time, and I abused that trust.” I promised him, and I mean it when I say this, that it will never happen again.

I live under the belief that most people are forgiving if you own your mistakes, and when you know how to communicate through a calm nervous system instead of a very dysregulated one, you can work your way through almost any slip-up that life throws at you.

One of my favorite questions is, “Am I proud of the way I acted?”

And while I wasn’t proud of missing the meeting by any means, I am proud of how I handled the situation. But I wouldn’t have been able to take a step back if I hadn’t spent time understanding what dysregulated means to me.

If you’ve been known to react instead of respond and you feel that these situations have brought some unwanted outcomes, then I invite you to reach out to me and we can have a conversation about it.

My first session, person to person, one to one, is simply looking at something that you may be struggling with and us working together to find where some patterns can be shifted and different outcomes can come true.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Lots of love,

Tia

FAQ

What is nervous system regulation, and why does it matter in professional relationships? It’s the practice of noticing stress activation in your body and choosing your response instead of reacting from panic. In professional relationships, it’s often the difference between an apology that rebuilds trust and one that just transfers your anxiety onto the other person.

How do you stop yourself from reacting when you feel intense guilt? Pause and name the physical sensations first — racing heart, tight shoulders, low energy — before you touch your keyboard. Talk it through with someone you trust. The urge to act immediately is usually the nervous system talking, not clear judgment.

Is it normal to feel this much guilt over a small professional mistake? Yes, especially if you’re someone who ties your worth to being reliable. The intensity of the guilt isn’t the problem — acting on it before you’ve regulated is.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

I have been genuinely nervous to publish lately. Which is ridiculous, given the size of my audience. But the reality is I put all of these pressures on myself externally, around what people think of me.

Where I found my whimsy in the world this summer, I lost the whimsy of creating. I’ve been living quite extraordinarily by my standards this year, and I’ve come across some incredible humans along the way. In those little moments of living, I’ve had a lot of big conversations about how our perception of how people perceive us is actually how we see ourselves.

There’s a name for that and it’s called metaperception.

What Is Metaperception?

Metaperception is what we believe other people think of us - not what they actually think. It’s a construct. A guess our brain makes and then treats like evidence.

Here’s the problem: we don’t have the facts of how people see us. Our brain creates a reality we aren’t always backing it up with actual proof. Think of it like being on trial and having to defend your thoughts with real evidence. As keen as I am on understanding our feelings, I’m also acutely aware that sometimes our feelings lie. If you were asked for proof, sometimes you would not be able to provide it other than “that’s how I feel.”

Why It Matters

If you’re making decisions — about your work, your voice, your next move — based on a story your brain invented about what other people think, you’re not actually making a choice.

You’re managing an imagined jury.

This is where fear-based decision-making lives. The amygdala flags a perceived social threat before your prefrontal cortex has a chance to weigh in with actual evidence. Your nervous system reacts to the story as if it’s already happened. That’s the mechanism behind cognitive reappraisal work - learning to catch the story before it runs the show, and asking it to prove itself.

One of the best compliments I’ve ever gotten is that I show people how to live boldly and be authentically themselves. Recently, someone asked me how I do that for myself. His follow up question was asking how I find the discipline to keep doing it over and over again.

So that’s what I’ve written about today, as I reintegrate into something that actually terrifies me: being seen for my big old brain that doesn’t always have the words to appropriately express my understanding of the world.

The Allure of the Excuse

I am an example whore, so I’ll give you one in regards to this metaperception.

I haven’t posted in over a month. I was really afraid to post again. I sat with that and asked myself the incredibly obvious question: why am I afraid to post again? The answer came down to I was afraid people would judge me for taking a month off. They would call me lazy and not dedicated.

Great. Now I know why I was afraid. But that’s only half the battle. We do a lot of knowing on our healing journey, and not a lot of action.

Here is where the allure of the excuse seems so god damn appealing.

If I never posted again, I could’ve said:

* “I have multiple jobs.”

* “I have a new opportunity coming my way and that’s taking all my time.”

* “I decided to travel a lot and wanted to protect my peace.”

* “I decided to listen to what I preach and create space within my day.”

* “It just wasn’t growing my business the way I wanted it to.”

And that’s why I didn’t keep going.

Blah, blah, blah. I’m sure you skimmed through those excuses because they are BORING.

The reality is, I didn’t want to step into the spotlight of showcasing my biggest weakness - time management - and moving forward anyway. This is where the ACTION exists.

Excuses are very rational. They make so much sense to us but instead we need to look at the facts.

Moving forward is the scariest possible thing you could do for your body, brain, and nervous because we don’t somatically understand what happens on the other end of the step into the unknown.

Breaking the Freeze

Understanding why fear shows up is how I get over the fear of the action in front of me. Your brain wants to keep you safe, so any hit of fear or self-doubt tells you to stay in the space where you already understand what can happen.

Think the devil you know scenario.

Here’s the process, step by step on how to get out of the freeze and take the step:

* Recognize it. Notice when you feel fear before you try to explain it away.

* Feel it. Don’t skip past the sensation to get to the “fixing.”

* Break it down. Ask yourself directly - why am I afraid of this specific thing?

* Trace it. Find where that belief or story first came from in your life.

* Question the excuse. Rational-sounding reasons are still excuses if they’re protecting you from being seen.

* Ask the real question. Is this really the person I want to be at the end of the day?

If you’re stuck in the freeze between knowing and doing, this is the work I do 1:1 with high achievers and leaders helping them recognize fear-based patterns in real time and regulate their way through them, not around them.

It is the work I do and love to see people take scary steps that are life changing in more ways than one.

I love hearing your story and would love to connect - but for now! Choose the next step and play with these tools.

Lots of love,

Tia

FAQ

What is metaperception in psychology? Metaperception is the belief about how others perceive you — which is often inaccurate and shaped more by your own nervous system state than by actual feedback.

Why do we freeze before big decisions or public moments? The brain’s threat-detection system can flag social exposure or judgment as danger, triggering a fear response before you’ve consciously evaluated whether the threat is real.

How do I stop making decisions out of fear? Start by naming the fear specifically, tracing where the underlying belief came from, and asking whether your reasoning is fact-based or excuse-based before you decide.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

I’ve fallen into this trap where I believe that if I have more time, magically everything will fall into place and I’ll feel lighter. That thought usually shows up when I’m teaching, working multiple jobs, and don’t have a lot of time. And then when I do get the time?

Sometimes I fall into this existential dread of: I have so much time, why am I not doing more with it? Am I a failure? Should I be more busy? Should I be producing more?

For years, we’re taught to produce. We fall into a system of school where you need good grades to get into a profession that produces money in order to live the life we think we should be living.

Ah, the should.

The part that makes everyone move toward something in a manner that may not be true to yourself because someone told you that you have to work very, very, very hard to achieve this, **insert external goal here.**

I’m not judging you. I do it too even with as much as I know about the nervous system — but especially when I was younger, which is exactly why I talk about it now.

“I’ll have more fun when I make this much money.” “I’ll be set once I buy the multi-family.” That’s mine, by the way. You can steal it, but that’s mine. “Things will be good and I’ll relax once I’m married.” All the married people can laugh at that one. “Once the kids are grown, I’ll do the selfish thing I’ve always wanted to do for myself.”

The problem is the external validation never actually fucking works.

It never provides the happiness we deem it will because we always find another thing to fill the void within ourselves if we don’t face the void head on.

You know what this is called? Hedonic adaptation, sometimes coined the hedonic treadmill.

What Is Hedonic Adaptation?

It’s a concept psychologists Philip Brickman and Donald Campbell introduced all the way back in 1971. This shit has been happening forever - we’ve been running on the same nervous systems for thousands of years.

We’re just still learning how to work with them, because it’s our first time experiencing life every single day, and a new experience takes our body and nervous system a little time to understand.

Hedonic adaptation describes your brain’s capacity to build a new baseline every time we reach a pivotal moment tied to external validation.

A pay rise. A new house. A marriage. Even a baby. A compliment from the person you’ve been crushing on. Retirement.

You tell yourself I’ll be happy when... and then it happens. And you ARE happy - you get the dopamine hit, the rush, the high. That part is real, and I’m not taking it away from you.

But two weeks, two months, two years later, you’re like “wait, I don’t really care about that anymore.”

You’re not really at “baseline”. You DID experience a new high. But your threshold changed.

It’s exactly like weight training - you eventually have to lift heavier to burn the same calories you did the first time, because your body adapted. That adaptability is a beautiful thing. It’s genuinely cool but when it comes to happiness, it’s brutal, because we hit the new goal, we ride the high (fuck yeah, I just got a pay rise and life is going to be smooth sailing), and then a few weeks later, the existential dread creeps back in.

Bills are still bills. Dinner still needs to be made. The thing that annoyed you two weeks ago, is still annoying to you.

How rude huh??? But also kind of beautiful, when you look at it.

Our body and mind are adaptable. Capable to hold, preserve, and shift.

But when we’re chasing external goals, we’re never actually going to find true freedom or peace within ourselves because we’ll always meet that baseline again.

Freedom From vs. Freedom To

The terminology from The Gap and the Gain helped this click for me - freedom from vs. freedom to.

“Freedom from” is getting relief from external pressures. This is what we think will make us happy — the pay rise, the house, the promotion.

To be clear: it’s okay to still want those things. I’m clapping right now, picture me clapping in your face. I’m not the person telling you to suffer in poorness.

Fuck that.

Money is good and fun in the right hands. Keep the goals. What we’re trying to release is the ideal - the belief that you will only be happy once you reach that external thing.

Because when we’re only acting from external pressure, we’re not shifting anything internally. We’re not finding freedom or happiness where we actually live - inside ourselves.

“Freedom to” is the shift.

Finding internal happiness regardless of circumstance. Not toxic positivity, not “just be happy wherever.” Sometimes we get in our feelings, and that’s allowed - we’re trying to get better at feeling, not to feel better.

Freedom to is: how can I find the internal capacity to make choices I feel confident in - action-based, for my happiness, for what I actually want - instead of what everyone else thinks I should be doing?

I’m curious - pause here for a second.

What does freedom mean to you?

What would it feel like, in your body, in your brain, if you moved through life with this sensation?

Why It Matters: Expansion vs. Constriction

Somatically, this is where expansion vs. constriction comes in. When we shift from “from” to “to,” we shift our thoughts from constriction into expansion.

This will help you stop feeling so tethered to external factors, and opens you up to the possibility that happiness could exist right here, in this moment, instead of on the other side of a goal.

If you’re operating from an ideal - this timeline you set for your life, what it’s “supposed” to look like - you’re going to inherently feel behind.

Not as confident.

Not as validated.

I know this from personal experience. Nobody who’s done this mindset work walks around in expansion 24/7. This is a consistent practice in recognizing when you’ve slipped into constriction, and knowing how to shift back out.

Because we can be cognitively aware for YEARS and never truly embody the shift.

I create doers here. And we are creating capacity for your coolest life.

How to Apply This: 3 Ways to Practice Freedom To

1. Act based on what you want vs. what you need.

Remember the should from earlier? I should go to college. I should buy a house. I should get married. I should have a kid. Ask yourself how many times you’ve done something because you thought you should — for someone else, because society or your parents told you, because it was “cool.”

To be clear - I’m not talking about basic decency. That shit’s non-negotiable; a little kindness goes a long way. I’m talking about the big life choices made on someone else’s timeline. I’ve watched people walk into marriages because they thought that’s just what you do at a certain age. We all make mistakes - but that’s two people not actually choosing their own happiness. And if you’re not choosing yours, no one who interacts with you gets the best version of you, and you will begin to impact theirs.

Next time a decision brings up anxiety, ask yourself: is this what I want, or do I feel the need to do this because of someone else’s opinion?

2. Next time you complain, try to turn it around.

Ask: what is this situation teaching me? This is NOT toxic positivity. I’m not saying slap a smile on and call it gratitude. I’m talking about looking at your life as lessons instead of shortcomings.

Real example: you’re rushing out the door and your bag hooks on the doorframe, everything spills out. You can go one of two ways. “This always happens to me, the universe is against me, I have somewhere to be.” Or did you sit on the couch scrolling for twenty extra minutes instead of getting ready??? And if you’d started five minutes earlier, you’d have walked out instead of run out. Zero backed data here, but I’d guess maybe 10% of what happens to you is genuinely random, and 90% you actually had some hand in.

Where could your preparation have shifted the moment? What decisions brought you to where you are?

3. My delusional suggestion of the day - approach each day with the physical embodiment of the happiest day of your life.

Bear…

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

Life has brought me up to the mountain tops and down to the pits of hell within two days of each other this week and ya know what, that’s just kind of what happens sometimes.

On Thursday I was quite literally standing on the Cliffs of Moher watching the sunrise with humans I had shared a phenomenal week with. Friday morning I was back in Boston teaching an amazing yoga class and then doing a content shoot for a friend’s brand. Saturday I had a fever, body aches, couldn’t get off the couch or keep my eyes open longer than 20 min at a time.

But we are back baby because this beautifully healthy body told me what I needed, I responded, and now I’m back into the swing of my beautifully full life.

Which brings me to one of our Friday Feel Goods, because I needed the reminder and I figured you could too.

What Is “This Is Happening For Me, Not To Me”?

It’s a reframe — a one-line mental tool you use in the moment something feels hard, unfair, or heavy. Instead of asking “why is this happening to me,” you flip it to “why is this happening for me.” Same event. Completely different nervous system response.

I like to teach you how to grab life by the balls confidently.

I do not like to teach you how to sit back and wallow in self-pity, thinking the world is passing you by and you’re not actively a part of it.

I don’t want you to fall victim to the tricks your brain likes to play on you. And if you feel like you are falling victim, start using this quote daily:

“This is happening for me, not to me.”

I use it every day.

Why It Matters

The way we can deeply, truly shift our nervous system all starts with belief.

We have to believe we are capable of doing so. And even further, we have to believe we deserve to live a life that isn’t chaos-filled and reaction-based.

Now - there’s a difference between busy and chaotic. And sometimes that doesn’t even look like a calendar change, but simply how we show up in it.

Shifting your subconscious belief from “why does this happen to me?” to “the things in my universe are working for me” is going to unlock a dimension of reality and relief you most likely have never experienced before.

It’s beautiful, eye-opening, magically wonderful - when you shift your view of your life without shifting anything else within it.

The neuroscience behind it: this isn’t just a feel-good phrase. Reappraisal — the practice of deliberately reinterpreting a stressful event — has been shown in brain-imaging research to engage the prefrontal cortex in a way that helps regulate amygdala activity, the brain’s threat-detection center based on a meta-analysis of human neuroimaging studies on cognitive reappraisal. In plain terms: how you interpret a hard moment isn’t just a mindset thing, it’s a nervous system thing. Your brain builds new pathways every time you choose the reframe.

How to Apply This

This is one of the first tools I work with on clients, and unsurprisingly, it’s usually still one of the last things I work on with them. Because this takes time.

* Notice the moment. When something feels heavy, that’s your cue — not to spiral, but to pause.

* Say it out loud or in your head: “this is happening for me, not to me.”

* Ask yourself: “what can I learn from this?”

* Choose your response. You have a choice in how you partake - that’s the whole point.

* Repeat. Every time you use it, that reappraisal muscle gets stronger.

I know, I know, I know. If I’m speaking to you and you’re like “Tia I am going through a TIME and I am TIRED of the lessons” - I have been there SO many times.

But how you show up in these lessons is when shifts start to happen. You have to be present and consciously making the decision to respond to these moments.

And eventually the hard stuff starts to roll off your back. Masochistically enough, you start to welcome challenges, because you’ll understand that’s where the breakthrough lies.

So next time something feels heavy, remind yourself: “this is happening for me, not to me.” You have a choice in how you partake. And then ask yourself, “what can I learn from this?”

Looking at your place in the world as wonder rather than resentment is going to shift your day - which turns into weeks, which turns into years - in a way you never thought possible.

Lots of love,

Tia

Is “this is happening for me, not to me” just toxic positivity? No - it’s not about pretending things don’t suck. It’s about choosing what you do with the moment instead of staying stuck in victimhood. The hard feeling is still allowed.

How long does it take for this mindset shift to actually work? Longer than you want it to. This is usually one of the first tools I introduce to clients and one of the last that fully clicks - it’s a practice, not a switch.

What’s the difference between being busy and being chaotic? Busy is a calendar problem. Chaotic is a nervous system problem - it’s about how you’re showing up inside your life, not how full it looks on paper.

Ready to shift how your nervous system responds to hard moments? If this hit home, let’s talk - whether that’s 1:1 coaching or bringing this work to your team or stage. [Book a coaching call] or [Inquire about speaking].

Help spread the world and brighten up someones day!

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

If we are constantly still reacting, even if we know all the tools, then we aren’t exactly integrating nor creating a better life. We’ve just become a know-it-all and a preacher instead of an actual doer.

I create doers here. I don’t let life pass me by and I’m not letting you either.

So here’s how to regulate in the moment when something truly just pisses you off, and you no longer want to be an angry person. This came from a Threads question about road rage, let me tell you - as an Italian Bostonian, this one’s personal.

What Is Regulating In the Moment?

Regulating in the moment means catching your nervous system’s reaction while it’s happening… not an hour later when you’re journaling about it, not in therapy next Tuesday. It’s the difference between knowing regulation theory and actually being a regulated person.

We want to lead by example, not by presentation.

Why It Matters

I posted on Threads asking “what do you actually want to know about regulation?” Someone said: “how do I regulate in the moment - like in moments of road rage.”

A long time ago, I realized how insane and toxic it was to be upset all the time over someone else’s actions, actions I truly had no control over. So I have set out on a mission to fix this.

And for those who are thinking “it’s okay to be a little pissy sometimes- take a look at this and maybe you will take this seriously: Harvard-affiliated researchers found that the risk of heart attack was roughly five times higher in the two hours following an outburst of anger. Your rage in traffic isn’t just annoying, it’s a cardiovascular event waiting to happen.

So here’s how you actually learn to regulate, instead of just knowing you should.

1. Recognize the Problem Area

If you’re in a fight with someone, are you letting your emotions control the show? Or are you sticking to the facts? With road rage specifically, could it have possibly been your fault? Or is someone just not paying attention? Did someone say something hurtful? Or are you just having a shitty day and a little thing set you off? WHAT is happening. Ground yourself in the reality of a situation so you can at least find the root cause of the problem.

2. Remember What You Can Control

If someone is driving like a d!ck, you cannot pull them over and say “you’re being rude and endangering the lives of others.” Unless you’re a cop, go off my dude.

What you can control is your own driving and your own response.

When I catch myself thinking longer than 30 seconds about someone else’s actions that technically have zero effect on me, I ask one question:

Do I want to spend my life upset over what other people choose to do? No. I do not.

We have to remember we are the creator of our reality. Free will is pretty sweet if we learn how to harness it.

Anger manifests physically in your body as stress and sickness, and maybe I’m a bit superficial, but I want to be hot and live a long life.

So… I stay away from that stuff. I am not saying it doesn’t happen and there are definitely times where recognizing my anger is beneficial to relationships, but sometimes it’s just not necessary.

This next part is delusional, but it worked: I started making up scenarios to excuse people’s driving. “Wow, they must really have to pee.” Or “I hope his wife makes it to the hospital in time to deliver the baby.”

If all else fails, be ~delusional~.

3. Pause Before Projecting

If a conversation isn’t going your way - and you feel the anger, the hurt, the pettiness building - take a pause. It’s okay if the other person doesn’t like some silence. That’s on their dysregulation to figure out. We are all doing our best here.

Learning to pause before you project is going to save you, and everyone you’re dealing with, a lot of anger and dissatisfaction.

That pause deflates neuroception - a term coined by Dr. Stephen Porges as part of Polyvagal Theory. It’s your nervous system’s unconscious ability to constantly scan your internal and external environment for cues of safety, danger, or threat.

When you pause and reflect back to your body that “this is simply a disagreement” you interrupt a body trying to protect you from something that isn’t actually dangerous. Your language becomes a boundary you throw up to deflect what you perceive as a threat. But a disagreement isn’t going to kill you. It might insult you, it might hurt, but you are not actually in danger and therefore do not need to escalate it with a reactionary statement.

Now, I am human, you are human - if you are not human and somehow listening to this, hit me up because that would lead me on a completely different career path - so sometimes you do say inflammatory comments. It happens. We go back to step number 1 here, recognize the problem area. Was it necessary to say that? Did it come from facts or emotions?

Your Body Is a Science Experiment

Every time you catch yourself mid-reaction and choose the pause instead, you are rewiring pathways that will allow you to choose peace over chaos. That’s you learning what your specific nervous system needs. It’s not one size fits all, and it won’t click the first try. That’s fine. Keep experimenting and TRYING.

If you’re tired of knowing all the tools and still reacting the same way, that’s exactly what we build in 1:1 coaching - the actual muscle of in-the-moment regulation, not just the theory. [Book a totally free coaching call] or [inquire about having me speak on nervous system regulation] for your team or event.

Lots of love,

Tia

Email me at: [email protected]

FAQ

How do I stop road rage in the moment? Recognize whether you’re reacting to facts or emotion, remind yourself their driving isn’t yours to control, and pause before you respond — even for 10 seconds.

What is neuroception and why does it matter for regulation? Neuroception is your nervous system’s automatic scan for safety or danger, a term coined by Dr. Stephen Porges. Understanding it helps you recognize when your body is overreacting to something that isn’t a real threat.

Can you actually learn to regulate in the moment, or does it take years? You can start practicing immediately — it’s a skill, not a personality trait. It gets easier with repetition, not perfection.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

I’m trying something a little different with this one, shorter, quicker, more of a “here’s a tool I actually use” than a full teardown. So let’s get into it: a concept I call black coffee.

I didn’t invent this. I wish I could take credit, but somewhere along the way, I picked it up, and it’s stuck with me. If you’re the original source, come find me. I’ll shout you out to my micro (but growing!) audience.

Here’s the concept, and here’s why it matters more than it sounds like it should.

What Is the Black Coffee Method?

The Black Coffee Method is a language check for catching yourself mid-spiral, when you’re describing your life - or your future - only in terms of what you don’t want.

Picture it: you walk into a coffee shop and tell the barista, “I don’t want black coffee.” Cool. Now what? The barista doesn’t know what to make you. There are thousands of drinks that aren’t black coffee. Telling them what you’re rejecting gives them nothing to work with.

That’s what it sounds like when you say “I don’t want to be miserable anymore” or “I don’t want to be doing this job in 10 years.”

True, probably. Also useless as direction. You’ve told the universe - or your own nervous system, or whoever’s taking the order - everything you’re avoiding and nothing you’re aiming for.

My Story: The Decade I Spent Ordering Black Coffee

I spent a good chunk of my 20s in a genuinely dark place. Looking back, I think the only reason I didn’t spiral further down than I did was dance. I had to move my body every single day, no negotiating. It gave my nervous system somewhere to go that wasn’t just round and round in my own head.

Since then I’ve spent a lot of time studying the subconscious mind, the nervous system, and how much power our language actually has.

Power I think we’ve collectively lost touch with, because we’re more focused on saying things that get attention rather than saying things that are true.

That’s where black coffee came from. My husband and I built it as a code word for each other. If I catch myself saying “I don’t want to go back to my full-time job,” or “I don’t want to still be here in 10 years” one of us will just say it: black coffee.

That’s it. That’s the whole intervention. It breaks the pattern. We recognize we are focusing on the path of resistance, rather than the path that will help us move forward.

And it works, because it forces the follow-up question: okay, so what do I want instead?

The Research Behind “Approach” vs. “Avoidance” Goals

This isn’t just a cute metaphor, it maps onto real, well-documented psychology. Researchers distinguish between approach goals (moving toward something you want) and avoidance goals (moving away from something you don’t want). Multiple studies in motivation psychology have found that avoidance-framed goals are consistently linked to lower wellbeing, more anxiety, and worse follow-through than approach-framed goals because “away from” doesn’t give your brain a clear target to organize behavior around.

In plain language: when your internal (or spoken) script is all “I don’t want this,” you’re not giving yourself, or your nervous system, a destination. You’re just narrating the exit with no map to anywhere else.

Essentially you are free falling into the void.

Key insight to keep with you: Naming what you don’t want is a valid, important first step. It becomes a problem when it’s the only step.

How to Apply This: 3 Steps to Break the “I Don’t Want” Loop

* Catch the phrase. Notice when “I don’t want...” shows up in your own head or out loud. You don’t have to judge it, just notice it.

* Say your black coffee. Literally, or your version of it. Name it out loud to yourself or to someone close to you: “I’m doing the thing again.”

* Ask the follow-up question immediately. “Okay… so what do I actually want instead?” You don’t need the full answer right away. Even a rough, half-formed direction is more useful to your nervous system than another lap around what you’re avoiding. It could be the exact inverse of the sentence. But take the don’t and turn it into a do.

This isn’t about toxic positivity or banning the word “don’t.” It’s about noticing when avoidance language has become the entire conversation, and giving yourself somewhere else to go.

Naming what you don’t want is easy.

Building the language, and the nervous system capacity, to name what you do want, and actually move toward it, is the harder, slower work. That’s the work I do with clients 1:1 and in retreats. If you’re ready to stop ordering black coffee and figure out your actual order, let’s connect!

Lots of love,

Tia

Let’s be besties and support each other.

FAQ

Is the Black Coffee Method a form of manifestation? It overlaps with manifestation language, but you don’t need to believe in “the universe” for it to work. It’s grounded in real approach-vs-avoidance goal research, the mechanism is your own brain and behavior, not a cosmic order form.

What if I genuinely don’t know what I want yet? That’s normal, and you don’t need a fully formed answer. Start smaller: “I don’t know exactly what I want, but I want to feel less trapped” is still an approach statement — it points somewhere, even if it’s vague.

How is this different from just “thinking positive”? Toxic positivity tells you to ignore what’s wrong. This method doesn’t ask you to stop noticing what you don’t want — it just asks you not to stop there.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

I put out a post on Threads asking what people actually want when it comes to nervous system regulation. Because I could talk shit all day long here, but if it doesn’t HELP you, it doesn’t matter.

One woman wrote back: “Understanding emotions as a language. What they’re trying to communicate, how to respond in a way that promotes regulation rather than fueling the spiral.”

I love this because who here has been in an argument and had zero idea what the person in front of you was trying to say?

Then they get frustrated.

You get frustrated that they’re frustrated.

Now you’re both pissed off because no one’s speaking the same language anymore and the day ends in an argument no one signed up for.

This isn’t uncommon but it is one of the most important practices we can master, as long as we give ourselves patience and practice it with others.

What happens here is someone gets emotionally flooded mid-conversation, their nervous system has essentially “hijacked” their rational brain.

Recognizing this, and staying regulated yourself, is the difference between a fight and a resolution - but how do we understand what is happening to the person in front of us in real time?

What Is Neurological Hijacking?

When the person in front of you is heated, two things help:

* You understand what’s happening in their nervous system.

* You don’t match their escalation.

Here’s what’s happening in their brain. When emotions take the wheel instead of logic, that’s neurological hijacking. Very scientific here.

I love a good action movie, so entertain me with this analogy.

Picture your brain as the opening scene.

The prefrontal cortex is the skilled driver of an submarine. Inside the submarine is your judgment, your logic, and your ability to think clearly under pressure.

Then, out of nowhere, hijackers ambush the submarine.

The leader is the amygdala.

The leader (amygdala) doesn’t ask, “Is this actually dangerous?” It sees a threat and takes the wheel, shoving the driver aside.

The mission has changed. The sonar which holds your long-term goals, environmental understanding, gets completely ignored and your rational thinking is abandoned.

The only objective now is survival with no experience behind the wheel. We are grasping.

The amygdala puts everything into emergency mode:

* Engine revs higher (heart rate spikes)

* Fuel diverts to the engine (blood rushes to your muscles)

* Comms shut down (digestion, creativity, complex thought go offline)

* Every alarm starts blaring

Meanwhile, the prefrontal cortex, your trained strategist, hasn’t disappeared. It’s just zip-tied in the back seat.

That’s neurological hijacking.

Here’s the thing: the hijackers aren’t evil. In the movie, they think what they are doing is for the GREATER GOOD. They’re trying to keep you alive with the information they have. The problem is they’re running an outdated playbook.

To the amygdala, a tense conversation can look a lot like life-threatening danger. Now how do we essentially armor our submarine with better support?

Why This Matters

Nervous system regulation. Every slow breath, every grounding exercise, every reminder that you’re safe loosens the restraints on the prefrontal cortex. The alarms quiet. The strategist climbs back into the driver’s seat. The mission gets back on course.

The goal isn’t to eliminate the work of the amygdala. We need it to keep us alive. It’s our alert system. The goal is making sure it doesn’t hijack our processing center every time someone or something upsets us.

This isn’t just relationship advice, it’s biology that affects us in every aspect of our lives.

Research has found an inverse relationship between amygdala and prefrontal cortex activity: the more activated your amygdala gets, the less activated your prefrontal cortex becomes. When emotions run high, blood and oxygen shift away from the part of your brain responsible for clear thinking.

You’re not imagining it when a conversation suddenly feels impossible. Your partner’s brain, or yours, is running on fumes simply grasping for whatever will keep you afloat, rather than what is the best way to move forward.

How to Talk to Someone Who’s Dysregulated

Best advice I’ve ever gotten: treat these interactions like you’re talking to a two-year-old. Or maybe you are??? Assume the person in front of you doesn’t know what they’re saying, and neither do you.

This happened to me last night with my husband. We went for a couples massage 🤤 and right after, he started telling about something that came up for him while he was on the table.

He specifically used the word “entangled” in regards to larger concepts and I was NOT following. He was getting pretty frustrated with my response and I genuinely had to check myself so… I went back to the toddler concept.

When a toddler doesn’t have the words for what they’re feeling and get frustrated, the shutdown on their end may look like:

* A temper tantrum

* Isolation

* Anger

* Defeated tears

Adults do this too. We just forgot that we are working with the same system as a toddler, and although we would hope a little more knowledge, that’s not always the case.

So how do you talk to someone who’s dysregulated?

First: sometimes you have to be the regulated one. Full stop.

We live in a selfish culture and if someone doesn’t naturally slot into our lives, we cancel them. But sometimes people just need guidance and a little love. So even when you want to be the toddler who shuts down, you have to be the one who guides the conversation toward regulating BOTH of you.

All of these will take deep levels of self-awareness, which if you stick around here - you’ll be a pro.

Steps to Listen to Emotions as a Language

* Listen without judgment. When my husband first told me what he was experiencing, I was tired and thought “what the hell is he talking about?” Then I caught myself judging him through my own somatic lens, which is nothing like his and took a step back.

* Notice your physical reaction. If you flinch or tense up or pull a face, remind yourself: they’re allowed to feel things too. Even if we don’t like it.

If understanding how you physically manifest dissatisfaction is new to you:

* Say you’re processing. You don’t owe an instant response, but you do owe them a form of communication. I get SO aggravated when my husband goes quiet, which used to send us down a dark path because I’d assume he was ignoring me. Now we use a filler phrase: “I don’t have an answer to that right now.” That’s it. It helps me understand he is listening, and it helps him process. Not everything has to be immediate, it’s okay to take time.

* Ask clarifying questions the second things start sounding foreign. It helps you understand what they are trying to get at and it helps them sharpen what they’re actually trying to say. Open ended clarifying questions (why, how, where, when) invite more opportunity for explanation. Closed questions get a yes or no to solidify.

* Detach from the outcome. You can’t predict anyone’s emotions, no matter how well you know them. Stay present and care enough to reach a resolution, but stop trying to steer toward the outcome you want.

When someone’s deeply dysregulated, they might get annoyed by all the over-communicating. Stay gentle. Stay open. They’ll come around.

The goal: help them find the root, then work on choosing a path forward.

If this pattern shows up in your relationships, or you want to go deeper on nervous system regulation, that’s the work I do 1:1. [Book a coaching session], or reach out about having me speak on this at your next event.

Lots of love,

Tia

Email me at: [email protected]

FAQ

What is neurological hijacking? It’s when the amygdala, your brain’s threat detector, overrides the prefrontal cortex, your logic and judgment center, causing emotional reactions instead of rational ones.

How do I stay regulated when someone else is dysregulated? Listen without judgment, notice your own physical reactions, ask clarifying questions, and detach from controlling the outcome. Your regulation helps co-regulate them.

Why do I shut down or get angry during arguments? Your nervous system perceives a threat, even an emotional one, and triggers fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. It’s not a character flaw. It’s biology, and it’s workable.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

This article could have gone one of two ways.

I could have written about how chronic stress leads to injury. How the more you listen to your body and respond appropriately, the less potential there is for you to end up hurt.

And honestly, that would have been a great article. I probably will do that one day.

But a recent conversation I had lead me to this path instead. The despair you feel when you’re injured and can’t function in your normal range of life. The mental battle of being knocked sideways by your own body and feeling betrayed by your physical capabilities.

Because that shit is hard to get through.

The whole reason I started learning about the body, which turned into the nervous system, which turned into everything I do now, is because I was a high-level dancer who was constantly injured.

Not your typical banged up once in a while and exhausted from hours of movement injured. I mean I got cortisone-shots-in-both-hips-at-17 injured. I tore a disc in my spine at 20 that haunted me for years because they kept misdiagnosing me. A fractured foot I danced on for seven months before I let it rest. And to round it out, a dislocated knee - twice - in the span of a year.

Some of those injuries left me in bed for days and out of my routine for weeks, even months, or for my back - a few years of not knowing the real problem. The mental battles that came with them were heavy and nobody could help me through that, except myself.

So here’s what I actually did to regulate my nervous system while I was dealing with injuries that left me feeling debilitated.

What Is Nervous System Regulation During Injury?

Nervous system regulation is your body’s ability to move between activation (fight-or-flight) and recovery (rest-and-digest). When you’re injured, your nervous system can get stuck on high alert (in the sympathetic nervous system). It reads the pain as a threat signal and keeps your body flooded with stress hormones. That’s why you can’t sleep. Why you’re irritable. Why everything feels more hopeless than it probably is.

I mean when I messed up my back, I was truly laying in bed wondering “is this it?!”.

Regulating your nervous system during injury means intentionally creating conditions where your body feels safe enough to stop fighting and start healing.

When your nervous system is stuck in sympathetic overdrive (fight or flight), your body is prioritizing perceived danger over repair. I know when you’re in pain, your first thought is to be out of it.

But this isn’t about rushing the process of healing. It’s about finding patience within it. Slowing down enough to let your body do what it already knows how to do - heal.

Your body is a science experiment and it WANTS to fix you. But if you are constantly in an activated state, it will start fighting you to keep you alive.

How to Regulate Your Nervous System While Injured

1. Remind yourself that nothing lasts forever.

Get it tattooed if you have to. There is always an answer. Sometimes it doesn’t come as fast as you want it to but this injury will not last forever. Anchoring yourself to that truth and actually sitting with it, is one of the most underrated nervous system tools there is.

2. Get outside. Even for five minutes.

One of the first things I encourage clients to do after an injury to add into their routine is to step outside. Fresh air, natural light, a few quiet minutes where you’re not staring at your ceiling or your phone are crucial. Research shows that natural environments lower sympathetic nervous system activation and support the shift toward rest-and-recover mode, which will ultimately allow you body to speed up the healing process. Five minutes outside can start that shift.

An amazing documentary that you can watch for free!! Is The Earthing Movie. If you are not familiar with grounding techniques, this is something I have incorporated into my practice. 10 out of 10.

3. Move your body in SOME capacity.

When I dislocated my knee, I did upper body work. When I hurt my back, yin yoga was my best friend. It doesn’t have to look like your “normal routine” - it’s not one size fits all. But if you don’t use it, you lose it. And by “it,” I mean your mental sanity. Movement, even modified movement, sends a signal to your nervous system that you’re still here, still capable, still okay.

If you’ve ever been injured, you know that particular feeling of your body betraying you. And it SUCKS.

But I promise, it’s not betrayal. It’s just a different way of speaking to you and gives you a lot of insight into how you are living your life. Where there may be pieces anatomically you need to improve, where you could dial it back.

As I said, your body is a science experiment and sometimes an injury gives you parameters.

If this landed and you’re realizing your body has been trying to tell you something for a while, that’s worth paying attention to. I mean we only have one of them anyways.

I work with clients 1:1 to understand what their nervous system is communicating and build practical tools for regulation, recovery, and actually feeling even better than you could of possibly imagined. [Book a 1:1 connection here.]

Lots of love,

Tia

Why does injury feel so mentally devastating, even when the pain is manageable? Because your nervous system doesn’t separate physical threat from emotional threat. An injury activates the same stress-response pathways as any perceived danger — keeping you in fight-or-flight even when you’re physically safe on your couch. The mental weight is real, and it’s neurological.

Can regulating my nervous system actually support physical healing? Yes. Chronic stress and sympathetic nervous system activation direct your body’s resources toward survival rather than repair. Shifting into a parasympathetic state through nature exposure, gentle movement, and mindset anchors creates the internal conditions where healing becomes possible. It’s not about speeding up the process - it’s about not getting in the way of it.

What’s the first thing to do when an injury derails your routine? Get outside. Before you modify your workout plan, before you spiral about your timeline - five minutes of fresh air and natural light is one of the most accessible tools for shifting your nervous system toward safety.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

“Death is without a doubt, my biggest fear.” She said through a choked-up throat and blurry eyes.

This was in a conversation with a co-worker. And unsurprisingly, I doubt she’s the only one who has this fear at the forefront of her mind.

I mean, your brain’s entire job is to keep you alive to avoid the one thing that’s absolutely inevitable for all of us - dying - so it makes sense that you’d inherently be afraid of it.

Her reasoning was she’s afraid of her kids having to live a life without her.

Fucking valid. That would suck.

But I think it goes deeper for many people. They’re afraid to live unapologetically while they’re here, and that’s what they’re really afraid of isn’t death itself, but dying unfulfilled.

“Not enough time. Not enough money.”

The most common excuse as to why something can’t be done.

There is never enough time. We need to learn to get over that and find a way to enjoy the time we have here. But how do we do that when there’s this impending doom over a majority of the world thinking we’re doing it “wrong”?

IT as in life. And WRONG as in we’ve missed our chance to live a life fulfilled.

Now, I am not sitting here saying “I’d love to die.”

But I know if I passed tomorrow, I would be very proud of the life I’ve lived.

So how do we get over the fear of death and focus on the joy of life instead? The age-old question that will truly help you make the most of your time here.

Ram Dass put it best:

What else can better prepare you to die than the way you live? The game is to be where you are – honestly, consciously, and as fully as you know how.

What Is Fear of Living?

Fear of living is when the fear of dying unfulfilled becomes so loud that it stops you from actually doing the things that would make your life feel full. It shows up as overthinking, avoidance, and a constant loop of “what if” that keeps you stuck in wanting instead of doing.

The ultimate goal here is to be present in your life, so you can make decisions from a space of safety and confidence - rather than moving from a state of fear.

I run retreats for part of my living, and holy shit, it’s so fun to show people that their fear of an event is usually WAY scarier than the actual doing of the event.

The Science of the Brain Behind Fear

Before we get into the emotional side of fear and what’s holding us back, let’s look at the brain structure behind it. What’s actually happening when you process fear??

The amygdala (commonly nicknamed the lizard brain, though that’s a simplification more than a precise model) scans for threats and triggers panic when it’s trying to keep you safe. This is the part that says “buckle up we are heading into fight or flight".”

Your hippocampus (sounds like a really cool band name) encodes memories from past experiences so your brain can recognize threats going forward.

Your prefrontal cortex is the decision-maker. It’s also the logical part of your brain that weighs risk, anticipates future events, and creates conscious which sometimes leads to existential dread.

Here’s the catch: the prefrontal cortex gets really fuzzy and essentially goes on vacation when you’re in fight-or-flight, triggered by the amygdala.

The goal is to create a space, and different neural plasticity, where the fight or flight is not as easily accessible in your body.

When your brain feels safe, your prefrontal cortex can do it’s job and bring rationality into the mix to help anxiety fall behind.

Why It Matters

If your prefrontal cortex shuts off every time fear shows up, you never get to the part of your brain that can actually evaluate whether the fear is rational. You stay stuck reacting instead of deciding. That’s how “I want to” turns into “I never did,” year after year, until the fear of an unlived life actually becomes an unlived life.

So, how do we get over the fear of living so we’re no longer afraid of dying unfulfilled?

I’m going to approach this like I have tattoos in my life recently, so bear with me.

I have 6 tattoos, technically 7, because one of them is a cover-up.

3 were very thoughtfully planned out. The others... well, I just said one was a cover-up, so I think you get where I’m going with this.

In my late teens and early twenties, I’d get them done on a whim. None of them are truly outrageous, but it was a fun little thing I did because you know… I wantd to be ~different~.

When you’re that age, to bring the brain back in, your prefrontal cortex isn’t fully developed yet. You struggle with this thing called compounding time and don’t truly understand the longevity factor.

Anyways, I got a lot of tattoos I probably shouldn’t have, but it’s okay, I’ve made peace with that.

NOW when it comes to tattoos, I won’t get one until I’ve sat on the thought for at least a year. There’s one I’m sitting on for 5 years. This is to make sure future me won’t need to spend more money on the cover up because my prefrontal cortex went out to lunch and I needed to feel alive by putting a little permanent marking on my body.

Now when I get a tattoo, I am confident it is something I truly want.

So how does this tie into our fear of living??? When we’re making decisions about how to live without fear, it’s just not possible. Fear is there to keep us ALIVE, remember?!

But we can learn how to mitigate the fear of living through analysis and finding confidence in our decision making abilities.

How to Apply This: A Step-by-Step Exercise

This is for the WANTERs looking to become a DOER.

I recently almost caught myself in the wanting trap and stopped myself from living because of the fear of an outcome that COULD happen, but was in no way guaranteed TO happen.

So, a little exercise, if you will.

Think about something you’ve wanted to do for a long time but have always somehow talked yourself out of. This could be as big as “I want to go on a month-long trip” or as small as “I want to apply for a new job, but I’m afraid of rejection” or “I want to say hi to that person I think is really cute.”

Once you’ve got it, let’s go on a little journey together.

* Think of the worst possible scenario that could happen. My husband hates this about me, because when we go on a “risky” adventure, I look up how many people have died doing it. I call it being prepared. He calls me crazy. I just like to know ALL the outcomes. There is only one absolute worse case scenario, and we’ve already kind of uncovered why we are afraid of it (death) so give me another one.

* Back that up with evidence as to why it will happen to you. I bet you can’t say with certainty that it will. There is nothing 100% certain in this life. (Except you uplevel­ing your life by reading this.) But give yourself the evidence that it will absolutely happen to you. I’ll wait.

* Write down all the amazing things that COULD happen if you tried this. I call this delusional dreaming, best case scenario, and then some. There will be MANY so keep writing, or listing them in your head.

* Write down all the evidence of why best-case scenarios have happened in your life before. One time my mom took me to NYC and said, “Tia, you get nothing in life for free, especially in New York City.” That night, a guy gave me a slice of pizza for free. Take that, Mom. I didn’t believe her. I believed there are good people out there, and if you treat people kindly, I promise 90% of people will treat you kindly back.

* Then, just go do the damn thing. We need repetition to get over fear. I don’t care if that looks like bringing your bestie to hold your hand or workshopping something before you send it. Just do it and you will quickly realize that the fear of DOING the thing was actually harder than the action.

This is how we retrain our subconscious to believe possibility is out there for us, and that life is meant to be lived, not spent worrying about what happens when we’re in the ground.

We can retrain our brain, but sometimes we need to train it to see the good by catastrophizing the bad first. Then showing ourselves that the good is actually more present in the day-to-day than we think.

Our brain…

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

Last week I spent a good chunk of my time staring at my screen saying “what the f** am I supposed to do next??”

My schedule was beyond packed.

I work full time. I take on 1:1 clients (come work with me! Your life will transform.) I plan epic retreats. I teach classes outside of my full-time job in the mornings and evenings. I speak in other people’s co-horts and on stages. I’m building a women’s collaborative network in Boston. And, I think the most important component, I really want to be an attentive wife.

After I taught a yoga class on Wednesday night I was WIRED laying in bed. Luckily my husband let me brain dump and just speak my truth.

By Thursday morning, I had a plan of action. I moved some meetings around. I cancelled some things on myself, one of which was filming this podcast twice a week and making it weekly instead.

I gave myself grace and didn’t let myself fall into the pit of despair and paralysis that it will never grow because I am not grinding into the ground.

When I started The Regulation Revolution, I did it because I realized I wasn’t the only one who has a full life that sometimes can get ahead of themselves. It is hard to not spiral into your own mind. And your body will respond in ways that drag you down if you don’t intervene.

I know in my heart of hearts that it is hard out there, but with the right tips and tricks - life can be pretty fucking epic.

What REALLY Is Overwhelm??

Overwhelm isn’t just having too much to do. It’s what happens when your nervous system hits capacity and your brain can no longer triage effectively. The result is that frozen, screen-staring, what the f** am I supposed to do next feeling.

This is a physiological state, not a personal failure. So shut up and compliment yourself right now.

When your system is overloaded, your prefrontal cortex - the part responsible for planning and decision-making - goes offline. You’re not being weak or disorganized. You’re dysregulated and good news is, we can fix that.

The Overwhelm Reality Check

Your Nervous System Cannot Plan From Threat Mode

Research in cognitive neuroscience consistently shows that chronic stress impairs executive function - the brain’s ability to prioritize, sequence, and make decisions. When your cortisol is elevated and your system is in a threat response, you are biologically less capable of organizing your workload.

What does that mean???

You are not failing at time management, your brain is essentially short circuiting.

That distinction matters, because the solution isn’t to push harder. It’s to bring yourself down to baseline regulation first, then plan.

And when you understand the pattern of this coming up, you will be able to catch yourself from the spiral and recalculate.

So here is exactly what I did to stop myself from the spiral of ~despair~.

Step 1: Reframe to the Big Picture

I stopped looking at the week as a massive pile of tasks and asked myself one question: what is my actual goal by the end of this week?

Not everything on the list NEEDED to be completed. I just needed one north star.

Step 2: Move the Things That Don’t Serve the Goal

I looked at what was on my calendar that week and asked whether it was moving me toward that goal or further away from it.

A few things were not.

I didn’t delete them and moved them to the following week.

Out of the week, not out of my life. That difference matters for your nervous system because it likes structure and plans. This can be confused with procrastination, but it is not. It is delegating time for a project where you can focus on it

Step 3: Ask Yourself What You’re Making Harder

I kept asking myself: I can do hard things but what am I making harder for myself?

This is recognizing your ego.

Was I really going to let a podcast about nervous system regulation wreck me?! No. Not around here partner. We practice what we preach.

This will bring your prefrontal cortex back online and interrupt the threat loop.

Step 4: Move Your Body for 20 Minutes

Not a full workout. Twenty minutes. Some days it looks like 10 Min. That’s it!!!

Research from Princeton University found that exercise actually reorganizes the brain to reduce stress reactivity, meaning movement doesn’t just feel good in the moment, it trains your nervous system to respond to threat differently over time. Twenty minutes or ten minutes isn’t nothing.

Sometimes regulation looks like slowing down and breathing. But sometimes, especially when you’re anxious and activated, you need to shake it out. Movement metabolizes the stress hormones your body has been producing. It is not optional when you’re this activated. It is the medicine.

Step 5: Give Yourself Grace OUT LOUD

I forced myself to say one thing I was proud of accomplishing that day. I said one thing I was grateful for. And then I let the rest go.

Not forever. Just for that day.

This is not toxic positivity. This is a deliberate pattern interrupt that signals to your nervous system that you are safe, that something went right today, and that you do not need to stay in alert mode tonight.

The Permission Slip Nobody Gives You

Delegation isn’t failure.

Cancelling something isn’t giving up.

Moving a task to next week isn’t falling behind.

It is how you protect your capacity so you can show up for the things that actually matter.

Like your friends, the work your love, your kids, your family.

Overwhelm lives in the gap between what your schedule demands and what your nervous system can hold. The goal isn’t to do everything. The goal is to stay regulated while doing the important things well.

That’s it. That’s the whole point.

Lots of love,

Tia

I LOVE doing one to one work and if this interests you, shoot me a message! Let’s have a genuine conversation about things you may be struggling with and the life you want to live.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

I’m going to be very real here. I recently caught myself judging someone for talking about their accomplishments.

I was sitting at lunch and the person I was with was going on and on about all these amazing things, and I was getting more and more agitated with what she was saying. At one point I looked over to my husband and with the, “alright, I get it” look. And his response checked me back into reality.

I was being unkind.

I took a step back and asked myself: was I actually annoyed with her? Was I jealous? Or was I overstimulated and just not in a very open state?

It was the latter.

I am not here to tell you to never be annoyed with someone if they are genuinely being overbearing, but I wasn’t being kind, and I had to ask myself: is this a me problem?

Truthfully, it was. It was totally a me problem.

Because this person was simply talking about something she was proud of. And I wasn’t doing the same. I was having a low day because my tasks felt unfinished, I had no new news to share, I didn’t get much sleep and so I didn’t want to celebrate anyone because I couldn’t celebrate myself.

But here’s the thing: I can still be proud of myself even when nothing monumental happened that week.

I was being triggered socially and that shit is not cool.

What Is Social Triggering?

Social triggering is when another person’s words, energy, or behavior activate your nervous system’s threat response, even when there’s NO actual threat. It doesn’t always look like a blowup.

Sometimes it looks like quiet irritation, a tight jaw, or a voice in your head saying I get it already.

This type of dysregulation is common and not often acknowledged as a nervous system problem. It’s usually a “YOU” problem instead of a “ME” problems.

Why It Matters

Research in interpersonal neurobiology shows that our nervous systems are constantly co-regulating. This means it is picking up on the emotional states of the people around us.

Think about how you meet an anxious human and then their dog is also always somehow anxious. We pick up on the energy around us.

But when someone is in a high-energy, expansive state and we’re depleted, that gap can register as a threat. Not because they’re doing anything wrong, but because our system may already be running on low and not have the capacity to work with theirs.

This isn’t a character flaw in us on how we exist, it’s just information we can use to understand ourselves and how we exist in society.

While a large part of nervous system regulation is getting yourself out of fight or flight, another huge part is learning to exist with other people, even when they aren’t your people, even when they’re having a bigger day than you.

This is how we stop the breakdown of relationships, networking opportunities, and simply existing with others.

Now when you check yourself in this judgmental state, this is how we shift back into regulation.

Step 1: Remove Yourself - Even for 60 Seconds

I politely excused myself, said I needed the bathroom, stepped away, and took a couple of deep breaths. That’s it. You don’t need a 20-minute reset. You need a pause to recalibrate and ask yourself a few questions.

Step 2: Run the Reality Check

I came back to these four questions:

* Is she insulting me? No.

* Am I being reactive right now? Yes.

* Do I need to contribute, or can I allow her to just speak? I can allow.

* Do I have enough energy for that? Yes.

Step 3: Release the Expectation That You Need to Perform

Sometimes when we’re in conversations, we think we need to match someone’s energy, answer every question, contribute something meaningful.

You don’t.

Most of the time, people just want to be heard. Letting someone else take up space is not a loss for you, we just need to differentiate between “am I needed as a contributor?” or “can I just be their cheerleader?”

Step 4: Come Back With Curiosity Instead of Judgment

When I returned to the table, I shifted from why is she like this to she’s really excited about her life right now. This reframe changed how the rest of the lunch felt for me, and I am sure for her.

Remember - co-regulating.

The Regulation Moments Nobody Talks About

This is what gets swept under the rug in conversations about regulation: it doesn’t always look like screaming or a full body breakdown. Sometimes it looks like quiet resentment over lunch. A forced smile. An internal eye roll and then self judgment.

These small moments are where regulation actually lives, and where it actually matters.

When you take the reaction out of it, you allow yourself to experience. The conversation and the person fully.

And yourself, more honestly.

That’s the work.

Lots of love,

Tia

PS. If this feels like a pattern in your life, this is the work I do with people and organizations to re-establish stability and growth in your life. Please reach out and let’s talk!

Email: [email protected]

Website: intuitivelytia.com

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do I get irritated when people talk about their accomplishments? Irritation around others' success is often a nervous system response, not a character flaw. When your system is depleted, someone else's high energy can register as an unconscious threat — especially if it contrasts with how you're feeling about your own life in that moment.

What does nervous system dysregulation look like in social situations? It doesn't always look dramatic. Social dysregulation can show up as quiet irritation, impatience, wanting to leave, or an inability to be genuinely happy for someone else. These are all signals worth paying attention to.

How do I regulate my nervous system around difficult people? Start with a physical pause — even 60 seconds alone to breathe. Then run a reality check: is this person actually a threat, or is my system just overwhelmed? From there, release the pressure to perform or match their energy. Presence, not contribution, is often all that's needed.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

I was listening to the Joe Rogan podcast and Dr. Gad Saad was the guest. Dr. Saad is an evolutionary psychologist who coined the term, suicidal empathy. And to be honest, it is definitely a controversial stand - but it’s also something I agree with.

Dr. Saad describes suicidal empathy as a dangerous, hyperactive form of altruism where emotional compassion for ostensibly marginalized groups overrides rational decision-making, common sense, and self-preservation.

Dr. Saad described a case in Norway where a man was sexually assaulted by an immigrant. The perpetrator served his sentence and was set to be deported. The victim fell into a deep depression — not because of the crime itself, but because he felt responsible for the consequences. He was terrified of being judged. Of being seen as the problem. Of what people would think.

Once I heard his terminology and multiple stories, it made me realize that this isn’t just applicable when it comes to marginalized people.

This can be seen everywhere.

What Is Suicidal Empathy?

Suicidal empathy is when your fear of social judgment, or your empathy for how others might feel, overrides your own needs, truth, and wellbeing. It’s not just people-pleasing. It’s self-erasure in service of social acceptance.

We have gone so far in the direction of “I can’t say or laugh at that because it might hurt someone’s feelings” that people aren’t actually saying anything anymore. They’re not living. They’re performing.

I see this constantly in my work - people making decisions in their careers, their relationships, where they go to school - not because it’s what they want, but because they’re terrified of what everyone else will think.

Neuroscience note: Research on social conformity shows the brain’s threat-detection system (the amygdala) responds to social rejection in the same way it responds to physical danger. This means fear of judgment isn’t weakness, it’s a wiring that has been built overtime.

Why It Matters

This pattern doesn’t just show up one day. It develops over time and becomes so ingrained you stop noticing it. You’re not making free choices anymore, or thinking freely, you’re operating inside an invisible cage built from other people’s opinions.

People are quite literally stopping themselves from enjoying their lives because they are afraid of offending someone who isn’t even in the room.

In Relationships

When I started dating my now-husband while living in London, he was NOT your proper, put-together Brit. He isn’t even British. He was a drainlayer. I lived with some posh roommates and when he showed up after work in grungy clothes my roommates were like, “ew, why are you with him?”

Completely ignoring the fact that he was coming from a LONG day at work to simply spend time with me.

He didn’t fit the mold. And I LOVED that about him.

The guy who did fit the mold with fancy clothes and taking me out to expensive dinners, was so boring I actually dreaded seeing a text from him. No real connection. If I had listened to everyone’s commentary on who I should be dating, I wouldn’t be with the man who makes me coffee every morning and isn’t afraid of hard work.

In Your Social Life

I recently went to see Shane Gillis, a comedian who is absolutely not politically correct. One of my yoga students was there and saw me as we were entering the stadium. When she came to class a couple weeks later, she told me, “I almost felt bad laughing.”

I asked her: did you think the jokes were funny? “Yeah, hilarious.” Do you think he’s a bad person? “No, absolutely not.” Then why not laugh at something that made you laugh?

For context, Gillis also runs a coffee shop for people with down syndrome and actively donates to Special Olympics and veteran organizations.

Comedians are meant to walk the line. That’s literally their job. The people telling you to stop laughing aren’t necessarily doing more good in the world. They’re just louder and making you feel guilty for enjoying yourself.

Reclaiming Your Own Decisions

The most liberating thing I ever internalized was this: no one gives a fuck.

I know that can sound depressing. But unless you’re in a real downward spiral and the people who love you are genuinely worried, most people are not spending their days consumed by your choices.

They’re thinking about their own lives and what to do with them. I say this with love and radical acceptance.

So when you’re facing a decision and feel the weight of everyone’s opinions pressing in, here’s what I work through with clients:

* Check the source.

When someone offers an opinion, ask yourself: is this coming from love or from judgment?

“I would never do it that way” = judgment.

“Do you think this is the best way to go about things?” = love.

One is information. The other is noise.

* Expand the timeline.

If you make this decision, how will it impact your life tangibly?

Can you picture yourself in that future?

Is it a future you’d actually want to exist in?

We can’t predict the future, but there are absolutely indicators for if we could see ourselves there or not in the distant future.

* Check your body, not just your brain.

Is this a full-body yes? I know, I KNOW this is a bit corny, but it is something I work on with clients and myself somatically. Sometimes we are overjoyed with the YES and sometimes….

You are doing it because it’s the “right” thing to do. Learning how to discern this is life changing. Your nervous system knows before your mind does.

* Name whose voice it is.

When the thought “what will people think?” shows up, ask yourself whose voice is that? Is it yours, or is it an old fear you inherited from someone else?

* Decide from your future self.

The version of you who already made the leap isn’t afraid of the judgment you’re currently dreading. Make the decision from that place.

Suicidal empathy is not a character flaw. It’s wiring. And wiring can change. The work I do with clients isn’t just about mindset — it’s somatic. It’s nervous system regulation. Teaching people to feel the difference between a fear-based choice and a values-based one — in their body, not just their head.

Ready to Stop Living in Someone Else’s Story?

I work with individuals and organizations on nervous system regulation, fear-based patterns, and embodied leadership. If this resonated, I’d love to connect - whether through 1:1 coaching, a workshop, or a speaking engagement - I love it all.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is suicidal empathy and how does it affect decision making? Suicidal empathy is a term coined by evolutionary psychologist Dr. Gad Saad to describe the pattern of suppressing your own needs, trauma, or truth to avoid social backlash. It affects decision making by putting you into a fear-based state where choices are driven by others' perceptions rather than your own values.

How does fear of judgment affect the nervous system? Chronic fear of judgment activates the nervous system's threat response, keeping you in a low-grade state of stress. Over time this becomes a default mode — making it hard to distinguish between genuine danger and social disapproval. It's not weakness. It's a survival pattern your brain developed to keep you safe.

How do I stop making decisions based on what others think? Start by identifying whether feedback is coming from love or judgment, expand your decision-making timeline, and check in with your body's response — not just your mind. Working on nervous system regulation at a somatic level — not just cognitively — is what actually rewires fear-based patterns.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

There’s been this ongoing conversation lately between me and one of my co-workers. She is a bit younger than me and is going through that mid-20’s (or maybe always?) low-grade existential crisis.

The kind where you stare at your coffee for a little too long and ask yourself:How do I know I’m actually moving forward?How do I feel confident in the decisions I’m making when I can’t fully see where they’re leading me?

AM I DOING ANYTHING RIGHT?!

Although this is deeply personal, I do believe so many people are silently carrying similar thoughts right now.

We want certainty before we take “the” leap.We want proof before we trust ourselves.We want the five-step plan, the guaranteed outcome, the perfectly mapped timeline.

But life rarely works like that. SORRY.

One of the biggest conversations I have with my clients is around letting go of rigid timelines. Because somewhere along the way, many of us learned to measure our worth by how quickly things happen rather than who we are being while we wait for the thing.

If the relationship hasn’t arrived yet.If the career shift feels messy.If healing is taking longer than expected.We automatically assume something is wrong with us.

But what if the process itself is the point?

One of my favorite Abraham Hicks quotes is:

“This is happening for you, not to you.”

That quote has carried me through difficult seasons because it reminds me that even the experiences I wouldn’t choose are still shaping me into someone wiser, stronger, and more aware. They have forced me to live with more intention, as well as to never take anything for granted.

Most of the time growth isn’t glamorous.Sometimes it looks like realizing what you never want to tolerate again and shifting around that.

What the Nervous System Teaches Us About Confidence

From a nervous system perspective, our brains are constantly gathering evidence to keep us safe.

You touch a hot stove once, your brain remembers:Don’t do that again.

The physical connection there is quite simple. It’s why we allow children to get hurt ~safely~. Our words don’t always land, but that experience will.

Emotional experiences work similarly.

If you’ve experienced disappointment, rejection, instability, or failure, your nervous system may start associating uncertainty with danger. And all your brain wants to do is keep you safe. Which means even positive change can feel threatening to the body.

That’s why so many people stay stuck in situations that no longer align with them.Not because they’re lazy.Not because they’re incapable.But because the unknown feels unsafe and your brain would rather keep you tucked away in a space it knows how to handle.

Think of it as the devil you know.

And when your day-to-day life feels unsatisfying or unclear, it becomes incredibly easy to spiral into the belief that nothing is working. You don’t know what you’re doing. Or everything you are doing is wrong.

There are ways to shift our mind around disruption.

Your Conscious Mind vs. Your Subconscious Beliefs

Your conscious mind holds everything you’ve learned:The expectations.The conditioning.The stories you absorbed from family, culture, school, relationships, and social media. The “shoulds” I call them. It is your programming.

But your subconscious mind holds your deeper beliefs about what you think you deserve.

And sometimes those two things are completely disconnected.

You can consciously want success, love, peace, or confidence while subconsciously believing those things aren’t available to you.

That internal disconnect creates resistance, which causes stress, which causes stagnation and no moving forward.

Because, remember, your brain struggles to move toward something it doesn’t perceive as safe or possible.

Which is why self-talk matters so much more than people realize. And I’m not just talking about affirmations in the mirror.

Why Celebrating Yourself Matters

One of my clients’ homework assignments this week was incredibly simple, yet some may find very hard to do.

At the end of the night, tell yourself:

“Well done., _____”

And actually believe it.

How you believe it is you build evidence. You find three things in the day that you are truly proud of accomplishing.

It’s massively important that you give yourself little reminders throughout your life (daily) that you are moving forward and doing the best you can to survive.

Not after you hit the massive milestone.Not once your life looks perfect.Not when everyone else validates you first.

Now.

Because confidence is not built through punishment.It’s built through evidence of safety, consistency, and self-trust.

The nervous system responds to repetition. The more often you acknowledge yourself with compassion instead of criticism, the safer it becomes to keep growing.

And the less resistance you have to “failing forward” or what I like to call - trying.

How to Build Confidence When the Future Feels Unclear

1. Stop treating uncertainty like failure

Not knowing what comes next does not mean you are doing life wrong.

2. Look for evidence of growth, not perfection

Every experience teaches your nervous system something. Even the painful ones.

3. Pay attention to your internal dialogue

Your subconscious is always listening to the way you speak to yourself.

4. Create safety in the present moment

Confidence is not always loud. Sometimes it looks like taking the next small step anyway.

5. Celebrate yourself daily

You are far more likely to trust yourself when you stop withholding your own approval.

Why This Matters

Research on neuroplasticity shows that repeated thoughts and behaviors shape neural pathways over time. The way you speak to yourself quite literally impacts how your brain interprets safety, capability, and possibility.

Your thoughts become patterns.Patterns become beliefs.Beliefs become behaviors.

Which means confidence is not something you magically wake up with one day.It’s something you practice.

Maybe confidence isn’t about knowing exactly where you’re going.Maybe it’s about believing you can handle yourself no matter what happens next.

This is just another muscle to build, but an important one at that.

This is also the stuff I love working with my clients on - so if any of this resonated with you, please reach out and I would love to hear your story!

Lots of love,

Tia

You’d be my bestie if you shared this with people.

It’s be even cooler if you subscribed.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

This past weekend was the deep exhale I needed for a while.

Friday night run, steak dinner, slow conversations with my husband. Saturday morning looking at multi-families, getting our hands messy in a pottery class I had been dying to try for a while. Sunday was welcomed with another run in our favorite town and coffee from our new cute spots. We finished the weekend with lunch with my mom, a nap on the couch and meal prep finished and in bed by 9 PM.

Nothing extravagant, just grounded, connected, and easy after a wild few weeks on my end. When my husband put his head down on Sunday night he said “Wow, I feel rejuvenated.”

And then Monday hit.

6 AM I was walking out the door and when I hopped in my car, something felt OFF.

Flat tire. We had hit a glass bottle on Saturday less than a mile from my house and didn’t realize it shredded my tire until I left for work on Monday morning.

Within an hour, the day truly unraveled. I took my husband’s car for the day and then I got a call saying I needed to come home because he broke the jack trying to fix mine.

I had to turn around, call out of work, and rearrange my entire day.

And the wild part?

Didn’t even panic for a second.

What Nervous System Regulation Actually Looks Like in Real Life

When I was growing up, I had a tendency to slightly overreact. We all do as you’re trying to navigate the world, learn about yourself and constantly figure out what the bigger picture of life is.

My dad coined this term when he saw my tendency to implode.

“Our number 1 rule is never panic.”

I followed along, but I didn’t always truly get it because when I had my dad backing me up, I didn’t need to panic. He handled everything.

Then I got older and I was like fuck. How do I truly NOT panic in situations.

Nervous system regulation isn’t about creating a life where nothing goes wrong. It’s about building a body that can hold steady when things do.

Because stress isn’t the problem, your capacity to process it is.

Years ago, a morning like that would’ve sent me spiraling. It would have created urgent, frantic energy of “everything is falling apart and I need to fix it NOW.”

But when you’ve spent time actually learning your body… supporting it… creating intentional calm…You respond differently. Not perfectly. But differently.

The Shift: From Reacting to Responding

Here’s how I moved through that Monday without tipping into chaos:

1. I got honest about where I was actually needed

There was a moment where I tried to make everything work. All the meetings. All the commitments. All my jobs AND fix my tire.

But I paused and asked:Where am I essential today and where am I not?

OOF. This is where ego comes in. I am not actually NEEDED everywhere all the time. There are many aspects of my life that will function just fine without me there for ONE day. And I know yours will too.

Fixing the tire and supporting my home life mattered more than forcing productivity and showing up for my students that day.

2. I stopped treating everything like it was urgent

We’ve been conditioned to believe everything is time-sensitive, especially with social media.

Well… it’s not.

A few things needed attention, yes. But most of it? Could wait until today or even next week. So I communicated with my co-workers and clients, I told people what was going on.

And you know what I got back?

“Don’t worry about it.”

That alone is a reminder:Most of the pressure you feel… isn’t actually coming from other people, it’s coming from your self importance.

3. I respected my human capacity

This one is big.

There’s this unspoken expectation that we should be able to handle everything, all at once, without dropping a ball.

It’s not true.

And instead of overriding your body literally telling you to chill out, I let myself acknowledge: This is what today looks like. And that’s enough.

You can do a lot in 24 hours.

But you don’t have to do everything.

According to research from Cleveland Clinic, chronic stress keeps your body in a prolonged fight-or-flight state, impacting everything from digestion to heart health to emotional regulation to systemic inflammation.

This is why nervous system work isn’t a luxury.

It’s foundational.

Because when your system is constantly activated, even small disruptions feel like emergencies but when you build regulation intentionally - through rest, movement, somatic connection, and self-awareness - you create space between the trigger and your response.

And in that space you get your power back.

Life is always going to throw a spanner in the mix.

Plans will break. Schedules will shift. Things won’t go how you mapped them out.

The goal isn’t to control every instance in your life, the goal is to become someone who can move through it without losing yourself completely.

Because that’s real stability and how you build confidence in moving forward.

If reading the beginning of this gave you anxiety, I have recently opened up 1:1 work. Let’s connect and I would love to hear your story.

Lots of love,

Tia

I understand we don’t need more emails, but if you share this I will love you forever.

This one will make us become best friends.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

This morning I watched the internet do what it does best. Pick a side and go to war.

A doctor posted that trauma isn’t “stored” in the body, only in the brain.Cue the chaos. (which she was looking for by the way)

On one side, people yelling “finally, some science.”On the other, somatic practitioners feeling like their life’s work just got dragged through the mud.

Honestly I sat there thinking… yeah, I see both of you. There’s a lot of noise out there in the wellness space and a lot of black and white in a part of the world that is gray.

There are people selling surface-level solutions, snake oil, and calling it healing.And there are also people dismissing lived, physical experiences because they don’t fit neatly into a clinical box of what they think is “the way.”

Both can exist at the same time.

The Real Problem: We Want Certainty Where There Isn’t Any

We have overcomplicated everything and turned healing into a checklist of “optimization” routines.

Do this.Not that.This is “right.”That is “wrong.”

And if you don’t listen to me, you’re going to get stuck in the same loop forever and just miserable until the end of your days.

Also pay me $15,000 for a Canva template “Guidebook” please and thank you.

We’ve taken nuanced, evolving practices and tried to crown them as the single holy grail to health and how dare you disagree if it didn’t work for you.

But your body doesn’t work like that.

There is no universal formula for nervous system regulation.

What works for me might do absolutely nothing for you. And the thing that saved you, could inhibit me from healing.The second we start speaking in absolutes, we lose the plot.

Terrifying? Maybe.

But if you zoom out… it’s actually freeing. Because there are an infinite number of possibilities on how you could heal your body and mind.

If one thing doesn’t work, you’re not broken forever. It just means you haven’t found your thing yet.

Our body is one big science experiment. We just have to keep playing.

Brain vs Body: A False Divide

The idea that trauma lives only in the brain ignores something pretty obvious:

Your body is always in the conversation.

Your brain perceives a threat.Your body responds instantly.

Muscles tighten.Heart rate spikes.Breath shortens.

That’s not theoretical, that’s happening in real time and we don’t even recognize it.

Think about those prank videos where someone jumps out from behind a door.The reaction isn’t just mental. It’s explosive, physical and usually a yelp escapes out of someones mouth.

Even though your brain will recognize quite quickly that it was a joke and not an actual threat - the body doesn’t always return to baseline just because the threat is gone.

The tension and physical response may exist in our body for weeks, even months afterwards.

Not because your body is “storing trauma” like a file cabinet but because it hasn’t been shown that it’s safe to let go yet.

If you don’t know where to start with somatic understanding - check out this article.

What Science Actually Supports

In a 2023 interview, Dr. Robert Sapolsky spoke about stress as one of the most damaging long-term forces on the body.

Not just the mind. The body.

Sapolsky’s work focuses on glucocorticoids (stress hormones like cortisol) and how they impact the entire system.

Stress hormones are essential for survival in the short term, but damaging when they stay elevated too long.

Think of it this way - a little stress = good and a lot of stress = bad.

This means:

* Stress is not just a thought → it’s a chemical cascade

* That cascade affects brain and body

* And when it becomes chronic, it creates real physical consequences

Sapolsky’s research consistently shows that prolonged stress exposure can:

* Disrupt immune function

* Alter cardiovascular health

* Increase muscle tension and inflammation

* Damage brain structures like the hippocampus

So no, this isn’t just a brain conversation.

But he also makes another critical point:You won’t stick to a modality that you don’t like DOING.

So if you hate meditation - you won’t do it every day. If you don’t like lifting weights in the Crossfit style - you won’t show up to class three times a week.

Which means…

Why “One Method” Healing Falls Apart

We want the one thing to be THE thing that heals us.

The breathwork.The dance.The mindset shift.The protocol.

But regulation doesn’t work like a light switch. It’s adaptive and personal to how our body responds.

Every new experience may require a different response.

And yeah… that can feel exhausting.

I finally figured myself out and now I have to do it again?

I get that. I have been there SO many times before but this is the part of life we need to build resilience around.

There was a time when every setback felt personal.

Injuries. Breakups. Stress. It all felt like proof something was wrong with me. I was like WHAT could I possibly be doing so poorly that karma is kicking me down this much.

When I was so beaten down I decided I needed to shift my mentality so I made a promise to myself. Every doctor’s appointment became a lesson. Every hard moment became data for how I could improve.

Not “why is this happening to me?”But what is this teaching me about how I work?

My dad used to say after heartbreak:

“The next one will be even better because now you know what you don’t want.”

I would come to him crying and be like “this is not helpful” BUT the man had a point.

Because now it’s not failure.It’s refinement on my processes.

Both Sides Are Missing This

When I see the internet go wild, I sometimes imagine myself in the center of it as a mediator.

If I could sit both sides down - the doctors and the somatic practitioners - I’d ask two simple questions:

To the skeptics:Have you ever danced at a wedding and felt joy ripple through your entire body?

To the practitioners:Have you ever had a conversation so deep it literally shifted how you think?

We get so black and white that we forget both ways can be so easily accessible to see their point of view.

Sometimes you move the body to reach the mind.Sometimes you work with the mind to release the body.

It’s not either/or.It’s both.

Messy. Nuanced. Human.

How to Start Regulating Your Nervous System

Not perfectly, just honestly:

1. Get curious, not rigid

Notice what actually shifts how you feel - not what you think should.

2. Track your body’s responses

Energy, tension, breath, sleep - your body is constantly giving feedback.

3. Experiment without attachment

Try things. Keep what works. Drop what doesn’t.

4. Build your own toolkit

Movement, stillness, conversation, rest—there’s no single path.

The second you believe there’s only one “right” way to heal… You start overriding your own signals.

And that’s the exact opposite of regulation.

We need less gatekeeping and more curiosity.

Less “this is the way” and more “let’s figure out what works for you.”

Because your body is a system to understand.

I’m opening a limited number of 1:1 sessions where we explore this together your patterns, your responses, your toolkit.

Just a conversation to see if it feels aligned and also a moment to connect human to human.

There is hope for you, pinky swear.

Lots of love,

Tia

I understand if you don’t want anymore emails but spread the word on how to feel good!

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

I was out with my sister and one of our chosen sisters. The one where we were all raised together by single moms and know every detail of each others lives. This was the kind of dinner where the food becomes irrelevant because the conversation takes over.

We hadn’t seen each other since CHRISTMAS because ya know, life.

Non sister sister has been going through some health things and my husband asked “Have you heard of the four burner theory?” and I haven’t stopped thinking about our conversation that followed since.

So, what is the Four Burners Theory?

The Four Burners Theory compares your life to a stove with four burners:

* Career

* Friends/Family

* Relationship

* Health

The idea is simple but uncomfortable: You can’t run all four burners on high at the same time. We just don’t have the capacity for it as a human.

If you try, something will eventually blow, and in human form the thing that blows is you.

Sitting there at dinner, I looked around the table.

My friend is an epic mom to two littles ones and works full time. My sister is building her own life with an incredibly successful career. I’m running a business, teaching, speaking, creating, trying.

And we were all, in our own ways, trying to keep every burner on high. Grateful for our lives but looking for support in one way or another on how to handle the juggling act.

Be everything. Show up everywhere. Do it all well. And don’t look tired.

And if you’ve ever felt that guilt in the back, the one that whispers “you should be able to handle this” or “why aren’t you grateful for this grind?” you know exactly what I’m talking about.

But here’s the truth that landed in my body, not just my brain: It’s not a time management problem. It’s an energy problem.

Your nervous system isn’t designed for constant, high-output across every area of your life.

When you stretch yourself across too many priorities, your system shifts into stress states. You SORE into fight or flight and eventually a dormant state where it all shuts down.

Research on cognitive load shows that the brain performs best when focused on fewer high-priority domains rather than juggling everything at once.

So no, you are NOT failing at balance.

You’re operating beyond what your system can sustainably hold for long periods of time.

How do we work with the four burners?

Instead of asking, “How do I do it all?”Start asking, “What actually matters right now?”

1. Identify Your Active Burners

Which 1–2 areas of your life need your full attention in this season?

If you’re a mom, I would say your family and your romantic relationship. We need to remember why the kids are there in the first place and your relationship impacts them.

The reality is, sometimes you have to choose which one of the burners you are going to suck at - even just for a moment.

2. Turn Down the Others (Without Shame)

Not forever. Just for now.

I am in the season where my rest and restore is not as a long as I would like it to be, and I’m okay with that because I KNOW when I need to input moments of intentional rest. My health is good, could be better, but we are cruising.

3. Communicate Your Capacity

Let people in your life know what season you’re in.

You do not need to fill your weekends or your day of with social interactions. If someone asks you to go to coffee and your immediate reaction is “Ugh, that’s my one morning off to myself” then I would recommend you schedule it out a month or two.

Just say it - MOST people will empathize with you.

Disclaimer: you can’t cancel everything though. Reschedule with the intention of showing up in a better mental state. Remember, we can’t become so selfish with our time that we stop showing up for others.

4. Support Your Nervous System

Build in regulation practices so your energy can actually sustain what you’re prioritizing.

There’s no gold medal for running yourself into the ground trying to prove you can “handle it all.”

There is, however, a quiet kind of power in choosing intentionally.

In saying:This matters most right now and that’s enough.

We are only human.

Give yourself some grace and choose which burner you need to turn WAY down.

We aren’t meant to go 100% all the time.

If you are having trouble with deciding where in your life you need to slow down, this is exactly what I do with my clients. I help them audit their lifestyle and implement ways to start living FULLY again.

Your life is meant to be loved.

Lots of love,

Tia

If you don’t subscribe, that’s cool but I will love you forever if you share this!

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

I spent last week at a conference full of HR professionals. “Why?” you’re probably asking - well because I am trying my best to get my name out there to help people.

And honestly? I was impressed.

The people were kind. Thoughtful. You could feel that they genuinely care about employees and the environments they’re shaping. Session after session circled the same themes: connection, communication, conflict resolution. How to speak so people actually listen. How to rebuild trust when it’s broken. How to navigate difficult dynamics without blowing everything up.

On paper, it was everything we want more of in the workplace.

But I kept having the same thought on repeat in the back of my mind:

None of this works if your nervous system is fried.

The Missing Piece in Workplace Communication

I started talking to people between sessions. And almost every single person hit me with some version of: “I know all of this… I’m just already at capacity.”

That right there is the gap.

We’re teaching people what to say before their body even feels safe enough to say it.

Because connection doesn’t start with words. It starts with regulation.

What Happens When You’re Stuck in Stress Mode

When your system is under constant stress, your emotional regulation starts to drop offline.

Your amygdala, your brain’s threat detector, takes over. It’s fast, reactive, and built to keep you safe, not to help you have thoughtful, nuanced conversations.

That’s where your prefrontal cortex, the part responsible for logic, empathy, and decision-making, gets overridden.

So even if you know how you want to show up… you can’t exactly access it.

And this doesn’t always look explosive. Flipping desks like you see in The Wolf Of Wall Street type rage.

Sometimes it looks like:

* Shutting down in meetings

* Avoiding conversations you know you need to have

* Replaying interactions in your head but never actually addressing them (hello 1 am nightmares)

* Pulling back instead of leaning in to networking events

Emotional isolation is still a stress response.

Why “Just Speak Up” Doesn’t Work

One of the biggest pieces of advice I kept hearing was:“Speak up even if you feel annoying.” “Keep asking the hard questions.”

And I get the intention. I really do.

But let’s be honest for a second - Have you ever had to say something that you knew might land wrong? Whether it was in a personal relationship or professional.

Ask a question that could trigger someone?Bring something up without having the perfect words?

Your body doesn’t interpret that as a casual moment. It reads it as risk.

And when your system already feels overwhelmed, that moment can feel like too much.

So instead of speaking, you freeze. Or avoid. Or say nothing and then beat yourself up later because you missed an opportunity.

That’s not a communication problem.That’s a nervous system problem.

How to Support Your Nervous System Before Hard Conversations

This is where we shift out of frustration and into something more useful.

Because you’re not stuck, you just need a different entry point.

1. Create clarity before the conversation

Write down what you need to say. Then write it again. And again. And then in a different way than you have already explained.

Push yourself to find multiple ways to express the same thing until it actually feels clear in your body, not just in your head.

Clarity reduces perceived threat. Our brains LOVE to be able to predict.

2. Close the “power distance” gap

There’s a concept called the power distance gap. Basically, the idea that someone’s title makes them feel untouchable.

But the truth is, they’re human too. They miscommunicate. They get things wrong - even iff they don’t want to admit it. But no one is perfect and you NEED to remind yourself of that.

This isn’t about losing respect, it’s about removing intimidation so you can show up honestly.

3. Regulate before you communicate

Before the conversation, take a minute. Not to rehearse or spiral over the million different possible directions the conversation could go.

Just to settle your system.

That might look like:

* Slowing your breathing

* Taking a short walk

* Physically shaking out tension

* Letting your shoulders drop for the first time all day

You don’t need to be perfectly calm. You just need to not be in survival mode to understand the conversation that is being held.

You can’t build real connection from a dysregulated state.

You can’t access empathy, curiosity, or clear communication when your body is focused on protection.

This isn’t a mindset issue. It’s physiology and science.

And once you start working with your body instead of against it, everything about how you show up begins to shift.

We keep telling people to communicate better without giving them the tools to feel safe enough to do it.

This is where frustration, burnout, and silence start to build.

When you support the nervous system first, communication stops feeling like a performance and starts becoming something real.

So the next time you catch yourself holding back, avoiding, or overthinking what you want to say…

Ask yourself this:

Is it that I don’t know how to speak… or is my body not ready to be heard?

I’ll love you forever if you subscribe.

And I get it - we are over emails! Sharing helps me out too.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

Yesterday, I had a very honest conversation with an entrepreneur who was deep in it. The kind of exhaustion you don’t fix with a nap or a day off your phone.

She told me she needed to step away for a day just to feel like herself again.

And then she asked me, straight up:“Can we really prevent burnout? Or is it inevitable?”

I didn’t answer her right away because I’ve been there too.

I’m actually in a season right now that would chew someone up if they didn’t know how to hold themselves through it. It’s giving me a run for my money…. but I promise. This isn’t a doom-and-gloom story. It’s a reality check.

Because most people don’t burn out overnight.They slide into it… quietly… until one day everything feels heavy, getting out of bed makes them want to cry, and joy has slipped away.

What Burnout Actually Is (And Why It Feels Inevitable)

Burnout is a state of emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion caused by prolonged stress without adequate recovery.

But here’s the part people don’t truly understand:

Burnout isn’t just about how much you’re doing.It’s about how long your body stays in survival mode while doing it.

There will always be seasons where life piles on. Deadlines stack up. Your kids have five national championships in a week. And then your refrigerator conveniently breaks.

Unfortunately these weeks aren’t optional and no one is immune to them.

But staying in a constant fight-or-flight response while navigating it?That’s where things start to break down.

The Difference Between Burnout and Pushing Yourself

While I deeply emphasized with her, I had to gently push back on something she said.

She told me entrepreneur burnout is worse than a typical 9–5 job.

I get why it feels that way but burnout doesn’t care about your job title.

I’ve seen corporate teams spiral over one email. One small mistake, and suddenly the entire room feels like it’s on fire. I’ve also seen people handling million-dollar mistakes (literally) whose nervous systems react the exact same way. And I’ve seen a mom have a mental breakdown over a chicken not being taken out of the freezer like asked.

Your body doesn’t measure stress logically.It responds to perceived threat.

Whether it’s:

* Losing money

* A packed calendar

* Or an inbox that won’t quit

Your system can interpret all of it as “not safe.” But we can train this. I promise.

The Moment That Changes Everything

What actually stood out in that conversation wasn’t her exhaustion.

It was what she did next.

She took a few hours off to reset.

Not because everything was handled. Not because the work disappeared. But because she recognized she was on the brink.

And that right there? Is burnout prevention in real time.

So while she was faltering morally if she was selling a lie, I reminded her she was embodying the work she promotes.

How to Prevent Burnout (Without Avoiding Hard Work)

Let’s be clear: burnout is preventable, but hard seasons are not.

There will be weeks where you feel stretched thin in every single direction of your life, and then something happens that you never even knew existed. One thing we know for sure is life will test you.

You don’t avoid burnout by eliminating those seasons.You prevent it by interrupting the pattern before your system crashes.

Here’s what that actually looks like:

1. Learn your early warning signs

Burnout doesn’t start at rock bottom.

It starts with subtle shifts:

* Shorter patience

* Brain fog

* Feeling wired but exhausted

* Snapping at things that normally wouldn’t touch you

This is where understanding your triggers and responses is INVALUABLE. You cannot prevent unless you are honest with yourself where your exhaustion shows.

If you’re reading this and am like “Tia, what the actual f*** is a response???” I wrote about that here.

2. Stop waiting until you “deserve” rest

Most people only rest when they’ve hit a wall.

That’s too late.

Regulation has to happen before the breakdown. And if “deserving” is your hard part, let’s talk. I have a LOT of experience in this.

3. Build recovery into the plan, not as an afterthought

I knew April and May were going to be big for me. I knew they were gonna take everything out of me. I knew I could handle it, but I also knew I would crave a reset.

So I planned a weekend away with my husband ahead of time.

Not as an escape from my reality (because she is a beaut) but as a strategy.

4. Regulate your nervous system in real time

This isn’t always meditation and silence.

Sometimes it’s:

* Stepping away for an hour

* Moving your body

* Changing your environment

* Letting yourself reset before pushing again

Check out some of my nervous system hacks here!

Why Nervous System Regulation Matters at Work

If you’re operating in a constant stress response, your:

* Decision-making drops

* Emotional reactivity increases

* Energy becomes inconsistent

And over time, that’s what leads to burnout, not the workload itself.

Have you ever seen a person do EVERYTHING and they are also just really chill? Yeah. They have the secret sauce of nervous system regulation.

Regulation is what allows you to sustain high performance without losing yourself in the process.

Here’s the thing.

Burnout isn’t some unavoidable end point waiting for you.

But it will happen if you ignore the signals long enough.

The goal isn’t to avoid hard work.It’s to stop abandoning yourself while doing it.

We don’t need more people who can push through anything.

We need people who know when to pause before pushing costs them everything. I am so tired of seeing people’s lives collapse around them because they don’t know how to regulate themselves.

You don’t need to wait until everything falls apart to take care of yourself. But you do have to be honest enough to notice when you’re getting close.

Life can be beautifully chaotic without the constant stress. If you have been reading this and am like YES YES YES but HOW?!

That’s where a coach is a beautiful thing.

Reach out to me and let’s chat. I promise, you can love being alive again.

Lots of love,

Tia

If you’re like “she’s pretty cool.” Every subscription makes me do a little dance!

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

I was on the phone with one of my best friends the other day.She’s in a bit of a rut but she’s climbing her way out!! Hallelujah.

She’s living at her mom’s house right now, along with her sister and her sister’s four-year-old. Truly a cherub among us but… in the background of our call?

Absolute chaos. Noise, movement, energy coming from every direction. Constant calling of Auntie while a bike was being built in the background.

I’ve known her forever. I’ve seen her in every version of herself. But this version was struggling.

I could feel the anxiety through the phone.

“I can’t wait to have my own place.”

All I could do was agree because, I get it. I really do. I’ve been there not that long ago.

How Your Environment Impacts Your Nervous System

Your environment matters more than we like to admit and the reason is simple.

Your nervous system is constantly scanning for safety—noise levels, tension in conversations, how much space you have to breathe, think, just be. A place where you can exist without fear or judgement. When your surroundings feel chaotic or overwhelming, your body doesn’t just “deal with it”… it reacts. And quite poorly I may add.

Sometimes that reaction looks like:

* irritability

* exhaustion

* snapping at people you love

* feeling like you need to escape your own life

There are moments when the environment is the problem.

I remember when my now-husband and I moved back from the UK and into my childhood bedroom at 27. He was pretty much an illegal immigrant while waiting for his green card and I was a lost puppy after my masters.

My sister had just moved home too. So suddenly, for the first time in over a decade, we were all under one roof again. My mom, my step dad, me, and my sister.

Plus my 250-pound husband.

Oh, and did I mention our two spastic adopted pit bulls?

At first, it felt nostalgic. Almost fun. Like a temporary reset. Woohoo! We were on holiday.

And then… it wasn’t.

My family was going through a hard season of life and emotions were extremely high. Tension lived in the walls. And somehow, I became the emotional anchor for everyone.

Meanwhile, my husband and I were in our first year of marriage, fighting more than we ever had. He had moved across the world for me, couldn’t legally work yet, and we were both carrying way more than we knew how to hold.

It wasn’t exactly the honeymoon phase I had imagined.

The anger in my body?The exhaustion?The constant edge I felt?

That was my stemming from my existence in my environment.

Signs It’s Your Environment (Not You)

There’s a difference between internal dysregulation and environmental overload.

Here’s how you know your environment is playing a major role in your emotions state:

* You dread going home or to work or insert space here

* You feel like you have zero space to breathe

* You take the long way just to avoid your own space

* Your body feels constantly “on edge” in a specific place

* Relief hits almost immediately when you leave

When that’s the case, changing your environment - even temporarily - isn’t avoidance. It’s necessary. It is the space you need to bring yourself out of your fight or flight and into a space to be able to make rational decisions to move forward.

When I was living back at home, in my childhood bedroom - we couldn’t afford to move at the time, so we got creative.We’d go camping for a night or two. Cheap, simple, but it gave our nervous systems a break. Or sometimes we would literally just go sit in our car in a parking lot.

Existing together. Regulating.

Not a permanent solution, but enough to reset.

When It’s Not Your Environment

This is the part people don’t always want to hear.

If you’re constantly:

* exhausted no matter where you are

* snapping at everyone

* feeling disconnected or out of place

* asking “what am I even doing with my life?”

…it might not be your environment. I’m gonna hold your hand as I say this…

It might be you.

And not in a shameful way. In an honest, grounding way. In a way that is really hard to look in the mirror and admit that you aren’t doing everything for yourself that you could to respect yourself.

I used to think a new place would fix everything.After every breakup, I’d run to a new country, convinced this time would be different.

And you know what I found?

The same thoughts.The same patterns.The same unresolved emotions, just in a different timezone.

Nervous System Regulation Starts With You

Real nervous system healing asks a different question:

Are you actually supporting your body?

* Are you nourishing yourself - or just coping through food?

* Are you prioritizing sleep - or running on empty?

* Are you building moments of regulation into your day - or waiting until you crash?

Because you can’t out-run dysregulation.You can only meet it where it’s at.

Now, when I feel myself tipping into overwhelm, this usually shows up physically for me and my body aches, my patience is thin—I don’t immediately look for an escape. I pause and evaluate.

Sometimes that looks like stepping away.But more often now… it looks like staying and sitting with my emotions. Allowing myself the time and grace to discern what the root cause of my stress is.

Because I’ve done the work to understand what’s actually underneath it. And TRUST me, if I can do the work, you can too.

Why This Matters (Neuroscience Insight)

Your nervous system isn’t just reacting randomly, it’s shaped by repeated patterns.

Research shows that chronic stress strengthens neural pathways associated with reactivity, while intentional regulation practices (like breathwork, movement, and mindfulness) can rewire the brain toward calm and resilience.

In other words:what you practice, your body remembers.

Your Body Keeps the Score is a FANTASTIC book on this subject matter.

How to Tell the Difference (Step-by-Step)

* Change your environment temporarilyTake a day, a weekend, even a few hours away. Notice what shifts.

* Scan your bodyDo you feel immediate relief—or does the tension follow you?

* Audit your habitsSleep, food, movement, pauses. Be honest.

* Look for patternsIs this feeling tied to a place—or showing up everywhere?

* Respond accordingly

* If it’s environmental → create space or change it

* If it’s internal → it’s time to do the deeper work

The Bottom Line

Sometimes you need to leave the environment.Sometimes you need to meet yourself.

The work is knowing the difference—and being honest enough to act on it.

If this hit something for you, this is exactly the work I bring into corporate spaces and retreats—helping people understand how they operate under pressure and how to actually regulate in real time.

If you’re ready to bring this into your team or your life, let’s talk.

Lots of love,

Tia

Can changing my environment fix burnout?Temporarily, yes. But long-term burnout requires internal regulation and habit shifts.

How do I regulate my nervous system quickly?Simple tools like deep breathing, movement, or stepping outside can help signal safety to your body.

Why do I feel the same even after moving somewhere new?Because unresolved internal patterns travel with you. Location doesn’t override your nervous system.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

I found myself sitting at a red light the other day, completely calm, speaking my future into existence… like this is what regulation is supposed to look like, right?

And then the next day, I was scream-singing Sofi Tukker, doing my best dance moves in the car thinking waittttt this is also what regulation can look like.

Both felt equally grounding.Both were regulation.

And that’s when it dawned on me that I have been hiding a specific type of “chill out” mentality to you; we’ve been sold a very one-dimensional version of what it means to “calm down.”

What Nervous System Regulation Actually Looks Like

When I was 16, I was sitting on a stiff couch under fluorescent lights in my one and only traditional therapy session.

I didn’t want to be there.Now did I have the language for what I was going through yet.

All I knew was I hated my body and my mind was severely disoriented.

I was undernourished, overstimulated and living in a constant state of fight-or-flight.

And when I was asked to explain “what was wrong,” my body shut down immediately. My first thought was “aren’t you supposed to tell me???”

So when my session was over I matter of factly told my mom “never again.”

Not because I didn’t need support, trust me I REALLY did, but because my body wasn’t ready to process things that way. I didn’t have the words or knowledge to understand the disconnect.

What did help though?Dancing around my room to my favorite song usually did the trick.

At the time, I didn’t have the science for it.Now I do.

The Science: Why Movement and Music Work

Your nervous system isn’t just listening to your thoughts, it’s constantly scanning your environment for cues of safety.

That includes sound, rhythm, and vibration.

* Research shows that music can directly influence dopamine release, improving mood and motivation

* Studies from Harvard Medical School found that dance movement therapy significantly reduces symptoms of depression and anxiety

* Humming, singing, and vocal vibrations stimulate the vagus nerve, which helps shift your body out of stress mode

In simple terms:You don’t always think your way out of stress, sometimes you move your way through it.

Why “Calm” Isn’t Always the Goal

Sometimes your system doesn’t need stillness.

Sometimes it needs release.

Trying to force yourself into meditation when your body is buzzing with energy can feel like putting a lid on a boiling pot. It doesn’t solve the problem, it just builds pressure.

Regulation isn’t about suppressing energy. It’s about giving it somewhere to go.

Somatic Tools for When You Feel Overstimulated

Here are a few ways to regulate when journaling and deep breathing just aren’t cutting it:

1. Step Outside for 5 Minutes

No phone. No distractions.Let your body recalibrate through fresh air and natural light. The outside world produces negative ions that POSITIVELY charge you.

2. Find Your Anthem

You already know the song. The one that shifts your mood within seconds. The one you couldn’t possibly frown while listening to.

Play it loud and sing at the top of your lungs. Think back to your late teens, early 20’s when you were at the club with your best friend you met in the bathroom loud.

3. 100 Mini Jumps

Simple, effective, underrated. If you can’t do 100, do 50. If you can’t do 50, do 10. I don’y care - just disrupt the pattern.

* Supports lymphatic drainage

* Improves bone density and joint stability

* Releases built-up stress energy

Small, repetitive pulses. Nothing fancy.

4. Rewrite Your Inner Narrative

Write down five moments that prove you’re capable, bold, resilient.

Not the “I handled that situation well” but the “I rerouted my entire trip 24 hours before because the guy I was supposed to meet screwed me over. So instead of letting him win, I went on an epic adventure and met new friends.”

The messy, gutsy decisions that remind you who you are and that you are a badass.

Why This Matters

If the only tools you have are “sit still” and “calm down,” you’re going to feel like you’re failing when they don’t work. When your chest is still tight, you’re not sleeping.

You’re not failing.

You’re just using the wrong tool for the state your body is in.

How to Start Regulating Differently

* Notice your current state (wired, shut down, restless)

* Match the tool to the state (movement vs stillness)

* Let the body lead before the mind tries to make sense of it

A Simple Truth to Sit With

We love meditation. We love journaling. We love the red light therapy and stillness. Because sometimes you need more calm than action.

But sometimes? Sometimes you need to turn the music up, move your body, and let the energy out instead of trying to quiet it. Think a dog with zoomies.

Nervous system regulation isn’t one-size-fits-all.Sometimes it’s quiet.Sometimes it’s loud, messy, and full-body.

Both are valid. Both are necessary.

If you’re someone who’s been trying to “calm down” but still feels stuck, there’s nothing wrong with you, you just need a different entry point.

This is the work I guide people through in my sessions and retreats: learning how to read your body and respond in a way that actually works.

Lots of love,

Tia

Is dancing really a form of nervous system regulation?Yes. Movement combined with rhythm helps discharge stress and signals safety to the brain.

How does humming calm the body?Humming stimulates the vagus nerve, which activates the parasympathetic nervous system (your “rest and digest” state).

What if I can’t sit still to meditate?Start with movement-based regulation first. Stillness becomes more accessible after energy is released.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

I Snapped And It Wasn’t About Him

I had to check myself on Saturday.

Last week took everything out of me. I’m talking full-body exhaustion. The kind where you sit down “just for a second” and an hour later you realize you’re still in your coat, barely able to form a sentence just kinda staring at the wall.

By Friday night, I was tapped out. Final round, couldn’t muster up the energy to do much more than lay.

So Saturday morning rolls around, and my husband, who has the energy of an overexcited golden retriever, came flying into the bedroom after waking up early for a Liverpool game and jumps on me.

Now I am not stupid. I LOVE this energy. I love the way he loves me but remember, Friday night I was already at the end of my rope.

We had planned to go for a run.(Which… already felt like a personal attack, because I don’t run.)

My husband had a come to Jesus moment a couple weekends ago at a mindset event we went to together and decided he wanted to take his health into his own hands. So he is now challenging himself to 90 days sober and signed *us* up for two fun runs in the upcoming months to test himself.

I prayed for this, but on Saturday morning I resented every single one of those prayers.

I dragged myself out of bed, walked into the living room, and the first thing he said was:“Hey, we need to put our clothes away from our trip. It’s been almost a week.”

And just like that I snapped.Immediate. Sharp. Defensive.

“Eamon, have you NOTICED how much I’ve been working? When exactly do you think I’ve had time to do that?!”

Cue the war.

The Moment It Clicked

What followed was a few tense, clipped exchanges before I told him to just go for a run without me. (the drama)

But he didn’t.

He paused, looked at me, and said:“What’s actually your problem?”

And that question hit harder than anything else. It wasn’t the f*** you tone, he was genuinely confused what happened.

Because deep down, I knew, and he knew, this wasn’t about laundry.

I was exhausted.I was overwhelmed.And if I’m being honest I was anxious as hell about this whole “becoming a runner” thing.

It felt like pressure. It felt like something I’d be bad at.And when you’re someone who’s used to doing things well… being a beginner can feel like failure.

Why We Become Emotionally Reactive

Here’s the truth most people skip over: Emotional reactions are rarely about the moment, they’re about accumulated overload.

When your nervous system is fried, your capacity shrinks.

Chronic stress weakens the prefrontal cortex (your logical, decision-making brain) and strengthens the amygdala (your threat detector), making you more likely to react impulsively instead of responding thoughtfully.

In simple terms:When you’re overwhelmed, everything feels like a threat, even your partner asking to do a collaborative chore.

The Questions That Change Everything

Instead of continuing the argument, I went silent for a bit. (not the BEST communication skills, but we are all a work in progress!)

I took a step back and asked myself a few simple questions:

* Was he actually trying to target me?→ No. He said we. Not TIA, but my brain heard “Tia, you’re a failure for not cleaning sooner.”

* Have I been taking care of myself this week?→ Absolutely not.

* Have I been following through on things I said I would do?→ Also no.

* Have I created any structure or space to breathe for myself this week?→ Not even close.

That was the real problem.

Not him.Not the run.Not the laundry.

Me, running on empty letting life feel like a chore.

The Root Cause Most People Miss

This is where it gets uncomfortable but necessary.

I hadn’t cooked dinner in weeks. I don’t do any of the laundry. He’d been picking up the slack at home while also working full-time.And I was so deep in my own stress that I couldn’t even see how much he was doing.

That’s the sneaky part about burnout:

It pulls you into “me mode” so hard that you lose awareness of everything, and everyone else.

And when that happens, even small things feel unfair.Even supportive people feel like obstacles.

A Simple Reset for Emotional Triggers

If you find yourself snapping, shutting down, or overreacting, start here:

1. Pause the story

Not everything is a personal attack.

2. Scan your state

Are you tired? Overstimulated? Undernourished? Literally treat yourself like a toddler. That’s who we become when we react.

3. Check your inputs

Sleep, food, movement, downtime - where are you depleted?

4. Take one small corrective action

Not a full life overhaul. Just one shift.

You don’t need a perfect routine, you need enough support to stay regulated.

Why This Matters

When you don’t take care of yourself, your world shrinks.

Your patience disappears.Your reactions get sharper.And the people you care about feel it.

This is the hard pill to swallow but it’s NOT just about you. You exist with other humans, and while being selfish is important in the sense of taking care of yourself - you don’t get to be rude to others because you haven’t taken on that autonomy.

But when you do take care of yourself?

It takes a lot more to shake you. You are more resilient to the shifts. And life genuinely feels easier.

The Truth I Keep Coming Back To

I always say there are two things we can control, and that’s really it:

* How we treat ourselves

* How we treat others

As a over-achiever, perfectionist, it’s hard to admit that these are the only two things, but it’s true. Sorry not sorry.

The reality is you can’t separate the two either.

When you’re not treating yourself with respect, you won’t have the capacity to treat others with it either.

So take a step back today and ask yourself - where have I been reactionary? And where have I taken time to fill my cup?

Even with all this, I want to remind you it’s OKAY to have a moment.Life will test you, it does to all of us.

But don’t skip the part where you check yourself.

That’s where everything shifts.

This is exactly the work I do—helping people find small, realistic ways to take care of themselves so they can show up better in their lives, relationships, and work.

If you’re feeling stretched thin and know something needs to change, let’s talk.

Lots of love,

Tia

Why do I snap at people when I’m stressed?Because your nervous system is overloaded, making it harder for your brain to regulate emotional responses.

How can I stop overreacting in the moment?Pause, assess your physical and emotional state, and address the root cause (fatigue, hunger, overwhelm) before reacting.

Is emotional reactivity a bad thing?Not inherently—it’s a signal. The key is learning how to respond to that signal instead of letting it control your behavior.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

What Your Body Is Trying to Tell You (And Why You’re Missing It)

The other morning, I was driving to work at 6 AM in pouring rain.

Pitch black. Low visibility. And for whatever reason, the highway was packed with 18-wheelers. Fate was testing me.

You know that moment when you’re about to pass an 18-wheeler, and you know the exact second your windshield is about to get blasted with water and lose all sight?

Yeah. That.

I gripped the wheel a little tighter. Shoulders up near my ears. Breath shallow.

I pushed through, passed the truck, and the second I got ahead of it everything dropped.

My shoulders softened. My hands loosened. I exhaled.

And just like that, I was back to bopping my head to music like nothing happened.

That’s when it hit me that I have been preaching to you about monitoring your reactions, but you don’t even understand your responses.

The Subtle Signs of Fight-or-Flight

That moment with the truck is obvious and we have all felt it at some point.

But most of the time? It’s not that clear.

Your body is constantly responding to stressors, and if you don’t understand your unique signals, you’ll miss them and stay stuck in a loop of tension.

Common fight-or-flight response symptoms:

* Tight shoulders, jaw, or neck

* Shallow or restricted breathing

* Sweating or nausea

* Headaches

* Sudden fatigue or burnout

* Shaking

Here’s the truth most people don’t want to hear:

Sometimes you don’t need more sleep.You need a nervous system that actually knows how to down regulate and chill the f*** out.

Why Body Awareness Is the First Step to Nervous System Regulation

Before you can “fix” anything, you have to feel it.

And for a lot of people that’s the hardest part. Mainly because they haven’t felt anything but stress in so long.

We live in a world that rewards disconnection. “Push through. Keep going. No pain, no gain”

Until your body forces you to pay attention.

Research shows that practicing body awareness (interoception) strengthens neural pathways between the brain and body, improving emotional regulation and reducing chronic stress patterns. One study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that increased interoceptive awareness is linked to better nervous system regulation and resilience under stress.

In simple terms:The more you feel, the more control you have.

How to Start Reconnecting to Your Body

1. The Mental Body Scan

Sit in stillness.

I know you don’t want to. Especially if you’re someone who avoids being alone with your thoughts.

But we don’t do this because we want to.We do it because it works and the results that come afterwards are beautiful.

Start at your toes and slowly move upward.

Ask yourself:

* Where am I holding tension?

* What feels relaxed?

* Where is my breath sitting?

Common tension hotspots:

* Quads

* Shoulders

* Neck

* Jaw

Now deepen your breath into your belly.

With each inhale, imagine creating space where you feel tight.

For some of you, this will be the first time you realize your body has been clenched… everywhere.

Do this daily.

You cannot shift your emotional state without understanding your physical state.

2. Look at Your Patterns (Not Just the Moment)

Your reactions didn’t come out of nowhere. They were learned. Sometimes from generational trauma, sometimes from childhood trauma, sometimes from practiced behaviors.

For me, stress doesn’t always look like yelling or shutting down.

It looks like passing out when I see blood.

When I was 7, I watched my mom get blood drawn. Next thing I knew, I woke up draped over bleachers with people staring at me.

And my body said, “Cool. This is how we handle stress now.”

That pattern stuck. Like it still happens to me now.

Not because something is “wrong” with me but because my body is trying to protect me.

When Protection Becomes Overreaction

Your nervous system is designed to keep you alive. It doesn’t care if you are happy or sad. Sorry.

Sometimes… it just does a little too good of a job.

There are responses we want:

* Pulling your hand away from something hot - evolved from when a wound got get infected and kill you. We like this one. It helps us.

* Reacting quickly to real danger - running from a bear. Adrenaline is a GOOD thing in these situations.

And then there are responses that don’t actually serve you anymore:

* Shutting down when someone shares they are unhappy with you

* Crying or panicking when you get an email from your boss about a mistake

* Freezing, shaking, or avoiding discomfort so you never speak in front of anyone

Your body and brain don’t always know the difference between discomfort and danger.

That’s the work.

Learning to separate the two.

Why This Matters

If you don’t understand your body’s stress responses, you’ll keep trying to “fix” your life from the outside.

More routines. More discipline. More control.

Meanwhile, your nervous system is running the same loop underneath it all.

Real change happens when you stop overriding your body and start listening to it.

How to Start Today

* Spend 5 minutes in a body scan

* Notice one physical stress signal you usually ignore

* Track one recurring reaction pattern from your past

* Practice deep, intentional breathing when tension shows up

Small awareness → creates massive shifts over time.

The Bottom Line

Your body is not working against you.

It’s trying to protect you.

But protection without awareness can turn into patterns that keep you stuck.

The goal isn’t to eliminate your responses.

It’s to understand them so you can choose differently.

Ready to Go Deeper?

If this is the work you’re craving—understanding your body, regulating your nervous system, and actually feeling at home in yourself—this is exactly what I guide people through in my work.

Reach out or explore ways to work together.

What is your body doing in stressful moments… that you’ve been brushing off as “just the way you are”?

Lots of love,

Tia

What does fight-or-flight feel like?It can feel like tension, rapid heartbeat, shallow breathing, or sudden fatigue. It varies from person to person.

Can you be in fight-or-flight without knowing it?Yes. Chronic stress often shows up in subtle physical ways that people normalize over time.

How do you calm your nervous system quickly?Deep breathing, body awareness, and grounding practices can help signal safety to the body.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

I just got back from a three-day mastermind focused on shifting consciousness and mindset. I did this to better support my clients and learn some new tips and tricks for myself. We are all constantly growing, I have to practice what I preach.

It was incredible in its own way and I don’t want to take anything away from that.

I even brought my husband, who works in tech sales now but used to be a drain layer before moving to the U.S. He’s a huge part of my nervous system story, but this kind of event?

Completely new for him.

Let’s just say it was an experience and I was 50/50 on how he would respond.

Luckily he loves me and put in good effort to be actively engaged during our time in Texas.

What I Gathered (That Took Three Days to Teach)

David Bayer is a legendary salesperson. Think next level. He studied under Tony Robbins, so, you get the picture.

He understands human psychology. He knows how to push people forward. He knows how to tap into fear and use it as fuel.

I do believe his intentions are good. He clearly cares about his clients success.

But here’s the thing…

He stretched three days of content into something I can summarize pretty simply:

* Your brain and body are deeply connected

* Your mind lies to you… a lot

* You can rewire it

* And there is hope, even if you feel stuck

Sounds simple, right?

It is… and it isn’t. But the beautiful thing is, it’s not impossible when you have a little help.

The First Step: Awareness (The Part Most People Skip)

You have to become aware that something isn’t working.

Sometimes this manifests physically. Other times is feels like chaos within your mind.

You have to be aware that you’re unhappy with the state you are in before you can change anything.

And the truth is… A lot of people aren’t.

They think this is just how life feels.

My husband and I jokingly call this being an “NPC”—a non-playing character.

Not in a harsh way. Okay, maybe it’s a little harsh, but I would rather a moment of harsh to kick me into a lifetime of happiness, wouldn’t you?

A NPC is someone who is “just going through the motions to survive” kind of mentality.

The thing is we’ve all been there.

But the moment you start questioning it?

You’re no longer stuck in it. And if you are here, then you are already questioning it. So congratulations, you have gotten out of the matrix of NPC.

Now, there is a key part of stepping even further away from the NPC life and into a life that is enriching.

That is neural rewiring.

What Is Neural Rewiring?

Neural rewiring is the brain’s ability to change its structure and thought patterns based on repeated behaviors and beliefs.

This concept, known as neuroplasticity, means your brain is not fixed. Again, there is hope!

Research published in the journal Nature Reviews Neuroscience shows that repeated positive thoughts and behaviors strengthen neural pathways, making those patterns more automatic over time.

In simple terms: What you practice, your brain keeps.

The Second Step: Implementation (Where Change Actually Happens)

Awareness is step one.

But change?

That comes from action and I wish I could tell you it works like this:

You wake up one day and say,“I’m happy. I feel enough. Life is amazing.”

And boom, you’re fixed. No more problems. No more self doubt.

Yeah… no. It takes time. But luckily the more time you focus on this, the easier it gets!

If you’ve spent years building certain thought patterns, it’s going to take some repetition to build new ones.

Think about it the same way we focus on the gym. We gotta put the reps in to lift heavier.

But here’s the good news: It can actually be fun.

Small Shifts That Actually Work

Your brain loves:

* tasks

* completion

* evidence of progress

So instead of overhauling your entire life… Start small.

Like really small.

Examples:

* Tell yourself: “Good things happen to girls like me.” Or boys lol I say this in the most ridiculously positive manner. The thing is your brain cannot dictate reality from a thought. So if you say it, you will eventually believe it. Sometimes we have to be delusional.

* Ask: “If they can do it, why can’t I?” Then back it up with proof from your own life. What is something you did recently you’re proud of? What is something you did in your lifetime you didn’t think you could do, but pulled it off? That is evidence.

The Power of Small Actions

When I am having a particularly disbelieving day, I remind myself of how small one shift can transform your life. The one that works for me because it’s mind boggling when you think about it:

Start with 10 push-ups a day.

That’s less than 30 seconds.

By the end of the year?

3,650 push-ups.

That’s how change happens.

Now imagine if we applied this to our brain?!

The things that could shift within our lives and emotional intelligence?!

The Third Step: Do One Thing That Scares You Daily

Fear is usually the thing holding you back.

And fear, at its core, is a lack of belief in your own capability.

So the only way to change that?

Prove to yourself that you can.

Not in massive ways. In small ones. Remember, bite sized.

For me? Running. My arch nemesis.

I’m fit, but running still intimidates me.

So when I get anxious about even starting, I don’t go run miles.

I jog to the end of my street. It’s not even a quarter mile. I wouldn’t even say it’s 1/8 BUT it’s more than not doing the thing.

That’s it.

And now? I’m someone who runs.

The Real Work

The science behind this is deep.

But it doesn’t have to be complicated.

Sometimes what actually moves you forward mentally and emotionally is:

* one small action

* one new thought

* one moment of choosing differently

Repeated over time.

This is exactly the work I facilitate, helping people understand their mind, their nervous system, and how to actually create change that sticks.

Whether it’s through retreats, speaking, or immersive experiences, I create spaces where this work becomes real, not just something you read about. (although reading about it is a GREAT start, yay to growth!)

If you’re ready to feel different in your daily life, not just inspired for a moment, reach out or explore how we can work together.

You deserve to enjoy your life.

Lots of love,

Tia

I understand subscribing isn’t always the jam, so if you could share I would appreciate it! Let’s change the world together :)

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

Sometimes growth doesn’t look like big, dramatic change; it looks like choosing not to be petty when you easily could be. This is a real moment where I caught my own reaction, sat with it, and then consciously chose a different response. Because emotional maturity isn’t about never having the thought that isn’t cute … it’s about what you do next.

The Thought I Didn’t Love Having

An old friend of mine got engaged a little white ago.

She told me through an Instagram “close friends” story.

And the funny thing is… the night before, I had been talking about how our friendship had kind of fizzled. No anger, no disagreements, just life happening as it does.

I met my now husband while living in London.He introduced me to his friends.Those friends got girlfriends.I became friends with the girlfriends.

It is a time I look back on fondly.

Then we moved to the U.S. and decided to get married because he needed a green card to stay and I needed my best friend.

The Moment That Stuck With Me

This particular friend was invited to our very impromptu wedding.

We gave them three weeks notice.

I expected a no.

And she responded exactly how you’d hope someone would:

Kind. Supportive. Happy for us.

She just couldn’t make it work on such short notice.

Totally fair.

But her boyfriend—one of my husband’s best friends growing up—had a different response:

“I don’t believe in marriage.”

Ouch.

I expected a no.

I didn’t expect… that.

But again, I’m reasonable.

I understood his past. I understood the why.

So I let it go.

Four Years Later…

They’re engaged.

And if I’m being honest?

My first reaction wasn’t pure joy.

It was a little… snarky.

Internally, of course.

I can be petty. I’ll call myself out every single time.

I mean—I’ve basically built a career on rewiring this exact pattern because it’s just not a great way to move through life and I recognize that.

So instead of pretending the thought didn’t happen…

I paid attention to it.

What Is Emotional Regulation?

Emotional regulation is the ability to notice your initial reaction and consciously choose how you respond instead of acting on impulse.

Research published by the National Institutes of Health shows that practicing emotional regulation strengthens activity in the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for decision-making and self-control—while reducing reactivity in the amygdala.

In simple terms:

You can train yourself to pause, respond, instead of react.

if you think my life connections to the nervous system are funny, keep up to date bc this shit happens all the time!

How I Chose to Respond

1. I Made It About Reality, Not Ego

So I went back to my yoga teacher training. One of the first things you learn is to let go of your ego.

I asked myself:

How would I feel if I shared something deeply personal and someone ignored it?

I don’t have to guess.

It’s happened to me and that shit did not feel good.

So why would I recreate that experience for someone else?

It’s like pranks - I’ve never understood the ones that people do to make you feel dumb. The goal is to lift each other up people.

2. I Checked the Outcome

What does being snarky actually get me?

Do I win?

No.

There is no winning in quietly putting someone down in your own head.

There’s just… more negativity.

And I’m not interested in carrying that.

3. I Chose My Response

This is the part that matters most.

I chose to be excited for them.

Not because I had to.

But because I wanted to.

Because the truth is:

They’re not bad people.

What they said years ago didn’t come from a place of resentment toward me or my husband.

It came from where they were in life at that moment and the trauma they were holding from their family experiences.

I mean, my parents had an awful divorce and I still got married.

People are allowed to change. Actually, I hope that everyone shifts in their lift.

We all deserve that ability to grow.

The Rewiring Process

Here’s what I’ve learned:

Your first thought is often your conditioning.Your second thought is your choice.

Neuroscience research from Harvard Medical School suggests that repeated thought patterns strengthen neural pathways, meaning the more you choose a certain response, the more automatic it becomes over time.

That’s the rewiring.

Not perfection.

Just repetition.

This is the work I care about most—helping people understand their reactions so they can move through relationships, conversations, and life with more clarity and intention.

If you’re looking to bring this into your organization, your team, or your own life on a deeper level, this is exactly what I teach through my speaking and immersive experiences.

I’d love to work together.

Lots of love,

Tia

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

When One Person Changes the Entire Room

I’m sure we’ve all had a coworker who makes group interactions just a little more… complicated than they need to be.

As a high school teacher, I expect my students’ emotional regulation to be all over the place.It’s kind of part of the job description.

But the adults?

I’d like to think we’ve got a bit more control.

Recently… that has been proving otherwise.

The Setup: A Room Full of Very Different People

I’ve been attending a mandated (sorry—“offered”) class my district requires in the first few years of teaching.

Same group. Same room. For three years.

We know each other… enough. I wouldn’t say we are besties but you start to learn a thing or two about each other with forced interaction.

In one session, we were split into groups based on being as different from each other as possible.

Think:

North. South. East. West.

All for “diverse perspectives.”

I respect the intention… but let’s be honest. It was kind of asking for friction.

The Dynamic: Energy Matters More Than Words

There was one person in my group who had something to say about everything.

We’ll call them Art Teacher.

And then there was someone who genuinely just wants everyone to be happy.

Like… grew the principal a marigold with his students kind of energy and then put it on his desk with a poem and instructions on how to care for it.

We’ll call him Science Teacher.

The best vibes this one. Never met anyone more pure. Honestly, I talk about him more than a married woman should.

The Moment Everything Shifted

While I was on the receiving end of questions about my classroom, Science Teacher asked a simple, harmless question.

Completely innocent.

But Art Teacher didn’t like it.

What followed was a 10-minute, high-intensity debate that escalated quickly.

* Art Teacher became more visibly upset

* Science Teacher started apologizing… repeatedly

* The energy became extremely awkward

There were four of us:

* One escalating

* One apologizing

* One (Spanish Teacher) trying to quietly redirect {she’s great, we love her too. VERY regulated}

* And me… trying to diffuse

What Was Actually Happening

Here’s the thing most people miss in moments like this:

It wasn’t about the question the art teacher asked.

Earlier that day, there had already two other interactions where Art Teacher seemed on edge. One with our professor and one with another teacher.

By the time Science Teacher spoke?

Art Teacher’s nervous system was already overloaded.

He was just in the way of the firing squad.

When someone is operating from a fight-or-flight response, their perception shifts.

Their brain isn’t asking:“What’s actually happening?”

It’s asking: “Am I safe?”

And it reacts accordingly.

In defense.

The Hardest Part to Watch

After everything settled, Science Teacher came up to me and apologized. Meekly and ashamed.

He said he had been nervous that something like that might happen.

That part stuck with me. It broke my heart.

Because now it wasn’t just one person reacting…

It was another person walking on eggshells to avoid it.

So… How Do You Handle Someone Like This?

Honestly? It ain’t easy.

But there are a few things that matter more than anything else in these moments.

1. Stick to the Facts

When emotions rise, facts ground you.

Not:

* how you feel

* not assumptions

Just what is actually true in the moment.

This keeps the situation from spiraling further.

2. Validate Without Agreeing

In this situation, it was clear Art Teacher was having a high-stress day.

And when someone’s nervous system is dysregulated, their reality feels very real to them.

Validation sounds like:

* acknowledging stress

* acknowledging frustration

Not agreeing with behavior.

3. Try (Even When It’s Hard) to See Their Perspective

This is the hardest one.

Because when someone is coming in hot, your instinct is to protect yourself.

But underneath most reactions is:

* stress

* overwhelm

* or something that has nothing to do with you

4. Regulate Yourself First

This is everything.

Because the moment you match their energy?

It’s over.

The situation escalates.

Trust me—I wanted to meet that intensity.

But instead:

* I slowed down

* I chose my words carefully

* I redirected us back to the task

* I suggested revisiting the conversation later

And that de-escalation matters more than being right.

Remember, we are all figuring out how to be human for the first time.

Lots of love,

Tia

This kind of situation isn’t rare—it’s happening in workplaces everywhere.

If your team struggles with communication, stress, or reactive dynamics, this is exactly the work I bring into organizations through speaking and on-site experiences.

I teach people how to understand their nervous system so they can communicate clearly, lead effectively, and handle pressure without blowing up the room.

If that’s something your workplace needs, I’d love to connect.

Thanks for reading The Regulation Revolution By Tia DeVincenzo! I love helping people feel less shitty, so if you like that too - please share!

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

Why We React When We’re Overwhelmed

All day long, life is broken into a series of choices.

When you’re calm, cool, and collected, those choices feel clear.You understand how you’re moving through the world and you feel confident in your steps forward.

But when you’re exhausted…When your brain has been swimming in sensory overload all day…

Sometimes those choices leave you looking back at your day thinking:

“What the f* did I just do?”**

I can’t be the only one who has snapped at my husband after a long day and immediately thought:

“This is NOT how I wanted my night to go.”

Or even straight up embarrassed by my response.

That moment right there?

That’s the difference between a reaction and a response.

What Is a Nervous System Reaction?

Let’s be real… It’s the same thing as any reaction but specifically when your brain moves into survival mode.

The amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for threat detection and fight-or-flight responses, takes OVER.

When this happens:

* Logic takes a backseat

* Survival instincts move to the front

* Your brain prioritizes safety over rational thought

Your brain doesn’t care if you are happy.

It cares if you are alive.

For hundreds of thousands of years, that system protected humans from threats like:

* wild animals

* hostile tribes

* starvation

* environmental danger

And it worked beautifully.

The problem?

Your brain hasn’t evolved as quickly as your environment.

Why Modern Stress Confuses the Brain

Today, most people aren’t fighting lions.

But your brain doesn’t know the difference between:

* a predator in the wild

* or walking into the kitchen after a 12-hour day and seeing a bigger mess than when you left

Maybe your partner promised they would clean it.

Maybe you were already at your emotional limit.

Your brain registers a broken expectation + exhaustion as a threat.

And suddenly…

Kaboom. Reaction time.

Research shows that the brain processes emotional threats up to five times faster than logical reasoning, according to research cited by the American Psychological Association.

Which means your reaction often happens before your rational brain catches up.

Why This Matters

Because I don’t know about you…

But I don’t want to fight people all the time.

I don’t want my days spent putting out little emotional fires that turn into full-blown infernos.

I want to enjoy the one life I’ve been given.

And that requires learning how to interrupt the reaction loop.

How Do We Interrupt the Reaction Cycle?

1. Remove the Emotion for a Moment

I’m sorry.

I really am for saying this.

Because I used to get SO mad when people told me to “take the emotion out of it.”

But once you understand the neurons firing in your brain, you can return to the root cause of your reaction.

Ask yourself:

* Am I actually mad about this situation?

* Or was it a series of events, and this is simply the catalyst?

2. Ask One Simple Question

Is this life-threatening?

If the answer is no, you likely don’t need a survival reaction.

It might sound dramatic, but remember:

Your brain doesn’t always know the difference.

3. Take Three Cleansing Breaths

Try it right now.

Inhale through your nose.

Then exhale forcefully through your mouth.

Do that three times.

This breathing pattern activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which tells your body it is safe to relax.

In other words:

You give your brain time to catch up with reality.

4. Choose the Second Thought

This one changed everything for me.

Usually the first thing that pops into your mind is the reaction.

But after you pause…

A second thought shows up.

That second thought is almost always more thoughtful, more grounded, and far less destructive.

So when in doubt?

Choose the second thought.

From one sassy human to the next.

Lots of love,

Tia

If the work I do interests you, reach out and we can speak about coaching goals. You deserve to have a peaceful life.

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This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com