How To Love Yourself No Matter What
- Episódios
- 345
- Publicação
- semanal
- Último episódio
- 12 nov 2026
Sobre o podcast
You're still replaying that conversation from six days ago. The one where you said the wrong thing, or said nothing at all, and you've been rewriting it in your head ever since. You've read the books. You've listened to the podcasts. You've taken the advice, and you're still lying awake at 11pm running the tape back. Here's what nobody tells you — you can't think your way out of overthinking. Not when your nervous system is still convinced that if you just analyze it hard enough, you'll finally get it right and nobody will be disappointed in you. You learned that somewhere. You were probably very young. And it worked, which is exactly why it's so hard to put down. This podcast is for overthinkers who are done holding it all together and ready to feel at home in their own skin. The women who are smart and capable and self-aware, and still can't shake the feeling they're surviving instead of living. Each week, Amanda Hess, Certified Life Coach and straight-talking deep-feeler, shares honest coaching, personal stories, and practical tools to help you: Get out of your head and into your life Stop managing your emotions like a full-time job Quiet the replay without white-knuckling it Build self-trust that lasts Live on your terms — without apology You're not broken and you're not behind. You've just been doing it alone, with a brain that never shuts off and nobody showing you what to do with it. Come listen. You'll hear yourself in every episode — and find out how to love yourself no matter what. 📅 New episodes every Thursday.
Episódios 345
S2.E6. Stuck Between Fighting and Shutting Down? Start Here
You're having the same fight over and over. Or you've stopped fighting altogether and you just go along with it to keep the peace. Either way, there's something going on that I call negative intimacy. It's not …
Notas do episódio
You're having the same fight over and over. Or you've stopped fighting altogether and you just go along with it to keep the peace. Either way, there's something going on that I call negative intimacy. It's not just that there's no intimacy. It's a vortex with a downward pull, full of anger, resentment, frustration and disconnection, and it shows up most in relationships that have been around for a while.
In this episode I talk about the 2 ways negative intimacy shows up, the endless fighting and the disappearing act, and what it costs you personally: your confidence, and your trust in what you want and what you feel. I also talk about why the strategies you've tried haven't worked. It's not a strategy problem. When you're waiting for your partner to change, or looking for the right way to say something so they react the right way, you're outsourcing your emotional safety.
This concept came up while I was coaching a client on his marriage, and I see it in so many of the relationships I coach through. We start with you. You put in a floor: this is where I am. Then you learn to create emotional safety for yourself, so you can get clear on what you need and ask for it. Maybe the relationship can support that and maybe it can't, but this is where we begin.
Key Takeaways:
Negative intimacy isn't the absence of intimacy. It's a void that pulls the intimacy out of the relationship.
It shows up as the same fight on repeat, or as people-pleasing and going along with it to keep the peace.
Intimacy is being seen, known, needed, enjoyed, appreciated and celebrated.
When you feel emotionally unsafe, you look for control, and you can't control what your partner thinks, feels or does.
Your emotional needs are real needs: love, belonging, connection, autonomy, purpose, safety and security.
Your partner can't meet needs you haven't named. You have to be the one who says what they are.
If you want support with this, a discovery call is a great place to start. It's a private conversation, you and me, about what's going on for you and how I can help. I'm also starting to offer small workshops with a maximum of 6 people. The first one is for anyone who has been cheated on, whether it happened today, 10 years ago or 20 years ago.
Links referenced in this episode:
https://amandahess.ca/bookacall
https://amandahess.ca/room
Capítulos (5)
S2 E5. No Motivation? How to Stop Putting Off the Things You Want to Do
If you’re waiting to feel motivated before you change something, you’re going to be waiting forever. Ninety percent of what I do in my life, I don’t do because I’m motivated. I do it because I’ve decided.In …
Notas do episódio
If you’re waiting to feel motivated before you change something, you’re going to be waiting forever. Ninety percent of what I do in my life, I don’t do because I’m motivated. I do it because I’ve decided.
In this episode I talk about why the thing you know is a good idea keeps getting pushed to “another day,” and why it has nothing to do with motivation. Doing something you’ve never done before is uncomfortable, even when it’s exactly what you want. That’s true whether it’s setting a boundary, having a hard conversation, doing something more regulating for yourself, or getting out in the world. I’ll teach you how to make decisions in advance so the discomfort doesn’t get to decide for you.
I use my own podcast as the example. My rule is that I record at least the day before an episode releases. If I waited until I felt like it, it would keep getting bumped down the road until release day, and then I’d be dragging it, procrastinating and not getting it out on time. So I decide ahead of time: the day, the time, the topic, the setup ready to go and time left to edit. There would not be 300-plus episodes of this show if I’d been waiting for motivation.
Key Takeaways:
You do not need motivation to change something in your life
Doing something new creates discomfort, even when it’s designed to give you what you want
“I wasn’t motivated” is usually the story we tell when the discomfort won
Deciding in advance means picking the day, the time and what you need in place
If you don’t plan it, you probably won’t do it
Making one decision ahead of time is a small concept with big results
What’s one thing you really wish you were doing right now? Decide when you’re going to start and what the first step is. Then come tell me about it. Send me a DM on Instagram at @theamandahess and let me know what stood out for you or what you’re struggling with. Let’s have a conversation about it.
Links referenced in this episode:
S2 E4. Why Couples Counseling Isn’t Helping Your Marriage (and It’s Not Your Fault)
You went to couples counseling to fix things. You sat on the couch, you did the homework, maybe for years, and now you feel worse than when you started. On top of that, you’re more convinced than ever that …
Notas do episódio
You went to couples counseling to fix things. You sat on the couch, you did the homework, maybe for years, and now you feel worse than when you started. On top of that, you’re more convinced than ever that you’re the problem. You’re not, and your marriage might not be doomed either. You may just need a different approach.
In this episode I talk about why traditional couples counseling so often leaves people depleted instead of connected. You walk in and complain about each other with the other person sitting right there, you argue in front of an expert, and every session starts with what’s wrong. I share my garden analogy: you can’t get a flower garden by pulling weeds forever, you have to plant flowers. Then I walk you through what I do with clients instead: getting regulated first, learning to deal with your own emotions, getting clear on your needs and your partner’s needs, seeing each other as whole, messy people, and separating what you’re responsible for from what they’re responsible for.
I also share my own entry point into coaching. I hired a marriage coach who never talked to my husband once, she’s never even met him, and we fixed what was going on in my marriage. My husband is still the same person. What changed was me: I learned to regulate, to deal with my own emotions, and to show up as his partner with boundaries in place. It didn’t just fix my marriage, it changed how I showed up with my kids, my dad and my friends too.
Key Takeaways:
Couples counseling often starts from blame, which keeps you both defensive and wounds instead of connects.
You can’t fix a relationship from depletion. If all you do is pull weeds, all you’ll ever see is weeds.
You can’t ask for what you want when you’re dysregulated, so regulation comes first.
No one person can meet all your needs, not your husband and not your wife.
You’re responsible for what you think, feel and do, and so is your partner.
Whether you stay or go, this is the foundation you make that decision from.
If you’ve tried couples counseling and it isn’t working, it’s not because there’s something wrong with you. The next best step is booking a discovery call. We’ll walk through what working side by side with me could look like for you and your relationship. And if you want more of this in your ears, my Stop Overthinking class runs every week.
Links referenced in this episode:
Capítulos (5)
S2 E3. Overthinking Your Teens and Adult Kids? Let Go, Grieve, and Love Them Anyway
Letting go of your kids is a skill, and nobody teaches it to you. When they’re small, their survival is your job, so you learn to watch everything, manage everything and fix everything. Then they grow up, the …
Notas do episódio
Letting go of your kids is a skill, and nobody teaches it to you. When they’re small, their survival is your job, so you learn to watch everything, manage everything and fix everything. Then they grow up, the job changes slowly, and your brain keeps doing the old one anyway.
In this episode I talk about why your teenagers and adult children take up so much space in your head, and what to do about it. Seven women told me this week that their relationship with their adult kids is the heaviest thing on their mind. I walk through the two things that have to happen at the same time: learning to let go of what they do and how they do it, and learning to grieve the role you’re losing. I also talk about why the overthinking is really just fighting the feeling, and why unconditional love is a renewable resource with no downside, even when you’re holding a boundary.
I have a 19-year-old and a 16-year-old, so this isn’t theory for me. I still remember bringing my first baby home and realizing there was no quitting this job. My kid was up at the crack of dawn, so I was up at the crack of dawn, even after feeding him all night. Becoming a mom is what cracked me wide open and sent me looking for a different way to deal with my emotions. Learning to let go of that role has been just as big as taking it on.
Key Takeaways:
Letting go is a skill you build, not something you should already know how to do.
You grieve the role you had with your kids, and that grief is yours to feel, not theirs to fix.
Overthinking is your brain fighting a feeling it doesn’t want to feel.
Your kids are not a reflection of you. They’re their own people with their own brains.
What you think and the energy you bring matter more than what you say.
Unconditional love doesn’t mean letting anyone walk all over you.
If this one hit home, come to my free class, Stop Overthinking. I run it every week and show you exactly how to stop the replaying. And if you want to talk about what’s going on with your own kids, book a free discovery call with me. We’ll look at your situation, put a plan together, and see if coaching is the right fit.
Links referenced in this episode:
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S2 E2. You Don’t Need to Calm Down. Your Brain Needs a Different Job.
If you’re an overthinker, you’ve probably been told to calm down, think more positively, or learn to meditate. I don’t think that’s what’s missing. Your brain is a workhorse. It wants to work, and if you don’t …
Notas do episódio
If you’re an overthinker, you’ve probably been told to calm down, think more positively, or learn to meditate. I don’t think that’s what’s missing. Your brain is a workhorse. It wants to work, and if you don’t give it something to do, it’s going to go find problems. And it will always find them.
In this episode I talk about why your survival brain goes looking for danger when there isn’t any real danger in your day-to-day life, and how it ends up locking onto the dirty look, the text your kids didn’t answer, the thing you said 20 years ago, and every what-if about the future. I talk about why taking everything off your plate isn’t the answer, and the counterintuitive approach I use with my clients instead: giving your brain a hard job to do that has nothing to do with anything.
I also share a conversation I had with my husband about the fact that some people don’t have a voice in their head. He doesn’t. He was shocked to find out that some of us have a narrator running all day long. And I talk about why I lift heavy, why I figure skate as an adult, and why I’m learning to play the guitar this fall.
Key Takeaways:
Your brain is built to look for danger, and when it can’t find real danger, it creates problems to solve.
There is no version of taking everything off your plate. The complexity in your life is also the richness of your life.
Seeing more bad news doesn’t mean the world is more dangerous. It means your input has gone up.
You don’t need to think the right thing. You need to give your brain a better job to do.
A hard job that has nothing to do with your kids, your husband, or your work lets your brain put everything else down for a while.
When your brain gets that rest, you’re more regulated and you have more logic available to deal with the real problem.
I’m teaching a live class every week called Stop Overthinking, where I walk you through this along with every other piece of the process for stopping that anxious looping. Go to amandahess.ca/overthink to register. Come live if you can, you’ll get the most out of it. If you can’t, you’ll get the recording. And this week, pick one hard thing that has nothing to do with anything, and go do it.
Links referenced in this episode:
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S2 E1. Why You Can't Control Your Emotions (and How to Be Their Boss Instead)
A few weeks ago I got a no. I applied for something I really wanted, something that would have been a big deal for me and my business, and I didn't get picked. I'm not going to tell you what it was because it …
Notas do episódio
A few weeks ago I got a no. I applied for something I really wanted, something that would have been a big deal for me and my business, and I didn't get picked. I'm not going to tell you what it was because it doesn't matter. What matters is what happened in the 4 seconds after I read the email, when my brain was off and running with every reason I wasn't good enough and every argument for making myself smaller so it would never happen again. That moment is what this episode is about. Not the no. What you do with the feeling that shows up right after it.
In this episode I talk about the lie we've all been told, that emotions are something you can control, and what to do instead. I walk you through the reframe that landed for me driving in my car: your emotions are employees you don't get to fire. They show up to every meeting whether you hired them or not. You're their boss, but being the boss has never meant getting rid of them. It means respecting them, knowing them by name, understanding where they're coming from and what they feel like in your body, and then deciding what you're going to do with what they're offering. I also talk about why your capacity for this will be lower when life is hard, and what being a good boss to your emotions actually requires of you.
I use figure skating to show you how this works in real time, because I just competed less than a month ago and the adrenaline dumped into my body exactly the way it always does. Fear showed up and told me to run. I didn't argue with her and I didn't pretend she wasn't there. I said, of course you're here, let's go, and I used that energy for my jumps. Shaky arms, shaky legs, brain trying to devolve, and me in the middle of it going, no baby, dig in, where's the music, what's next. That's what being the boss looks like. It's the same thing my clients go through when they're dating and terrified of liking someone who won't like them back. Same emotion, same body, same job.
Key Takeaways:
You don't control your emotions. Nobody does. Every plan that starts with "I just need to stop feeling this" fails, and then you make the failure mean something about you.
Your emotions are employees you can't fire. They're always on the team. Being the boss means leading them, not getting rid of them.
Respect comes first, and respect means acknowledgement. You can't acknowledge a feeling you can't name, so get an emotions wheel and move past "anxious, sad, mad."
Understand where it comes from (the thought or belief underneath) and what it feels like in your body. You can't lead someone you don't understand.
Then decide. Is what this feeling is offering what we're going to use, in the way it's offered? If not, how are we going to redirect it? Fear becomes fuel. You go anyway.
Being a good boss to your emotions means sleep, regulation, things that ground you, and getting support where you need it. Your capacity will be lower when life is hard, and nothing is going wrong when it is.
If you're exhausted from overthinking and stress, come to my free weekly class. I'll teach you this concept and several others so you can start feeling at home in your own brain. Sign up at amandahess.ca/overthink. And come find me on Instagram at theamandahess and message me what you took away from this one. I'd love to answer your questions.
Links referenced in this episode:
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332. Why Fall Feels So Hard (and How to Let Bittersweet Through)
Bittersweet is the feeling of saying hello and goodbye at the same time, and if you're resisting it, you're in a lot more pain than you need to be.In this episode I talk about the seasonal change we're in right …
Notas do episódio
Bittersweet is the feeling of saying hello and goodbye at the same time, and if you're resisting it, you're in a lot more pain than you need to be.
In this episode I talk about the seasonal change we're in right now, both the one happening outside your window and the one happening in your life. Kids leaving home, parents aging, friendships shifting, chapters closing before the next one has really started. I see it in my clients in their 20s who are anxious to make spring happen faster, and I see it in my clients in their 70s who have bigger things landing on their doorstep every year. Fall is the season that unsettles people the most, and I break down why, plus the two things you actually need in place to let that emotion move through you instead of running from it: a nervous system that's regulated enough to feel safe feeling, and the skill of letting an emotion through. I also get into the difference between distracting and grounding, because the activity can look exactly the same and the intention changes everything.
I recorded this one a few weeks after driving to my skating competition with the low October sun coming through the window and the leaves starting to turn, and it hit me right in the chest. My mom passed away in August years ago, and that first fall without Sunday dinners at her house is still in my body every October. This is also the season my friend is in right now with one kid in university and one in grade 12, feeling anxious and depressed at the same time and wondering what's wrong with her. Nothing is wrong with her. That's bittersweet, and you can learn to hold it.
Key Takeaways:
Bittersweet is one of the most painful emotions to resist because resisting it means resisting what's really happening.
You are not wallowing. You're struggling with how to process an emotion nobody ever taught you to process.
Distracting and grounding can look like the exact same activity. The intention is what makes it one or the other.
Growing your capacity for emotion is not optional as you get older. Bigger life things show up, and you need to be able to hold them.
Once you know how to let an emotion through, it's just reps. But learning the skill is hard to do alone.
Emotional confidence around things ending is what lets you relax into a fall season knowing spring is coming.
If this is landing for you, book a discovery call with me. Learning the difference between distracting and grounding, and feeling safe while an emotion is moving through you, is exactly what I teach, and it is so much easier with someone doing it alongside you.
Links referenced in this episode:
The Creative Act: A Way of Being by Rick Rubin
Book a free discovery call: amandahess.ca/bookacall
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331. Your Sensitivity Means You're Cold-Blooded (And Why Your Environment Matters So Much)
The main point: a lot of us are essentially “cold-blooded” — meaning neurodivergent, ADHD-leaning, or simply sensory-sensitive — and our capacity to function hinges on the micro-environmental inputs we can …
Notas do episódio
The main point: a lot of us are essentially “cold-blooded” — meaning neurodivergent, ADHD-leaning, or simply sensory-sensitive — and our capacity to function hinges on the micro-environmental inputs we can control, so the real leverage is finding and installing your own “warm rocks.” I say this as someone who’s both lived it and coaches people through it: treating this as a physiological truth (think autonomic nervous system reactivity, interoceptive sensitivity, and increased allostatic load) reframes failures of willpower into predictable consequences of mismatched context and depleted executive function. Practically, that looks like environmental scaffolding and co-regulation strategies — noise-cancelling headphones, private rooms, scheduled solo sabbaticals, coaching that actually speaks our language — which reduce cognitive load, stabilize arousal regulation, and free up prefrontal resources for creativity and problem-solving. We unpack why school and many workplaces are “warm-blooded systems” expecting self-regulation, why that mismatch produces chronic survival mode for cold-blooded folks, and how compassionate, tailored interventions (behavioral scaffolds, rhythm-based routines, and targeted supports) create reproducible capacity. I also argue that coach–client pairing matters: a warm-blooded coach pushing platitudes won’t help a cold-blooded person, whereas a coach versed in neurodiversity and sensory modulation can provision the right hot-rock architecture. So, here’s my ask in jargon and plain English: identify one or two warm rocks this week, implement them (external supports + boundary engineering), and test the hypothesis that your environment, not your moral failing, is the variable you can change to feel better and do more.
Some of us are warm-blooded and some of us are cold-blooded, and if you're cold-blooded, your surroundings decide a lot more about how you function than you've been told.
In this episode I talk about a conversation I had with my colleague and friend Elena that shifted something big for me. She shared the idea that people with ADHD are often "cold-blooded." Like a lizard, they don't regulate their own temperature, so their environment plays a huge role in how well they can think, create, cope, and feel okay. Warm-blooded people can move through a messy house, no sleep, a loud room, and a packed social event and still get on with their day. Cold-blooded people can't, and most of us were raised in a warm-blooded world that expected us to act warm-blooded anyway.
I also share what this looked like for me at a recent international figure skating competition, why I couldn't create the way I wanted to while I was there, and the "warm rocks" I've learned to put in place for myself, like alone time as an introvert and being coached by people who understand how I tick. When you know you're cold-blooded, you can stop judging yourself for struggling and start giving yourself what you need.
Key Takeaways:
Cold-blooded people are deeply affected by their environment, and that's not something you chose
Most sensitive people, neurodivergent people, and a lot of women are more cold-blooded than we realize
Pushing through a cold environment while pretending you're warm drains a huge amount of energy
Warm rocks are the external supports that make the hard things easier: your space, your structure, your support, your alone time
Look at where you're struggling and ask what warm rock would make it simpler
Pick one or two warm rocks, put them in your week, and see what happens
If you want help figuring out where your warm rocks need to be and what they could look like, book a discovery call. We'll look at where you're struggling, what support you need in place, and how to structure it so it works for the way you're wired.
You are not the only one. I promise you that.
Links referenced in this episode:
https://amandahess.ca/bookacall
Takeaways:
- I reframed my struggles through an ADHD “cold-blooded” metaphor — using thermoregulatory language and autonomic nervous system concepts to explain how environmental affordances and sensory gating impact executive functioning and creative capacity, which gives me permission to stop pathologizing myself.
- We need to identify our “warm rocks” — concrete environmental and structural scaffolds that reduce allostatic load and optimize our cognitive bandwidth for sustained task performance.
- I noticed that trying to perform high-demand tasks in a cold environment depletes my capacity, so we prioritize situational modifications like solitude, noise-cancelling headphones, or scheduled coaching to enhance sustained attention and creative output.
- Because society expects warm-blooded norms, I argued for compassion and systemic accommodation: educational and workplace designs should integrate neurodiversity-informed ergonomics and predictable routines to prevent chronic regulatory overload.
- I confess I use coaching as a personal hot rock — it's targeted external scaffolding that recalibrates my inner homeostasis, reduces executive friction, and helps me translate aspirational goals into implementable micro-behaviors (no shame, just strategy).
- Practical action step: we pick one or two warm rocks this week — experiment with environmental tweaks, temporal structuring, or social boundaries, then monitor shifts in productivity, mood, and perceived capacity to see what actually increases our regulatory resilience.
Links referenced in this episode:
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330. How to Stop Playing It Safe (and Why It's Making You Miserable)
I'm at an international adult figure skating competition this week, and it got me thinking about why we stop doing hard things — and what happens to us when we do.This episode is about doing the hard thing. Not …
Notas do episódio
I'm at an international adult figure skating competition this week, and it got me thinking about why we stop doing hard things — and what happens to us when we do.
This episode is about doing the hard thing. Not the hard things that life hands you without asking — the sickness, the loss, the layoff, the breakup. I'm talking about the hard things you choose. The ones where your brain says "maybe I could do that" and then immediately talks you out of it.
I tell you about getting a score of 11 when the skater before me got a 22, sitting in the kiss and cry trying to figure out what just happened, and why I skated away from that knowing I need to grow my capacity for embarrassment — not avoid it. I share the difference between tolerating embarrassment (grinning and bearing it, hoping it never happens again) and actually growing your capacity for it (feeling it all the way through, having your own back, and moving on to the next thing). I talk about why courage isn't a personality trait — it's a skill you build, and how you can be courageous in one area of your life and terrified in another. And I tell you about the skater who's brave enough to compete but scared to start her business, because that's exactly how it works.
I also tell you why paying the entry fee is the easy part, why "what do I think I can do?" is the wrong question, and why fulfillment isn't something you find — it's something that arrives when you start doing things that scare you on purpose.
Key Takeaways:
Life hands you enough hard things you didn't choose. You need to add hard things you do choose — things that scare you, light you up, and make you think "fuck yeah, I did that."
"What do I think I can do?" is the wrong question. It's the question that keeps you small, and it gets more tempting the older you get.
You won't die from embarrassment. I know because I've been dead last by a lot, and I'm still here. You need to grow your capacity to feel embarrassed, not avoid it.
Tolerating embarrassment is grinning and bearing it and hoping it never happens again. Growing your capacity is feeling it all the way through, having your own back, and moving on to the next thing.
Courage isn't a personality trait. Nobody is naturally courageous. It's a skill, and once you know how to grow it, you can grow it anywhere, on demand.
You can be courageous in one area and terrified in another. The skater who competes without flinching but is afraid to start her business? That's all of us.
Fulfillment isn't something you find. It's something that arrives when you start doing hard things on purpose — growing your capacity for embarrassment and your ability to create courage.
Book a call with me: If you listen to this and something in you goes "oh, that's me — I need that," I want to talk to you. It's a free discovery call, just you and me, and it is a courageous first step. It might be the first time you let yourself say out loud what you actually want.
Book it here: amandahess.ca/bookacall
I'm at my competition until Saturday and heading home Sunday, but I want to talk to you next week.
Links referenced in this episode:
amandahess.ca/bookacall
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329. What If It Wasn't You? Internalized Blame with Maggie Reyes
Something goes wrong and your very first thought is "what did I do?" An unexpected meeting lands on your calendar and you spend the whole week reviewing everything you might have messed up. Someone's in a bad …
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Something goes wrong and your very first thought is "what did I do?" An unexpected meeting lands on your calendar and you spend the whole week reviewing everything you might have messed up. Someone's in a bad mood and you're already scanning for how it was you. That reflex has a name, it's called internalized blame, and it is not the same thing as taking responsibility for your life. It's the thing that keeps you small, quiet, and convinced there's no solution because the problem is you.
In this episode I'm joined by my mentor, my friend, and the reason I'm a coach at all, Maggie Reyes. Maggie is a feminist marriage coach and she's been part of my life since 2018. We talk about the difference between personal responsibility (which shows you where your choices are) and internalized blame (which just tells you something is wrong with you), why women get this messaging everywhere all the time, and what to do when you catch yourself blaming yourself for blaming yourself. Maggie shares the question she gives every client who does this, the pattern interrupt she gave a client whose thoughts felt like an assault, and the one thing she wants you to remember when you feel stuck in a job or a relationship past its expiry date.
I told the "doing an Amanda" story again on this one, and Maggie told me what her mom used to say to her in Spanish. It turns out both of us grew up being ridiculed for things that were just our brains doing their thing. We also got a spider on my clock mid-recording and Maggie looked up what it means. Apparently it's personal power and being the author of your own life. I'll take it.
Key Takeaways:
Personal responsibility asks "what was my role in this?" and moves you forward. Internalized blame says "something must be wrong with me" and leaves you in shame with no way out.
Being embarrassed that you fell down, bumped into something, or lost your balance is blaming yourself for being human. Humans fall. Humans bump into things. That's not going away.
When in doubt, assume it wasn't you. Yes, it feels arrogant. Do it on purpose anyway, because the honest truth is most of the time it isn't you and you never even consider that.
Ask "what else is also true?" You don't have to suddenly think amazing things about yourself. You just have to make room for the other nine things that are also true.
When the thoughts come in like a rampage, don't fight them. "Thank you. I hear you. That may or may not be true." Say it as many times as you need to. Tug on the rope and the dog pulls harder.
You have choices. Most of us stay in situations that hurt us because we get amnesia about that. "What are my choices here?" is the question that changes everything.
Call to Action:
Book a call with me: If you listened to this and heard yourself in it, if your first reaction to everything is "what did I do," I want to talk to you. It's a free call, just you and me on Zoom, and we'll figure out what's actually going on and what you want to do about it.
You are not the only one. I promise you that.
About Maggie Reyes:
Maggie Reyes is a Master Certified Life Coach, feminist marriage coach, and mentor on a mission to help women find their power in all their relationships—starting with marriage. She works with high-achieving women whose marriages are loving, respectful, and quietly stuck, helping them create meaningful change without waiting for their partners to participate first.
Maggie hosts The Marriage Life Coach Podcast (top 2% globally, 200+ episodes) and is the author of the bestselling Questions for Couples Journal. Her background in HR leadership in the cruise industry and at a multi-state law firm gives her a sharp read on power dynamics and high-stakes communication that translates directly into her coaching.
Based in Miami, Maggie is a Cuban-American Filipina who brings a compassionate feminist lens to her work. She's currently obsessed with Heated Rivalry, and also loves Formula One and Bridgerton.
Links Referenced:
Maggie's website: https://maggiereyes.com/
Maggie on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themaggiereyes/
The Marriage Life Coach Podcast: https://maggiereyes.com/podcast
Questions for Couples Journal: https://maggiereyes.com/
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328. The Anti-Hero: Why Nothing You've Tried Has Worked
Somewhere along the way, you were taught there was something wrong with you. How you looked, how you spoke, how you were in the world. So you spent years trying to prove that wrong, and no matter how hard you …
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Somewhere along the way, you were taught there was something wrong with you. How you looked, how you spoke, how you were in the world. So you spent years trying to prove that wrong, and no matter how hard you worked at it, you kept coming up short. You don't feel like a hero. A lot of days, you feel like a loser. That's where this class starts, and it's why I called it The Anti-Hero.
This episode is the replay of the live class I taught this week, and I did it differently than I ever have. No slides. Just me, a whiteboard, and the women who showed up. In it I walk you through why the voice in your head never shuts up (it's not what you think, and you can't think your way out of it), what emotions actually are and why you've been playing whack-a-mole with them, and why shame is always a liar. I teach you the 3 steps I use with every woman I coach, in the order they have to happen: regulate, allow, think on purpose. And I tell you about the girl in the Babysitters Club books who I was never going to be, and why Loki is the character I want you to think about instead.
I also cried on this one. I didn't plan to. I was telling the story of the first time someone said to me "you were never the problem," and it caught me. I left it in, because that moment is the whole point of this class.
Key Takeaways:
The person you've been measuring yourself against was never real. No woman has ever been her, and you were handed her anyway.
That voice in your head isn't keeping you honest. It's your nervous system stuck in survival, and you can't reason with a body in panic.
Regulation isn't "calm down." It's pebbles on the other side of the teeter totter, small and daily, until the hard days don't tip you.
You don't need to tolerate more emotion. You need to grow your capacity for it, the same way you'd build a bicep.
Shame is a liar. It was trained into you, and anything that was trained in can be untrained.
It's not "how do I do this." It's "who do I need to become." You're one belief away, not one strategy away.
Book a call with me: If you listen to this and something in you goes "oh, that's me," I want to talk to you. It's a free call, just you and me on Zoom, and it might be the first time you've had someone completely on your side while you say the thing out loud.
Book it here: amandahess.ca/bookacall
You are not the only one. I promise you that.
Links referenced in this episode:
Watch the class on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=po3p72xhYOE
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327. The Secret to Crushing Burnout: A Chat with Annabelle
Today I have my client Annabelle on the podcast, and I'm so glad she said yes.When Annabelle and I first started working together, she was sitting in the car with her husband in tears. They had just moved from …
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Today I have my client Annabelle on the podcast, and I'm so glad she said yes.
When Annabelle and I first started working together, she was sitting in the car with her husband in tears. They had just moved from Denver to Northwest Arkansas with a 4 year old and no family nearby, she had opened a business a few months earlier, and she was working 12, 13, 14 hours a day. Not sleeping. Not eating. Opening her laptop first thing in the morning and adding to her to do list at 2am. And still feeling behind.
If you have ever thought "if I just work harder, I'll finally catch up," you are going to hear yourself in this conversation.
A year later, Annabelle doesn't work evenings. She doesn't work weekends. She doesn't open her computer on a Sunday. She has time with her son that she's actually present for, and her business has grown, not shrunk. Her husband left his job to come work with her.
We talk about what changed and how she did it. The 15 minute walk that sounded almost too simple to matter. Deciding when she stops working for the day, and then actually stopping. The guilt that came with both. Why her to do lists were making everything worse, and what she does instead now. How she stopped treating other people's emergencies like her own, and what it took to believe she was allowed to.
And I want to say this clearly, because Annabelle owns a business and you might not: none of this is about business. This is about what happens when you're rushing, guilty, and behind in your own life, and nobody ever showed you another way to live it.
In this episode:
- Why working harder keeps you feeling behind instead of caught up
- Regulating your nervous system in a way that actually feels good, not like another item on the list
- The guilt loop: guilty at work, guilty at home, present nowhere
- Boundaries that hold, and the belief you need underneath them
- Why perfect isn't available and what to aim for instead
- Letting things off your plate without deciding you failed
Annabelle designs beautiful custom closets at Up Closets of NW Arkansas. If you're in the area, go look her up. Find her here: https://upclosets.com/nw-arkansas/
You are not the only one. I promise you that.
Takeaways:
- Working harder is not what gets you caught up. It's what keeps you feeling behind.
- Your nervous system comes first. Everything else you're trying to fix sits on top of it.
- A 15 minute walk sounds too small to matter, and it changed everything for Annabelle.
- If you don't plan it, you won't do it. That goes for rest as much as anything else.
- A boundary isn't something you ask other people to keep. It's something you decide and then hold.
- Nobody's emergency has to become your emergency.
- Perfect isn't available. Calm and honest is, and it works better anyway.
- Letting something off your plate is not failing. It's choosing where your time actually goes.
- You can have a full life and a growing business without burning yourself down to get it.
Want to explore working with Amanda? https://amandahess.ca/bookacall
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326. If Punishing Yourself Worked, You'd Have Healed By Now
If punishing yourself worked, you'd have healed by now. That's a line I said in a class recently, and I can't stop coming back to it. Most of us have been taught that when we're not getting what we want in …
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If punishing yourself worked, you'd have healed by now. That's a line I said in a class recently, and I can't stop coming back to it. Most of us have been taught that when we're not getting what we want in life, the fix is to punish ourselves. We just don't call it that. We call it "holding myself accountable," or "making sure I don't make the same mistake twice," or needing a system and a list and someone to keep us on track. It hides in all these reasonable-sounding places, and underneath it is the same quiet belief: that there's something about me I need to fix.
In this episode I talk about where that belief comes from, how far back it goes, and why it was never yours to carry in the first place. I share how "making a mess" got baked into my identity as a kid, and how so many of us walk around with a version of that: the hot mess, the scattered one, the one who's bad with money or bad with love. And I get honest about what actually happens when we beat ourselves up for it. We shrink. We get smaller and less visible and less willing to go build the life we actually want. You can't make big waves with your wings when you've convinced yourself you're the size of a fly.
I also tell you about throwing my hip out this week training for a figure skating competition, and the exact moment my brain tried to turn it into proof that I should have known better. Having your own back isn't something you master once. It's a practice you come back to, one moment at a time.
Key Takeaways:
- If punishing yourself actually worked, you'd already be healed. You've tried it for years, and it keeps doing the opposite of what you hoped.
- "Holding yourself accountable" is often self-punishment in disguise. It hides in the lists, the systems, and the "hot mess" identity we carry around.
- The stories about who you are (scattered, clumsy, bad with money, bad with love) were baked in during childhood. They were never the truth about you.
- Beating yourself up makes you shrink. You get smaller, less visible, and less able to create what you actually want.
- Radical acceptance of a messy life beats chasing a perfect one. Show me a person and I'll show you a messy life. Perfection is a setup, not a standard.
- Real change comes from learning to have your own back: regulating your nervous system, growing your capacity for big emotion, shifting your perspective, and setting boundaries, again and again over time.
Come to my free class: I'm running a free class called The Anti-Hero on Monday, August 24th at 12:00 PM Pacific. It's all about shame, and about learning to have your own back in a way you've probably never heard before. Come find out what it feels like to stop being the woman who's always punishing herself, and imagine who you get to be on the other side of that.
Save your seat: amandahess.ca/shame1
You are not the only one. I promise you that.
Links referenced in this episode:
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325. Invisible Sin: The Truth About The Woman Who Cheats
Today we're talking about something I've wanted to make an episode about for a long time: infidelity. Specifically, the woman who cheats.If that's you, I already know you're carrying a crushing weight — the …
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Today we're talking about something I've wanted to make an episode about for a long time: infidelity. Specifically, the woman who cheats.
If that's you, I already know you're carrying a crushing weight — the secrecy, the panic, the shame society piles on top. Because we've all been told that cheating is the ultimate, unforgivable relationship sin. But after years of coaching and hundreds of women, here's what I've come to believe: cheating is the symptom, not the start. It almost never shows up in a vibrant, healthy relationship. It shows up after years of what I call the invisible sins — chronic emotional neglect, stonewalling, contempt, weaponized incompetence, being starved of affection and visibility. The partner who looks great on paper while you slowly disappear inside your own home.
This is a judgment-free zone. I'm not here to make excuses or decide who's right and who's wrong. I'm here to explore what was actually happening, what was missing, and how you move forward.
So I ask the questions I ask in coaching. Before the affair ever started, what were you tolerating every day? Who did you get to be with someone else that you weren't allowed to be in your own relationship? Was it about the sex, or the feeling of being wanted and prioritized after years of feeling like furniture?
Here's the part almost nobody says: the perpetual giving is what created the vacuum in the first place. You were never taught how to know what you want. You were taught to perform — be a good girl, look good, keep it all together — and then you woke up one day feeling nothing. That's not selfishness. That's what happens after a lifetime of being told your desire is dirty and your job is to keep everyone else okay.
I don't do the shame-to-guilt thing you see all over the internet. Guilt is just as damaging as shame. And no — if you're listening to this, you are not a narcissist. What you need isn't more punishment. You've been holding yourself accountable every single day, or you wouldn't be here. What you need is to learn how to have your own back, how to move through the heavy feelings instead of shoving them down, and how to turn want and desire back on in every part of your life. When those things come online, everything else gets easier.
You were never the problem. And you are not the only one. I promise you that.
The free class: I'm teaching a class on all of this called The Anti-Hero — because you can be the hero of your own life even if nobody else sees it. Monday, August 24th at 12:00 PM Pacific, about an hour, completely free. Sign up at AmandaHess.ca/shame1 or through the link in the show notes. I'd love to see you there.
Takeaways:
- Infidelity is often viewed as the ultimate sin, but let's be real: relationships can be super complicated and messy, with many hidden issues lurking beneath the surface.
- Cheating is more of a symptom than the root cause of relationship problems, highlighting the need for deeper self-awareness and understanding of personal desires.
- Many women don’t even know what they want due to societal pressures to perform and be ‘good,’ leaving them feeling empty and unfulfilled in their relationships.
- In the quest for happiness, it’s crucial to learn how to advocate for yourself and embrace your desires, rather than feeling guilty or ashamed for wanting more from life.
- Emotional neglect and invisible cruelties in relationships often lead to infidelity, as individuals seek validation and fulfillment outside their primary partnership.
- To truly move forward from any shame or guilt surrounding infidelity, it's essential to tackle those feelings head-on, developing a stronger sense of self and what you truly desire.
Links referenced in this episode:
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324. Everybody is not an idiot. Not even you. Why changing this one belief will change your entire life for the better
This episode is all about judgment: why we're so quick to hand out labels, and what happens when we stop. It started with a lightbulb moment at a family gathering that turned into a bit of a masterclass in how …
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This episode is all about judgment: why we're so quick to hand out labels, and what happens when we stop. It started with a lightbulb moment at a family gathering that turned into a bit of a masterclass in how fast our brains reach for judgment over understanding.
We're digging into why choosing to believe that everyone — yes, even the guy who just cut you off in traffic — is doing their best can genuinely change how you move through the world. When we trade judgment for empathy, we lighten our own emotional load and make room for better relationships, too.
Grab your drink of choice and settle in — because understanding ourselves is the first step to understanding everyone else.
Takeaways:
- In a world filled with judgment, understanding that everyone is doing their best can radically transform our personal interactions and emotional well-being.
- Our brains naturally categorize actions as good or bad, but breaking free from this binary thinking can lead to more compassionate relationships.
- Being a life coach means navigating through my own judgments while helping others; it's a continuous journey of self-discovery and empathy.
- When we approach difficult interactions with understanding rather than judgment, we create an environment where everyone can thrive, including ourselves.
Links referenced in this episode:
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323. Leaning Into the Messy Life — Why Deciding Life Is Supposed to Be Messy Will Save Your Happiness
Life is messy. Yours, mine, everyone's. And somewhere along the way we decided that was the problem. Something to clean up before we're allowed to be happy.It's not.I'm Amanda Hess, certified life coach, and …
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Life is messy. Yours, mine, everyone's. And somewhere along the way we decided that was the problem. Something to clean up before we're allowed to be happy.
It's not.
I'm Amanda Hess, certified life coach, and this episode is about a trap I watch women live in for years. The "I'll be happy when." When the house is calm. When the hard thing is over. When I finally have it together.
The messy and the hard don't come in a separate box from the beautiful and the fulfilling. Same box. Same life. It's 50/50, and that's not proof you're failing. That's just how it works.
So we stop waiting for the mess to clear. We lean in. And then we do the part that actually shifts things. We stop obsessing over what we're doing wrong and we start looking at what we want. Where we're going. Because that's the question that matters, and it's the one most of us never get to. We're too busy grading ourselves.
Takeaways:
- The mess isn't blocking the good life. It's part of it. Stop waiting for a cleaner version that was never coming.
- "Once I clean this up, then I'll thrive" is the trap. The hard and the beautiful come together. Same life, same day, both at once.
- Life is 50/50. When you stop reading the hard half as proof you're behind, you can finally be where you actually are.
- Drop the idea of "normal." Chasing it keeps you measuring your life against a standard that doesn't exist.
- The move that changes everything: stop obsessing over what you're doing wrong and start building what feels right. What do you want? Where are you going? That matters more.
Links referenced in this episode:
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322. Summer Shame: Why Sunshine Doesn't Always Equal Happiness
Summer isn’t always the sun-soaked paradise we imagine it to be, and today, we’re diving headfirst into the sticky, sometimes cringe-worthy world of summertime shame. It’s a unique flavor of shame that creeps …
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Summer isn’t always the sun-soaked paradise we imagine it to be, and today, we’re diving headfirst into the sticky, sometimes cringe-worthy world of summertime shame. It’s a unique flavor of shame that creeps up on us when we’re basking in the sun, and trust me, I’ve seen it pop up in all sorts of unexpected places. Whether it’s about how we look in a swimsuit or feeling like we should be doing more with our sunny days, this episode is all about unpacking that baggage. Together, we’ll explore why this shame is so prevalent and how it can drive our behaviors in ways that leave us feeling less-than-stellar. So, grab your favorite fruity drink, kick back, and let’s chat about how to recognize, confront, and ultimately embrace our summer selves without the guilt trip!
Takeaways:
- Summer isn't just about sunshine and good vibes; it can also bring out some serious shame that we need to tackle head-on.
- Understanding our shame during summer activities helps us reclaim our joy and embrace our bodies just as they are, flaws and all.
- Shame often hides in the dark corners of our minds, but by bringing it into the light, we can explore and process it effectively.
- Shifting our perspective on beauty standards allows us to redefine what we find beautiful about ourselves, moving away from societal pressure.
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321. Why You Don't Have a Self-Love Problem, But a Shame Problem
Here's this episode: I'm going after the thing nobody wants to name.Everyone tells you the problem is that you don't love yourself enough. It's not. The problem is shame. That's it. That's the whole thing …
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Here's this episode: I'm going after the thing nobody wants to name.
Everyone tells you the problem is that you don't love yourself enough. It's not. The problem is shame. That's it. That's the whole thing. Shame is what shows up the second you're anything less than perfect, and every single human on the planet has it — but women get handed a bigger pile of it. We're taught to feel shame about our bodies, our parenting, our work, the way we take up space in a room.
So no, I'm not going to tell you to love yourself harder. I'm going to ask you to look at the shame first.
I get into where it actually shows up — standing at a party feeling like you don't belong, swallowing what you were about to say in a meeting because some part of you decided it wasn't worth hearing. I tell you about my own. Because you can't love your way past something you won't look at.
Self-love isn't a place you arrive at. It's what happens when you stop running from your shame and get to know it instead. That's how you get your power back.
Takeaways:
- Self-love isn't about lacking shame; it's about embracing and navigating through it effectively.
- Shame is a universal experience; we all feel it, but it's how we handle it that matters.
- We're socialized to feel shame, especially as women, which can sabotage our self-worth and happiness.
- True self-love is an active, ongoing process, not just a one-time affirmation in front of a mirror.
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320. Take Back Your Life: The Case Against Responsibility Hoarding
Are you a responsibility hoarder? Well, if you've ever felt like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, this episode is right up your alley! We’re diving headfirst into the intriguing …
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Are you a responsibility hoarder? Well, if you've ever felt like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, this episode is right up your alley! We’re diving headfirst into the intriguing concept of responsibility hoarding, a term that packs a punch and might just hit a little too close to home for some of us. We chat about how many of us take on responsibilities that are way outside our control, often at the expense of our own well-being. And guess what? It’s not just about the big stuff; those little things we worry about can pile up like laundry after a Netflix binge! So, grab a comfy seat, maybe a snack (or a plant, if you’re feeling fancy), and let’s unravel the layers of what it means to hoard responsibility and how we can break free from the shackles of other people's expectations. Trust me, by the end, you’ll see that the only responsibility you really need to focus on is your own fabulous self!
Ever found yourself in a pickle, feeling like you have to hold the universe on your shoulders? Welcome to the world of responsibility hoarding, where we take on the emotional weight of others, believing it’s our job to fix or manage their lives. In this engaging episode, we unpack the nuances of this behavior, diving deep into its roots and implications. Our conversation is peppered with real-life scenarios and a touch of humor, making the heavy topic of emotional responsibility feel a little lighter. We talk about the classic symptoms of responsibility hoarding, like being a people pleaser or feeling the need to control others’ emotional responses. Through a mix of thoughtful commentary and witty banter, we guide listeners to reflect on their own tendencies and consider the liberating truth that we are only responsible for ourselves. By the end, you’ll be equipped with insights that could revolutionize the way you approach relationships and self-care, all while having a few chuckles along the way!
Takeaways:
- In this episode, we dive deep into the concept of responsibility hoarding and how it affects our mental well-being.
- Are you a responsibility hoarder? Spoiler alert: it’s more common than you think, and it’s time to let go!
- We explore the fine line between being responsible and taking on burdens that aren’t ours to bear, so grab your thinking cap!
- Funny enough, being a collector of responsibilities can bring joy, while hoarding them? Not so much, and we break it down.
- You can only control your actions, thoughts, and feelings—everyone else is off the hook, and that’s liberating, right?
- Join us as we uncover how to shift the focus back to self-love and responsibility for oneself, not others.
Links referenced in this episode:
- show-notes
- apple-podcasts
- book a discovery call: https://amandahess.ca/bookacall
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319. Sometimes the Truth Doesn't Serve You
Alright, folks! So today we’re diving headfirst into the wild world of self-criticism and the liberating idea that sometimes, the truth just doesn’t serve us. Picture this: you drop a glass and suddenly you’re …
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Alright, folks! So today we’re diving headfirst into the wild world of self-criticism and the liberating idea that sometimes, the truth just doesn’t serve us. Picture this: you drop a glass and suddenly you’re the clumsy villain of your own story! But guess what? It’s time to flip the script! I’m here to chat with you about how our interpretations of our little blunders can spiral into a tsunami of self-loathing, and how we can break free from that cycle. We’ll unpack the notion that how we perceive our mess-ups—big or small—can shape our confidence and overall vibe in life. Trust me, realizing that life is messy and that we don’t need to play the blame game can be a total game-changer. So let’s kick that guilt to the curb and learn to be our own biggest cheerleaders instead! Ready? Let’s roll!
Takeaways:
- Life is messy and embracing that messiness allows us to approach our emotions and experiences with more grace and understanding, instead of blame.
- Understanding that our perceptions of truth can often hinder our growth is vital for personal development and emotional resilience.
- Rather than focusing on whose fault it is when something goes wrong, we should ask ourselves how to move forward and what we can learn from the situation.
- Shame and guilt are unhelpful emotions that can prevent us from making progress; instead, we should learn to be kind to ourselves and focus on constructive actions.
- The narrative we create about ourselves in moments of failure can either propel us forward or hold us back, so we must choose our words carefully.
- We often believe that attributing blame leads to accountability, but in reality, it can create more negativity; let’s focus on solutions instead.
Links referenced in this episode:
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318. Navigating Family Drama Like a Pro: Patterns, Pleasing, and Perception!
Alright, folks, let’s dive into some juicy family dynamics! Today, we're peeling back the layers on why family gatherings feel like stepping into a well-rehearsed play where everyone knows their …
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Alright, folks, let’s dive into some juicy family dynamics! Today, we're peeling back the layers on why family gatherings feel like stepping into a well-rehearsed play where everyone knows their lines—especially those cringe-worthy ones. The real kicker? It’s not about the events themselves; it's about the patterns we’ve been stuck in since we were knee-high to a grasshopper. We're talking about those age-old scripts we keep repeating, and trust me, they’re not as random as you think. Spoiler alert: it’s your nervous system playing tricks on you, making you time travel back to your childhood every time Uncle Bob brings up politics at the barbecue. So grab your favorite snack, settle in, and let’s explore how we can break those patterns without putting the blame on anyone else—because, really, who has the energy for that?
Takeaways:
- Navigating family dynamics often unveils deep-rooted patterns that we unknowingly perpetuate, impacting our emotional well-being.
- The key to transforming how we interact with family involves reframing blame and focusing on personal accountability instead.
- Our nervous systems have been conditioned from childhood to react in predictable ways during family gatherings, leading to emotional time travel.
- Mastering the art of storytelling about our experiences can significantly alter our emotional responses and improve our overall happiness.
Links referenced in this episode:
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317. Accountability Or Self-Love — The hidden shame of motivation and accountability
DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE YOU SET A GOAL, PUSH HARD FOR A FEW DAYS—AND THEN FALL OFF AND WONDER WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?Like no matter how many times you try, you can't seem to make yourself do the things you say you …
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DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE YOU SET A GOAL, PUSH HARD FOR A FEW DAYS—AND THEN FALL OFF AND WONDER WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
Like no matter how many times you try, you can't seem to make yourself do the things you say you want to do?
If that's you, this episode is going to change how you see yourself.
Because it's not that you're lazy. And it's not that you lack discipline.
It's that the fuel you've been using to motivate yourself is actually working against you—and no one has ever shown you what to use instead.
In this episode, I'm breaking down why accountability and motivation fail most people, what's really underneath the cycle of trying and quitting, and what it actually takes to build habits that stick long term.
In This Episode, I Cover:
- Why motivation and accountability alone will never be enough
- The real reason you can push for a few days—but can't make it last
- How shame becomes the hidden fuel behind most "self-improvement" efforts
- Why using self-hatred as motivation has a built-in breaking point
- The difference between forcing yourself and genuinely wanting to show up
- Why love is a more powerful motivator than frustration, disappointment, or disgust
- How to get specific about why you actually want what you want
- Why your brain resists new habits—and why that doesn't mean anything is wrong with you
- The practical steps to remove barriers and make showing up easier
- How to talk to yourself the night before so you actually follow through
- The toddler analogy that reframes everything about self-discipline
- Why a D-plus effort is still better than nothing—and how to own that
- What regulated accountability actually looks like versus dysregulated forcing
- How to flex when life gets in the way without quitting entirely
- What changes when you stop using guilt and start using radical self-acceptance
Key Takeaway
You don't have a motivation problem. You have a fuel problem.
Shame, guilt, and self-disgust can push you for a few days—but they will always break down. They are not a long-term solution.
What actually works is getting specific about why you want what you want, removing the barriers between you and the action, and learning to redirect yourself with kindness instead of force.
You don't need to be harder on yourself. You need to be more honest—and more loving.
Invitation
I'm running JuneTube all month inside the Love Yourself No Matter What community—weekly trainings, weekly lives, and everything you need to actually use these tools and create a different kind of summer.
To get access, grab the free End Overthinking Five-Minute Reset Ritual at:
👉 joinamanda.ca
You'll get the audio training plus an invitation to everything happening in June.
Ready to Go Deeper?
If you want support implementing this work in your own life, you can book a discovery call with me.
We'll talk about what's going on for you and whether coaching together would be a good fit.
Book here: amandahess.ca/bookacall
Connect With Me
If this episode resonated, I'd love to hear from you.
Send me a message on Instagram: @theamandahess
Or visit www.amandahess.ca to learn more about working together.
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316. What Happens When the Helper Can't Handle You (When Coaches & Therapists Shame You)
What Happens When the Helper Can't Handle YouThere is a systemic failure happening in the helping industry — and nobody is talking about it.Coaches and therapists are opening emotional doors they are completely …
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What Happens When the Helper Can't Handle YouThere is a systemic failure happening in the helping industry — and nobody is talking about it.
Coaches and therapists are opening emotional doors they are completely unprepared to sit in. And when you show up authentically — crying, angry, overwhelmed, resistant — instead of being held, you get shut down. Pathologized. Shamed into getting small.
I'm recording this one hot, because it happened to me today. And I need you to hear it.
What I cover in this episode:
- The $25,000 business mastermind where I was told they'd "move on" while I cried — and how it took me months to recover my confidence
- Being interrupted mid-share and told to mute myself and come back with a "more appropriate" share
- Being told by a business coach — twice — that I needed therapy, not coaching
- Why this isn't a you problem — it's a capacity problem on their end
- Why shutting down emotion doesn't protect the client — it retraumatizes them
- What trauma-aware support actually looks like in practice
- Clients who've been fired by therapists for being "too emotional" — and why that's an industry failure, not a client failure
- What it looks like when all of it is welcome: crying, anger, resistance, circling, even lying — none of it pathologized
The truth I keep coming back to:
Shame is the mechanism used to make you small. When someone in authority responds to your emotion with dismissal or redirection, the message that lands is: what you just did was wrong. And you shrink. You manage yourself. You stop showing up fully.
That was never your shame to hold.
You are allowed to show up as the fullest, most authentic version of yourself. There are helpers — coaches, therapists, friends, partners — who won't reject that. Your job is to find them.
If this resonated:
Book a free discovery call with me: amandahess.ca/bookacall
Connect on Instagram: @theamandahess
How To Become The Woman You Secretly Want To Be
Do you ever feel like there’s a version of you that wants more out of life…More joy.More confidence.More freedom.More YOU.But every time you try to move toward her, something pulls you back?In this episode …
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Do you ever feel like there’s a version of you that wants more out of life…
More joy.
More confidence.
More freedom.
More YOU.
But every time you try to move toward her, something pulls you back?
In this episode, we’re talking about identity, possibility, and why becoming the woman you want to be has less to do with “fixing yourself” and more to do with what your brain believes is possible for you.
I share a story from figure skating that completely shifted how I think about growth and identity, and why being around people who are already doing the things you want to do changes your brain faster than trying to force yourself to believe differently.
We also talk about:
Why sensitive women often stay stuck in old identities
How your environment shapes what feels possible
Why your thoughts are not facts
The psychology behind seeing other people do what you want to do
Why your brain resists change (even when you WANT it)
What Rick Rubin calls the “lazy brain”
Why more possibility creates more freedom
The connection between anxiety, emotional heaviness, and purpose
Why you don’t need to “fix” yourself to create a different life
How coaching, support, and community help you expand your identity
The biggest takeaway from this episode:
You are not as stuck as you think you are.
Sometimes your brain just needs evidence that another way of living is possible.
And when you start surrounding yourself with people, spaces, and conversations that expand what feels possible…
you start becoming someone new without even realizing it.
If this episode resonated and you want support applying this work in your own life, you can book a discovery call with me here:
amandahess.ca/bookacall
Connect with me on Instagram:
@theamandahess
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314. Silence Your Inner Critic: The Power of Quiet Time
Today I’m talking about something I see constantly in women who are overwhelmed, emotionally reactive, anxious, or stuck in survival mode: the inability to slow down and be alone with themselves.So many of us …
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Today I’m talking about something I see constantly in women who are overwhelmed, emotionally reactive, anxious, or stuck in survival mode: the inability to slow down and be alone with themselves.
So many of us are constantly doing. Working, parenting, helping everyone else, consuming self-help, listening to podcasts, journaling, trying to improve ourselves, trying to stay productive — and while none of those things are bad, eventually we lose our connection to ourselves.
In this episode, I’m talking about:
- Why constant doing can keep us emotionally dysregulated
- What emotional reactivity actually is
- How fear of feeling keeps us stuck in fight, flight, freeze, and fawn
- Why silence feels uncomfortable for so many women
- The importance of emotional safety and nervous system regulation
- How to build the ability to feel emotions without becoming consumed by them
- Small ways to slow down and reconnect with yourself throughout your day
This episode is a reminder that healing is not always about doing more. Sometimes it’s about creating enough space to finally hear yourself again.
Key Takeaways- Emotional reactivity isn’t just about outward behaviour — it’s when emotions are running your internal experience.
- Many women stay busy because being alone with themselves feels unsafe.
- Constant input and productivity can disconnect us from our bodies and nervous systems.
- Fear of emotion creates chronic fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses.
- Emotional safety is something we can build over time.
- Small moments of silence and grounding matter more than you think.
- Healing is not about white-knuckling your way through life.
Quotes From This Episode“All of your life is not a doing problem. It’s a being problem.”“The more emotionally safe you feel, the more able you are to allow emotion.”“If everything you do is designed to get rid of emotion, you’re going to live in fear.”“We live in a society that is perpetually inputting into us — and we never give ourselves space to release it.”“Silence is a skill. Being alone with yourself is a skill.”Call to ActionIf this episode resonated with you and you’re realizing how much of your life has been spent in survival mode, I’d love to support you.
You can book a free discovery call at:
Together, we can look at what’s keeping you emotionally stuck, how to create more emotional safety, and whether coaching is the right next step for you.
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313. How to Build a Fuck Yes Life With a Sensitive Brain
Let me tell you, if you’ve ever felt like you just can’t shake off a past hurt, you’re in for a treat. We’re diving into the fascinating world of trauma—what it really is and why it affects us all differently …
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Let me tell you, if you’ve ever felt like you just can’t shake off a past hurt, you’re in for a treat. We’re diving into the fascinating world of trauma—what it really is and why it affects us all differently. I’m talking about the sneaky ways that emotional pain can manifest in our daily lives, from the tone of someone’s voice to the way silence can feel like a punch in the gut. It turns out that our brains are wired to keep us safe, but sometimes, they misinterpret signals and lead us down a rabbit hole of anxiety and fear. We’ll unpack why trying to simply ‘think’ your way out of it is like trying to use a spoon to dig a hole—it’s just not going to work! Instead, I’ll share some insights on how to work with your nervous system to create a sense of safety and stability in your life. Plus, I’ve got a brand new free class coming up that’s perfect for anyone feeling stuck in the cycle of overthinking. It’s time to learn how to prioritize your feelings without guilt and start living a ‘fuck yes’ life—one that’s truly yours!
Takeaways:
- You might think you're overreacting, but your brain is just processing trauma differently than others.
- Replaying conversations is not a flaw; it’s your brain's way of trying to create safety after emotional pain.
- Feeling anxious or reactive isn't a logic issue; it's a feelings problem that needs to be addressed with care.
- It's crucial to realize that your needs are just as important as everyone else's, not optional.
- Suppressing emotions only makes things worse; you need to learn how to process feelings effectively.
- A 'fuck yes' life is about prioritizing your own desires and needs, not waiting for others to validate you.
Links referenced in this episode:
312. You Don’t Need More Self-Improvement
Alright friend, grab your gardening gloves because today we’re talking about something really important: how to create a life that actually blooms.The biggest takeaway from this episode?I think we spend way too …
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Alright friend, grab your gardening gloves because today we’re talking about something really important: how to create a life that actually blooms.
The biggest takeaway from this episode?
I think we spend way too much time pulling weeds and not nearly enough time planting flowers.
You know how in spring we clean out our gardens? We pull out the dead stuff, clear the weeds, make space for something new. I really think we need to do the same thing mentally and emotionally too.
So many women are walking around completely focused on what’s wrong. What’s wrong with them. What’s wrong with their relationship. Their body. Their job. Their life. And while yes — sometimes we absolutely do need to deal with the weeds — I don’t think healing is supposed to just be endless weeding.
At some point, we also have to plant flowers.
In this episode, I talk about:
- Why constantly “fixing yourself” can actually keep you stuck
- The difference between pulling weeds and creating beauty
- Nervous system regulation that actually feels supportive and doable
- Why pleasure matters more than most women realize
- How kindness, rest, joy, and unconditional love change your life
- Why so many women are burned out from trying to hold too many plates
- How to start creating a life that feels full instead of just managed
I also share why figure skating is one of the biggest nervous system regulators in my own life, and why the things that light you up emotionally are not frivolous — they’re necessary.
This episode is really an invitation to stop living in constant maintenance mode and start intentionally creating a life you actually want to be inside of.
Because the truth is:
If all we ever do is pull weeds, we end up exhausted.
But when we start planting flowers?
Everything changes. 🌸
Want to talk to me directly? Book a free discovery call here:
- amandahess.ca/bookacall
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311. Why Mantras & Journaling Aren’t Working (And What To Do Instead)
If you’ve been repeating affirmations, journaling your thoughts, and still feeling stuck… we need to talk.Because it’s not that you’re doing it wrong.It’s that these tools aren’t actually designed to create the …
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If you’ve been repeating affirmations, journaling your thoughts, and still feeling stuck… we need to talk.
Because it’s not that you’re doing it wrong.
It’s that these tools aren’t actually designed to create the kind of change you’re looking for.
In this episode, I’m breaking down why mantras and journaling often don’t work—especially for sensitive, self-aware women—and what to do instead.
Mantras can create internal conflict when your brain doesn’t believe what you’re saying.
Journaling can turn into rumination that reinforces the exact patterns you’re trying to break.
So if you’ve ever felt like:
“I should be further along by now”
“I know better, so why am I still stuck?”
“I’ve done so much work, why hasn’t anything really changed?”
This episode will land.
I’m going to show you a different way to work with your brain—one that actually creates emotional buy-in, shifts your beliefs, and changes how you show up in your life.
✨ In This Episode, I Talk About:- Why mantras often feel empty (and can actually increase anxiety)
- How journaling can quietly reinforce negative thinking patterns
- The role your survival brain is playing behind the scenes
- Why your beliefs—not your thoughts—are what need to change
- The real skill that creates confidence, calm, and lasting change
- How asking better questions can completely shift your emotional state
🔑 What I Want You To Take Away:You don’t need to force yourself to think positively.
You need to learn how to question what you’re thinking in a way that actually opens something up.
💭 Try This Instead:Next time you feel stuck, don’t reach for a mantra.
Ask yourself:
- What if this isn’t actually true?
- What would be possible if I believed I was enough?
- How would I show up if I felt fully accepted?
Let your brain answer. That’s where the shift happens.
💬 Want Help With This?This is exactly the work I do with my clients.
If you’re ready to stop spinning in your head and actually create change that feels real and sustainable, you can book a call with me:
📲 Come Say HiIf this episode resonated, DM me on Instagram or TikTok. I’d love to hear what landed for you.
Links referenced in this episode:
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310. Why You Feel “Too Emotional” (And Why You’re Not)
If you’ve ever thought “why am I so emotional?” or felt like you’re just too sensitive for this world, this episode is going to shift everything.Because what if the problem isn’t your emotions…but what you’ve …
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If you’ve ever thought “why am I so emotional?” or felt like you’re just too sensitive for this world, this episode is going to shift everything.Because what if the problem isn’t your emotions…
but what you’ve been taught to believe about them?
In this episode, I’m breaking down the hidden conditioning that makes sensitive women feel weak, overwhelmed, or “too much”—and why that narrative is not only false, it’s keeping you stuck.
We’ll talk about:
- Why being emotional has been framed as a flaw
- How society profits from you believing something is wrong with you
- The real reason you feel overwhelmed, reactive, or “too much”
- Why trying to fix yourself is making things worse
- The powerful shift from problem-focused → desire-led living
- How to start trusting your sensitivity instead of fighting it
If you’re a deeply feeling, intuitive woman who’s tired of trying to be less…
this is your permission slip to stop.
🎧 What You’ll Walk Away With- A completely new way to understand your emotional experience
- Relief from the belief that you’re “too much” or broken
- A starting point for working with your sensitivity instead of against it
- A powerful reframe that opens the door to more peace, energy, and self-trust
💬 Ready to Go Deeper?If this episode hit home and you’re ready to stop overthinking, people-pleasing, and feeling stuck in your own emotions…
Book a free discovery call with me:
👉 https://amandahess.ca/book-a-call
We’ll talk about what’s going on for you and map out what real support could look like.
🔁 Share This EpisodeKnow someone who feels like they’re “too emotional” or struggles with sensitivity?
Send this to her. It might be exactly what she needs to hear.
309. How to Stop Feeling Like You’re Perpetually Dismissed
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