Ross O’Carroll-Kelly
- Episodes
- 612
- Released
- weekly
- Latest episode
- Nov 13, 2026
About the podcast
The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard.
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Episodes 612
What Leo said will haunt me for the rest of my days: ‘We’ve been asked to join the ensemble’
I was driven to it. That’s all I’m going to say in my defence. My, my, At Waterloo Napoleon did surrender. And it wasn’t just Brian singing it. Yeah, no, the other two idiots had been roped in and were doing …
Show notes
I was driven to it. That’s all I’m going to say in my defence. My, my, At Waterloo Napoleon did surrender. And it wasn’t just Brian singing it. Yeah, no, the other two idiots had been roped in and were doing backing vocals. I tore up the stairs and burst into their room to find the three of them not only singing but doing actual dance steps.Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Ross, do you remember I told you I would break up your marriage even if it was my last act in this life?’
Sorcha’s old pair are here. Yeah, no, Honor brings the news to me while I’m doing my morning sit-ups. As you probably know, they’re not exactly fans of what I would call my whole act? Hosted on Acast. See …
Show notes
Sorcha’s old pair are here. Yeah, no, Honor brings the news to me while I’m doing my morning sit-ups. As you probably know, they’re not exactly fans of what I would call my whole act?Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
I’m like, ‘Can this wait, Honor? I’m thinking about rugby’
I think I’m on the record somewhere as saying that I’d prefer to be remembered as a great father than a great number ten. It’s total horseshit, of course. I’d much prefer if people talked about my abilities …
Show notes
I think I’m on the record somewhere as saying that I’d prefer to be remembered as a great father than a great number ten. It’s total horseshit, of course. I’d much prefer if people talked about my abilities with a rugby ball after I’m gone. But being a brilliant, brilliant parent is sort of, like, my superpower? As in, I’ve no actual control over it. And I don’t know why I’ve been given it. It’s just a fact that I have to accept.Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Oh my God,’ Sorcha goes. ‘Did you lock Brian in the attic?’
So – yeah, no – I’m in the cor with the boys, driving home from The Bridge 1859 after watching The Ster make shit of Clermont Auvergne, when the usual rugby singsong storts up. Hosted on Acast. See …
Show notes
So – yeah, no – I’m in the cor with the boys, driving home from The Bridge 1859 after watching The Ster make shit of Clermont Auvergne, when the usual rugby singsong storts up.Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Drop the Carmela Soprano act, Rosser,’ Ronan goes when I ask him if Sorcha’s ring was stolen
Ronan is smoking one of his famous rollies in the doorway of the Museum of the Irish Gangster when he sees me coming. “Rosser!” he goes. “The fook are you doing on Capel Street dressed like that? Did you take a …
Show notes
Ronan is smoking one of his famous rollies in the doorway of the Museum of the Irish Gangster when he sees me coming. “Rosser!” he goes. “The fook are you doing on Capel Street dressed like that? Did you take a wrong turden cubbing ourra Chapter One again?”Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Sorcha’s old dear singing sounds like a fox with its head trapped in a gate
It’s every parent’s worst nightmare. Sorcha goes, “You’re being ridiculous, Ross.” I’m there, “Oh, I’m being ridiculous, am I? My son gives up rugby to play the port of Sam Cormichael in Mamma Mia! and I’m the …
Show notes
It’s every parent’s worst nightmare. Sorcha goes, “You’re being ridiculous, Ross.” I’m there, “Oh, I’m being ridiculous, am I? My son gives up rugby to play the port of Sam Cormichael in Mamma Mia! and I’m the one being ridiculous!”Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘So Westlife, huh? We’re all big fans in our gaff, aren’t we, Honor?’
I’m like, “Westlife?” And I say it like that as well. I’m there, “Why are you going to see Westlife? You always said–” Honor goes, “No, I didn’t. I actually like Westlife?” and she’s telling me to – yeah, no …
Show notes
I’m like, “Westlife?” And I say it like that as well. I’m there, “Why are you going to see Westlife? You always said–” Honor goes, “No, I didn’t. I actually like Westlife?” and she’s telling me to – yeah, no – shut the fock up with her eyes.Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘We’ve been trying to break them up, haven’t we? A year or two in the clink – he won’t wait for her’
The old man tells Hennessy that he has every faith in him. Hennessy’s like, “Wait a minute, what?” Yeah, no, we’re sitting in the District Court in Bray, waiting for Bernie’s case to be called. Hosted on Acast …
Show notes
The old man tells Hennessy that he has every faith in him. Hennessy’s like, “Wait a minute, what?” Yeah, no, we’re sitting in the District Court in Bray, waiting for Bernie’s case to be called.Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Four Feds step into the kitchen. One of them is like, ‘Well, Bernie?’
“So, anyway, I tee’d off,” the old man goes, loving the sound of his own voice, “and of course I managed to slice the bloody-well ball and, well, naturally enough, it ended up in the lake!” Hosted on Acast. See …
Show notes
“So, anyway, I tee’d off,” the old man goes, loving the sound of his own voice, “and of course I managed to slice the bloody-well ball and, well, naturally enough, it ended up in the lake!”Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘I did the deed with the girlfriend of a very good friend and it’s been bothering my conscience lately’
JP looks well – even though I don’t know what to call him any more? I’m like, “So how are things – I don’t know – Father?” He actually laughs at that? He’s there, “Ross, you don’t have to call me Father.” I’m …
Show notes
JP looks well – even though I don’t know what to call him any more? I’m like, “So how are things – I don’t know – Father?” He actually laughs at that? He’s there, “Ross, you don’t have to call me Father.” I’m like, “What do I call you then?” because it’s my first time seeing the dude since he finished his studies to become an actual priest.Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
At the end of the summer, just like the rest of you, I’m sick of the sight of my children
I think I’m on the record as saying that being a parent is one of those things that I just happen to be very, very good at without having to put any actual effort into it. Even allowing for that, at the end of …
Show notes
I think I’m on the record as saying that being a parent is one of those things that I just happen to be very, very good at without having to put any actual effort into it. Even allowing for that, at the end of a long, hot summer, just like the rest of you, I’m absolutely sick of the sight of my children and I’m glad they’re now someone else’s problem until the end of October.Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Your father’s playing golf in Doonbeg,’ Hennessy goes. ‘While the cat’s away, the mice will fornicate’
Hennessy is grinning like a dog trying to pass a laundry ball through its urinary tract. Yeah, no, for five days now, me and Bernie from Bray of all places have been – in fairness – texting each other, and the …
Show notes
Hennessy is grinning like a dog trying to pass a laundry ball through its urinary tract. Yeah, no, for five days now, me and Bernie from Bray of all places have been – in fairness – texting each other, and the dude is reading through the exchanges, some of which are pretty, it might be a word, explicit?Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Charlie is serious about marrying this woman. You haven’t heard the worst of it yet. No prenup
Hennessy actually laughs when he sees me sitting at the bor with a pint of the old Dutch medicine in front of me. He’s like, “What the hell are you doing here?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more …
Show notes
Hennessy actually laughs when he sees me sitting at the bor with a pint of the old Dutch medicine in front of me. He’s like, “What the hell are you doing here?”Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Oh my God! Your dad’s new girlfriend has entered the Wicklow Pollock Queen competition!’
Everybody knows about the Dalkey Lobster Festival. It’s coming up in, like, two weeks’ time, and Sorcha is already practising her walk and wave for the Parade of Lobster Queens Past, wearing the sash and crown …
Show notes
Everybody knows about the Dalkey Lobster Festival. It’s coming up in, like, two weeks’ time, and Sorcha is already practising her walk and wave for the Parade of Lobster Queens Past, wearing the sash and crown that she’s held onto ever since her victory in 2008, at the stort of the crash, on a platform of, I want to say, hope?Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘My son has opened a museum celebrating criminality. I wish people would stop asking if I’m proud’
All of Ronan’s old mates are there. We’re talking Buckets of Blood. We’re talking Stacks of Money. We’re talking Nudger. We’re talking Gull. It’s actually Stacks of Money who sidles up to me as I’m watching …
Show notes
All of Ronan’s old mates are there. We’re talking Buckets of Blood. We’re talking Stacks of Money. We’re talking Nudger. We’re talking Gull. It’s actually Stacks of Money who sidles up to me as I’m watching Ronan across the room, chatting to Paul Reynolds from RTÉ.Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
The old man has a Tesco Clubcord. Jesus, it’s worse than I thought
The old man looks wretched. I say it to him as well. I’m like, “You look focking wretched – worse than usual" Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Wait a minute, are you telling me there’s a World Cup in soccer?’
“The fock is going on here?” I go. Because – yeah, no – I’ve arrived home to find my wife, my four sons and my in-laws sitting in front of the TV watching, quite literally, a soccer match? My reaction is …
Show notes
“The fock is going on here?” I go. Because – yeah, no – I’ve arrived home to find my wife, my four sons and my in-laws sitting in front of the TV watching, quite literally, a soccer match? My reaction is basically the same as it would be if I arrived home to find Sorcha in bed with Russell Crowe.Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Your accent is up and down like a focked umbrella,’ I tell the old man
So me and Ronan swing out to – believe it or not – Bray, just to see how my old man is getting on. I’ve a bet with him that he won’t last the summer living out there and I like to check on my investment from …
Show notes
So me and Ronan swing out to – believe it or not – Bray, just to see how my old man is getting on. I’ve a bet with him that he won’t last the summer living out there and I like to check on my investment from time to time.Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘I’m not giving that kid the money. Not a focking chance’
I absolutely despise Christian’s wife, Lauren. I say it as well. Not to her face obviously. Sorcha goes, “Ross, you shouldn’t despise anyone.” This coming from the girl who refuses to watch anything with Jake …
Show notes
I absolutely despise Christian’s wife, Lauren. I say it as well. Not to her face obviously. Sorcha goes, “Ross, you shouldn’t despise anyone.” This coming from the girl who refuses to watch anything with Jake Gyllenhaal in it because he broke Taylor Swift’s hort a life sentence ago.Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
We filled a skip with all the things Sorcha decided she can live without, until she changed her mind
So the latest “thing” in our house is the Swedish death clean. For those of you who aren’t married to Sorcha Lalor, this is a decluttering method that’s meant to spare your loved ones the trouble of sorting …
Show notes
So the latest “thing” in our house is the Swedish death clean. For those of you who aren’t married to Sorcha Lalor, this is a decluttering method that’s meant to spare your loved ones the trouble of sorting through your shit after you’ve dropped the mic.Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Nobody can say I haven’t put my body on the line for this Leinster team’
The old man says he thinks he might not live long enough to see Leinster win the European Cup again. I tell him I’m only 46 years old and I’m storting to feel the same way. Hosted on Acast. See …
Show notes
The old man says he thinks he might not live long enough to see Leinster win the European Cup again. I tell him I’m only 46 years old and I’m storting to feel the same way.Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Ross, it’s a very simple choice. It’s me or it’s Leinster. You decide’
Sorcha says she’s – oh my God – so excited about Saturday and I tell her I am too. She goes, “These are the moments, aren’t they?” Which is random because she’s hasn’t shown the slightest flicker of interest in …
Show notes
Sorcha says she’s – oh my God – so excited about Saturday and I tell her I am too. She goes, “These are the moments, aren’t they?” Which is random because she’s hasn’t shown the slightest flicker of interest in rugby since she thought Rob Kearney gave her a smile and a wave at Taste of Dublin the year before the pandemic and I didn’t have the hort to tell her that he was smiling and waving at me.Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Ross, I think you’re finally getting your comeuppance from the universe’
So what do you think? Yeah, no, Nicola – as in, like, Honor’s girlfriend – is showing me a watch that she bought from, like, Tiffany of all places? It must be, like, a grand’s worth. Hosted on Acast. See …
Show notes
So what do you think? Yeah, no, Nicola – as in, like, Honor’s girlfriend – is showing me a watch that she bought from, like, Tiffany of all places? It must be, like, a grand’s worth.Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Dude, you’re not in Ballsbridge now,’ I tell the old man. ‘This is Las f**king Braygas!’
The old man asks me if I’ve been boning up on my Spanish ahead of the trip to Bilbao. I’m like, “Is that where Bilbao is? In Spain?” I honestly think I learned more from rugby than I ever did at school. Hosted …
Show notes
The old man asks me if I’ve been boning up on my Spanish ahead of the trip to Bilbao. I’m like, “Is that where Bilbao is? In Spain?” I honestly think I learned more from rugby than I ever did at school.Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
I have zero interest in her in that way – is it weird that I want to spend time with this girl?
So I’m in the gym and I’m bench-pressing, I don’t know, something ridiculous, when all of a sudden there’s someone standing over me and – yeah, no – they’re, like, talking to me? I take out the old AirPods and …
Show notes
So I’m in the gym and I’m bench-pressing, I don’t know, something ridiculous, when all of a sudden there’s someone standing over me and – yeah, no – they’re, like, talking to me? I take out the old AirPods and sit up and it ends up being Nicola, as in, like, Honor’s new – in fairness – girlfriend.Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘There’s nothing wrong with Bray, Ross,’ the old man says. Literally. Word for word
The old man is sitting in the corner of what was once Shanahan’s on the Green, sucking on a Cohiba the size of a Daihatsu exhaust. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Sorcha, I don’t need ChatGPT to tell me how to talk to my daughter and the girl she’s seeing’
Sorcha asks me how I’m feeling and I tell her I’m in scintillating form – especially after the win over Sale yesterday. I’m half-thinking of doing my joke about having a semi to look forward to – but then I …
Show notes
Sorcha asks me how I’m feeling and I tell her I’m in scintillating form – especially after the win over Sale yesterday. I’m half-thinking of doing my joke about having a semi to look forward to – but then I think better of it.Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Potatoes au gratin? My old dear used to say they’re for people with money but no class’
“Come in,” she goes.This is Bernie I’m quoting – word for word, by the way – as in, like, Bernie the mother of Claire from, like, Bray of all places? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
We’re driving through Donnybrook and Sorcha shouts ‘Stop!’
“Stop!” Sorcha goes. Yeah, no, we’re driving through Donnybrook at the time. I generally slow down anyway as we’re passing the spot where Kielys once stood, just to make the sign of the cross on myself. Except …
Show notes
“Stop!” Sorcha goes. Yeah, no, we’re driving through Donnybrook at the time. I generally slow down anyway as we’re passing the spot where Kielys once stood, just to make the sign of the cross on myself. Except Sorcha is looking past me at the other side of the road?Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Ross,’ Sorcha goes, ‘we’re not going to Dubai. We cancelled because of the war.’ I’m there, ‘What war?’ and I genuinely mean it
The airport is absolutely rammers and I’m in – it has to be said – scintillating form, so much so that Sorcha actually remorks on it. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
These are the latest 40 of 612 episodes. You’ll find older episodes in the podcast’s feed.
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