On Attachment
- Episodes
- 289
- Released
- weekly
- Latest episode
- Nov 10, 2026
About the podcast
Join relationship coach Stephanie Rigg in On Attachment, where she delves deep into all things attachment theory, love, relationships & intimacy - sharing her wisdom and experience to help you start making real changes in your life & relationships.
Episodes 289
#289: How to Get Out of a Relationship Rut
If you've spent any amount of time in long-term relationships, you've likely experienced a relationship rut: a season where things feel a bit harder, less connected, and more conflict-ridden. And while it's …
Show notes
If you've spent any amount of time in long-term relationships, you've likely experienced a relationship rut: a season where things feel a bit harder, less connected, and more conflict-ridden. And while it's perfectly normal for relationships to ebb and flow along with life, sometimes we can find ourselves stuck in this place for longer than we'd like.
In this episode, I'm sharing 5 tips for what you can do if you find yourself in a relationship rut. The focus is on things that are within your control — not because the relationship work is less important, but because I find it helps with creating fresh energy and momentum to feel like you can immediately take action to shift how you're feeling no matter what your partner is doing or not doing.
Links
#288: The Difference Between Healthy Needs and Anxious Demands
Preorder my book, The Secure Self How do you know if your needs are reasonable and healthy, or if they're rooted in the anxious attachment patterns you're wanting to shift? This question, which is a really …
Show notes
Preorder my book, The Secure Self
How do you know if your needs are reasonable and healthy, or if they're rooted in the anxious attachment patterns you're wanting to shift? This question, which is a really common struggle, is what we're unpacking in today's episode.
I share some thoughts on why the answer is actually less clear-cut than the question implies, why our anxious patterns make needs feel so fraught and risky, and what it really takes to know what we need and stand firmly for our wellbeing in our relationships and beyond.
Links
#287: 5 Hard Truths for Avoidant Attachers
Preorder my book, The Secure Self If you have avoidant attachment patterns (or are partnered with someone who does), today's episode offers five truths about your patterns, blind spots, and protective …
Show notes
Preorder my book, The Secure Self
If you have avoidant attachment patterns (or are partnered with someone who does), today's episode offers five truths about your patterns, blind spots, and protective mechanisms that, while perhaps hard to hear, are essential learning if you ultimately want to shift towards healthier relationships.
I talk about:
- How the myth of the perfect partner keeps you stuck in your avoidance
- Why your judgment of your partner's "neediness" is both unhelpful and revealing of your own suppressed emotions
- How your emotions affect the relationship just as much as your partner's, albeit in different ways
- The difference between being solely responsible for a partner's feelings and the reality of healthy interdependence
- The importance of stretching beyond what is comfortable and natural if you want to grow
Links
#286: How to Deal With Lingering Thoughts About an Ex (Ask Steph)
Preorder my book, The Secure SelfHow do you stop your mind from thinking of your ex, even when the relationship is long over? In today's episode, I'm giving advice to a listener who is struggling with ongoing …
Show notes
Preorder my book, The Secure Self
How do you stop your mind from thinking of your ex, even when the relationship is long over? In today's episode, I'm giving advice to a listener who is struggling with ongoing thoughts of their ex, a year on from the break-up.
We'll talk about why it's normal for your brain to drift towards those thoughts, why it's so important that we don't make meaning out of it, and why focusing on what you can control (ie, your actions) is far more useful than trying to fight against your thoughts.
Links
#285: How to Respond to Inconsistency and Mixed Messages
Pre-order my book, The Secure Self Being on the receiving end of someone's inconsistent behaviour and mixed messages is a familiar experience for many people with anxious attachment patterns. And yet, the ways …
Show notes
Pre-order my book, The Secure Self
Being on the receiving end of someone's inconsistent behaviour and mixed messages is a familiar experience for many people with anxious attachment patterns. And yet, the ways we habitually respond — by trying to solve the puzzle, gather information, and do whatever we can to not make things worse — often serve to entrench us in unhealthy and imbalanced relationships. In this episode, I talk about why inconsistency feels so familiar, how we typically respond, and what it looks like to instead respond with self-respect and security.
Links
#284: How to Navigate Self-Doubt and Regret After Walking Away (Ask Steph)
Pre-order my book, The Secure Self on AmazonIn today's episode, I'm giving advice to a listener who recently stepped away from a long-term, long-distance relationship, over concerns that she and her partner …
Show notes
Pre-order my book, The Secure Self on Amazon
In today's episode, I'm giving advice to a listener who recently stepped away from a long-term, long-distance relationship, over concerns that she and her partner were wanting different things. Despite having been the one to end things, she is grappling with the loss and having second thoughts about whether stepping away was the right choice.
I touch on a lot in my advice to her, including what's "normal" after a breakup, the courage it takes to walk away when nothing big happened, why the fear of regret can cloud our judgment, and under what circumstances a reconciliation is a good idea.
Links
- Preorder my book, The Secure Self
- Leave a voice message for a future Ask Steph episode
- Explore my free resources
#283: From Self-Abandonment to Self-Worth (Plus TWO Exciting Announcements!)
Pre-order my book, The Secure SelfIn today's episode, we're talking about self-abandonment and what it really takes to shift away from these well-worn patterns into a more secure version of ourselves that is …
Show notes
Pre-order my book, The Secure Self
In today's episode, we're talking about self-abandonment and what it really takes to shift away from these well-worn patterns into a more secure version of ourselves that is grounded in self-worth.
We discuss why self-abandonment feels so natural to many of us with anxious attachment patterns, the importance of self-compassion, building nervous system capacity, advocating for our needs from a steady place, and building self-trust.
My book, The Secure Self, is now available for pre-order! Head to stephanierigg.com/book to claim your exclusive bonus package for free as a pre-order gift with purchase.
#282: How to Forgive Yourself for Pushing Someone Away (Ask Steph)
In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm giving advice to a listener who is feeling a lot of shame and self-blame for their role in the breakdown of a relationship, which they've come to recognise after working on …
Show notes
In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm giving advice to a listener who is feeling a lot of shame and self-blame for their role in the breakdown of a relationship, which they've come to recognise after working on themselves post-break-up. I share some thoughts on why shame and blame can be so tempting, but also how it blocks us from truly learning the lessons of our break-up and changing our patterns going forward. I also offer some honest advice on whether it's a good idea to reach out to your ex to share what you've learned about yourself since the break-up.
#281: When You Want to Work on the Relationship But Your Partner Doesn't
So many people will know the frustration of wanting to work on your relationship and being met with resistance, shutdown, or disengagement from a partner. When your sincere attempts at getting through and …
Show notes
So many people will know the frustration of wanting to work on your relationship and being met with resistance, shutdown, or disengagement from a partner. When your sincere attempts at getting through and finding a path forward aren't landing, it's easy to feel hopeless—and confused as to what it means for your future.
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on this predicament, as well as tips for breaking through the impasse and how you can find your way back to centre irrespective of whether your partner comes to the table.
Links
#280: Why You Feel Jealous About Your Partner's Past (& How to Navigate It)
In today's episode, we're talking about retroactive jealousy — being an excessive preoccupation with a partner's romantic and/or sexual history, and feelings of intense insecurity and comparison as a result …
Show notes
In today's episode, we're talking about retroactive jealousy — being an excessive preoccupation with a partner's romantic and/or sexual history, and feelings of intense insecurity and comparison as a result. This is a really common experience (one I used to struggle with myself!), particularly among those with anxious attachment patterns who already experience a hypervigilance to perceived relational threats coupled with low self-esteem and a fear of abandonment.
We'll talk about how retroactive jealousy is often a branch off the "unworthiness" tree, and why starting there — with tending to our low self-worth — is often the fix.
Links
#279: When an Old Love Resurfaces and Starts Pulling Away (Ask Steph)
This week's Ask Steph question comes from a 77 year old listener who recently reconnected with a man she loved 45 years ago, following the passing of her husband of 40 years. He was the one who got away, and …
Show notes
This week's Ask Steph question comes from a 77 year old listener who recently reconnected with a man she loved 45 years ago, following the passing of her husband of 40 years. He was the one who got away, and their reunion felt like everything she'd hoped for... until he suddenly started pulling back without explanation.
In offering my advice, I share some thoughts on why a first relationship after a long marriage can feel so consuming, why avoidant patterns often show up most acutely when someone is going through something difficult, and why the instinct to chase and accommodate someone who's withdrawing usually costs us more than it helps.
We talk about the difference between having compassion for someone's fear and abandoning your own needs to manage it, and why getting clear on what you actually want (before you have the conversation with them) matters so much.
If you've ever found yourself dropping your own needs to keep someone from leaving, this one's for you.
Have a question you'd like to submit for a future Ask Steph episode? Click here to leave a voice note.
Links
#278: How to Navigate Being Triggered by a Partner's Moodiness
In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm answering the listener question of "How do I navigate being triggered by my partner's moodiness and irritability?" This is such a common pain point for folks with anxious …
Show notes
In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm answering the listener question of "How do I navigate being triggered by my partner's moodiness and irritability?" This is such a common pain point for folks with anxious attachment patterns. I share some context as to why moodiness is so activating for the anxious nervous system, as well as my advice on how to best respond in the moment when your partner is being moody.
Links
- Free training for healing anxious attachment: http://stephanierigg.com/haa-webinar-opt-in
- Take my attachment quiz
- Subscribe to my YouTube channel
- Follow me on Instagram
#277: What to Look For in a Long-Term Partner
Choosing who you're going to commit to is a life-altering decision — so it's little wonder so many of us feel the weight of that pressure, and experience doubt around whether we're making the "right" decision …
Show notes
Choosing who you're going to commit to is a life-altering decision — so it's little wonder so many of us feel the weight of that pressure, and experience doubt around whether we're making the "right" decision.
And while no one but you can ultimately make that call, in today's episode I'm sharing some guidance on the qualities and attributes that I find essential to making long-term relationships work.
Links
#276: Attachment & Conflict (Part 4): Repairing After Relationship Rupture
Learning to repair after conflict or ruptures is one of the most valuable relationship skills you'll ever have. But for many of us, meaningful repair isn't something we ever really learned or had modelled. In …
Show notes
Learning to repair after conflict or ruptures is one of the most valuable relationship skills you'll ever have. But for many of us, meaningful repair isn't something we ever really learned or had modelled. In this episode, we talk about three key components of repair, and how they can help us to transform conflict into deeper understanding, connection, and intimacy.
Links
#275: Why You Can't Get Over Your Ex
In today's episode, we're talking about why you struggle to "get over" your ex. This is something so many people struggle with when it comes to break-ups — feeling like the person who left us still occupies so …
Show notes
In today's episode, we're talking about why you struggle to "get over" your ex. This is something so many people struggle with when it comes to break-ups — feeling like the person who left us still occupies so much of our mental and emotional energy, and not knowing how to untether ourselves from them (or perhaps not fully wanting to).
I'll share some thoughts on managing expectations around a break-up, the difference between thoughts and actions, and how you can move through a challenging period with self-respect and dignity.
Links
#274: Attachment & Conflict (Part 3): How to Experience Healthier Conflict
Join the Secure Self Challenge hereToday's episode is part 3 of my Attachment & Conflict series, and we're talking all about how to transform the way you do conflict. I'll be sharing general tips and mindset …
Show notes
Join the Secure Self Challenge here
Today's episode is part 3 of my Attachment & Conflict series, and we're talking all about how to transform the way you do conflict. I'll be sharing general tips and mindset shifts for how to approach conflict, as well as specific guidance for both anxious and avoidant partners on what to do (and not to do) to avoid getting pulled into those all-too-familiar negative cycles.
#273: Attachment & Conflict (Part 2): Avoidant Attachment
Register for the Secure Self Challenge hereIn today's episode, we're talking once again about how attachment patterns shape our experience of conflict in relationships, with a particular focus on avoidant …
Show notes
Register for the Secure Self Challenge here
In today's episode, we're talking once again about how attachment patterns shape our experience of conflict in relationships, with a particular focus on avoidant attachment. We talk about why avoidant folks instinctively pull back from conflict, as well as often-used conflict strategies including appeasement, defensiveness, dismissal, and disengagement.
#272: How to Talk to Your Partner About Their Avoidant Attachment (Ask Steph)
Access the replay for the Anxious Attachment Protest Behaviour workshopIn today's Ask Steph episode, I'm answering the question of: "How do I talk to my partner about their avoidant attachment without them …
Show notes
Access the replay for the Anxious Attachment Protest Behaviour workshop
In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm answering the question of: "How do I talk to my partner about their avoidant attachment without them feeling labelled?" I share some thoughts on how best to approach this, and what isn't likely to land well.
#271: Fearful Avoidant Attachment: Guidance for Partners (Part 4)
Last chance to register for the free Anxious Attachment Protest Behaviour workshopToday's episode is the fourth and final instalment of my deep dive series into fearful avoidant attachment, and this episode is …
Show notes
Last chance to register for the free Anxious Attachment Protest Behaviour workshop
Today's episode is the fourth and final instalment of my deep dive series into fearful avoidant attachment, and this episode is one for the partners (with a focus on anxiously attached partners).
I share guidance around how to be mindful of your own tendency to overfunction, and how this can lead you into codependent dynamics. I also offer some thoughts on how best to lovingly support your fearful avoidant partner, while also honouring yourself and ensuring there is accountability around any difficult behaviours in the relationship.
Links
- Visit my website: stephanierigg.com
- Free resources for anxious attachment: stephanierigg.com/free-resources
#270: How to Remain Hopeful After Heartbreak & Bad Dating Experiences (Ask Steph)
When you've had a string of heartbreaks, disappointments, and bad dating experiences, remaining hopeful can be a big ask of your system. In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on why forcing …
Show notes
When you've had a string of heartbreaks, disappointments, and bad dating experiences, remaining hopeful can be a big ask of your system. In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on why forcing yourself to feel hopeful might not be the thing you need, and why it might be best to give yourself the time to grieve, reflect, and grow before forcing yourself back into the dating arena.
Register for my Anxious Attachment Protest Behaviour Workshop
#269: Stay or Go: How to Know When It's Time to Walk Away
Subscribe to my SubstackFor many of us who struggle with letting go (and tend towards relationship-fixing at all costs), walking away can feel like a measure of absolute last resort — like almost nothing would …
Show notes
For many of us who struggle with letting go (and tend towards relationship-fixing at all costs), walking away can feel like a measure of absolute last resort — like almost nothing would justify the immense and all-consuming pain of having to let go of someone you love. And when you layer in self-doubt and a deep fear of regret, it can feel next to impossible.
Sadly, it’s not a decision anyone but you can make. But there are absolutely ways to make the decision a clearer one — one that you trust in the rightness of, and can confidently stand behind — even if it doesn’t make it any easier.
Register for the free workshop on Anxious Attachment Protest Behaviours: https://stephanierigg.com/protest-workshop-opt-in
#268: When You're Not Attracted to Healthy Partners (Ask Steph)
Register for my upcoming live workshop hereIn today's Ask Steph episode, I'm answering the question of "How long to keep pursuing a connection with someone who's great and ticks all my boxes — except that I'm …
Show notes
Register for my upcoming live workshop here
In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm answering the question of "How long to keep pursuing a connection with someone who's great and ticks all my boxes — except that I'm not physically attracted to them?"
I share some thoughts on why this can happen — particularly if your attraction template has historically gravitated towards inconsistent and unpredictable connections — and how long you should wait and see before calling it.
#267: Attachment & Conflict (Part 1): Anxious Attachment
Register for my upcoming free workshop on Anxious Attachment Protest BehavioursIn this new series on attachment and conflict, we're exploring the deeper layers that make relational conflict so challenging, and …
Show notes
Register for my upcoming free workshop on Anxious Attachment Protest Behaviours
In this new series on attachment and conflict, we're exploring the deeper layers that make relational conflict so challenging, and how we can shift those patterns. This first instalment is all about the anxious attachment experience of conflict: how we can swing between conflict-avoidance and conflict-pursuit, and how our efforts at safeguarding the connection can backfire.
Be sure to subscribe so you don't miss the rest of the series!
Links
- Free resources for anxious attachment: stephanierigg.com/free-resources
- Subscribe to my Substack: https://stephanierigg.substack.com/
- Subscribe to my Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCmxC4jls4uolRKhFWV_RIoA/
#266: How to Move from Understanding Your Patterns to Actually Changing Them (Ask Steph)
If you've been "doing the work" for a while now, it's likely you have a firm grip on why you are the way you are. But many of us find ourselves stuck at the "knowledge and awareness" stage, struggling to put …
Show notes
If you've been "doing the work" for a while now, it's likely you have a firm grip on why you are the way you are. But many of us find ourselves stuck at the "knowledge and awareness" stage, struggling to put our insights into practice in a way that translates into lasting change.
In this episode, I'm sharing thoughts on how to bridge that gap so that you don't find yourself on a never-ending hamster wheel of information-gathering that keeps you from experiencing relationships differently.
Links
- Free training on healing anxious attachment: http://stephanierigg.com/haa-webinar-opt-in
- Free resources: http://stephanierigg.com/free-resources
- Attachment quiz: http://stephanierigg.com/quiz
- Substack: https://stephanierigg.substack.com/
#265: Fearful Avoidant Attachment: How to Heal (Part 3)
This week's episode is the much-requested Part 3 of my deep dive on fearful avoidant attachment — and today, we're talking about what it takes to heal. We cover shame, self-compassion, accountability …
Show notes
This week's episode is the much-requested Part 3 of my deep dive on fearful avoidant attachment — and today, we're talking about what it takes to heal. We cover shame, self-compassion, accountability, self-sabotage, nervous system regulation, and more.
And while far from being exhaustive, my hope is that today's episode will offer a roadmap to support you on your path to healing if you struggle with fearful avoidant patterns.
Register for my free workshop on Understanding Anxious Attachment Protest Behaviours: http://stephanierigg.com/protest-workshop-opt-in
#264: The One Thing You Should Never Do in Relationships (from Substack)
Subscribe to my Substack, Notes to SelfI've recently launched on Substack, and today's episode is a read-out of a recent article I wrote there titled The One Thing You Should Never Do in Relationships. If you …
Show notes
Subscribe to my Substack, Notes to Self
I've recently launched on Substack, and today's episode is a read-out of a recent article I wrote there titled The One Thing You Should Never Do in Relationships.
If you enjoy this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could head on over to Substack and subscribe to my page there for more long-form articles about attachment, love and relationships: https://stephanierigg.substack.com/
#263: How to Stop Obsessing About Someone
"How do I stop obsessively ruminating about the person who rejected me?" is one of the most frequently asked questions I receive — and in today's episode, we're talking all about why it's so easy to fall into …
Show notes
"How do I stop obsessively ruminating about the person who rejected me?" is one of the most frequently asked questions I receive — and in today's episode, we're talking all about why it's so easy to fall into the trap of fixating on someone who didn't choose you.
Whether it's the situationship that never became anything more, the person who ghosted you or left you without warning, or something in between, the experience of obsessing over someone is familiar to many of us. But as we'll talk about, it's often less about them, and more about what we make it mean about ourselves.
Links
Subscribe to my Substack: https://stephanierigg.substack.com/
Free break-up training: http://stephanierigg.com/hl-webinar-opt-in
Free training for anxious attachment: http://stephanierigg.com/haa-webinar-opt-in
#262: How to Navigate Feeling Behind in Life (Ask Steph)
In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm answering a listener's question about feeling like she's fallen behind in life after going through a break-up in her mid-30s, particularly as most of her friends are partnered …
Show notes
In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm answering a listener's question about feeling like she's fallen behind in life after going through a break-up in her mid-30s, particularly as most of her friends are partnered and having kids. I talk about the very real experience of the "biological clock" factor, and how to acknowledge the disappointments and unexpected turns while also embracing the season you're in.
Links
Subscribe to my Substack: https://stephanierigg.substack.com/
Free resources for anxious attachment: stephanierigg.com/free-resources
Follow me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/stephanie__rigg
Subscribe on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCmxC4jls4uolRKhFWV_RIoA/
#261: Sex, Intimacy, and Attachment Styles
Subscribe to my YouTube ChannelHow do our attachment patterns influence our relationship to — and experience of — sex and intimacy? That's what we're exploring in today's podcast deep dive. We'll cover how each …
Show notes
Subscribe to my YouTube Channel
How do our attachment patterns influence our relationship to — and experience of — sex and intimacy? That's what we're exploring in today's podcast deep dive.
We'll cover how each attachment style relates to sex, common sensitivities and pain points, and what the sexual relationship looks like over the life cycle of the relationship. We'll also touch on common sexual struggles in anxious-avoidant dynamics specifically.
Links
#260: Can You Become Anxiously Attached from Dating an Avoidant Person? (Ask Steph)
Subscribe to my YouTube channelIs it possible to become anxiously attached as a result of dating someone with avoidant patterns? That's the listener question I'm answering in today's Ask Steph episode. We'll …
Show notes
Subscribe to my YouTube channel
Is it possible to become anxiously attached as a result of dating someone with avoidant patterns? That's the listener question I'm answering in today's Ask Steph episode. We'll talk about how our patterns can arise in response to someone else's, while also acknowledging fundamental differences in how people with secure vs. insecure attachment styles tend to respond to dysfunctional behaviour.
Links
These are the latest 40 of 289 episodes. You’ll find older episodes in the podcast’s feed.
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